The Friendship Nemesis

This post is sudden, I wrote one just yesterday, but I just want to clear this out of my head and get space to think about it some more.

Yesterday I added my best friend ever in Skype. It was a long time without talking to him (I met him once when I went back to Portugal). He is now working in Norway. Talking to him made me feel myself again. Made look back to what I was originally. My essence. My tastes. Myself. Before Japan, before my BA, before high school - when we separated).

But first, let me give you a few easy definitions.

Friendship

1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.

2.a friendly relation or intimacy.

3.friendly feeling or disposition. 

Friend 

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.  a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

All my hobbies during childhood and adolescence, included this particular friend.

I have many people I call friends, but this one is perhaps the most deep friendship I have.

We share values, we share language, we share hobbies and tastes, we share simplicity and views of life, we share our hometown, we share the fact that we are now living abroad. Ultimately, we share culture. A culture developed over the years we have know each other. 

If there's a person I can trust, a person I have no problems whatsoever talking and asking for whatever, it's this friend.

For instance, starting from zero, either me in Japan or him in Norway, is not easy. 

We shared our opinions about it. And I was shocked to understand that he too, felt damaged in some way because there's actually people with bad intentions. I still get shocked when I talk to chinese people and they all say that the world is dangerous, that even your "friends" can betray without the blink of an eye. That to me is absolutely monstruous. 

Unfortunately I think I can say that I know the taste of it. This hurts. A lot. Someone to whom you open up, being bitchy, lying just to make you feel bad. That is so immature. So childish. Grow up already! Only kids up until high school do that.

Another reason for not being easy is the fact that, people are more closed. Coming from a country where we freely and fervently express our emotions, being in a country where people don't do it often (or at least I haven't reached that level of closeness with anyone) automatically blocks your own body from doing it. "Mirroring" gets impossible. It becomes impossible to actually enjoy human relationships, it just gets boring. 

Anyway, I just want to say that, for the first time in a long time, I felt so thankful for having this friend. I felt so happy for him, knowing that is finally living a decent life, money wise, unlike when he was in Portugal.

Having this good of a friend makes me feel stronger and happier. It makes me eager study and work to get where he is. I want my independence too. It also makes me feel proud for having grown up with the values we share.

I sometimes even think, how's my life going to be without this kind of people around me here in Japan?
Or am I overthinking and not seing other possibilities? I have been trying to become comfortable with the uncomfortable, and have made some progress, but I can't help but feel bored. Is it because I know no people with the same tastes and drive? Someone to whom I can talk passionately about something I like? Is it me that is not trying enough?

Capt. Charisma

With all the reading I've been doing, I guess I could say that my ultimate goal is to completely control myself. I intend on continue doing this (don't know if I could call it...) intensive reading, until at least I start working (after I get a real job I will continue, of course, but probably not this "intensive").  Having no internet on my mobile phone has helped me immensely with reading. Though I only used my phone to read the news (business insider, the economist, and the likes).

Well, anyway, I started reading a book on charisma, "The Charisma Myth", and have realized a few things about...life. Perception. Human beings. Mind. Brain.Human relationships. Words. The power of words in our perception and feelings.

Sometimes people get surprised at for example, my resistance (whether at sports, study, whatever), and I never really understood why people reacted that way. I didn't see it as a big deal. And I refused compliments. After all I did nothing extraordinary.

Thing is, the way oneself reacts will affect how one feels. And I honestly don't remember what it feels like winning. Or the feeling of accomplishment after some hard task got completed. Perhaps its just me, that still really haven't done anything surprising, or it might be the way I react to things (thanking, but not actually believing in the compliment) that has been blocking those feelings from me.

I have probably written before that I wanted that feeling or that I like that feeling. But actually, it was just for the story. And I say this because lately I have been having more positive feelings. I have been reading different things online (mostly thanks to StumbleUpon, that get's me always awesome articles that make my brain feel more fulfilled and excited) and reading more for my research, and in Japanese!

And I realized that people like Liz Lemon make me feel good. I still dream of being able to work in a work environment like hers...(and I don't even know if that's even possible or not, after all "30 Rock" is a TV show...

Wuwei and Jishin (or "Inactivity" and "Self-belief"）

無為 (chinese notion mention in a book referred below)
自信 (japanese)

For the past few months that I have been noticing considerable differences in myself. Every aspect of life now seems peaceful and in control. This has to do to with the mind shift that has been occurring with me.

To the extent that whatever thing I face (like presentations, or just novelty that used to be scary some months ago), I face them with this weird peacefulness. It's like I believe that I can do it without trouble.

Let me give you an example.

Doing presentations.
In Portugal, when I gave presentations (within a group almost all the time), I used to memorize what I had to say and we practiced together as a group, after school in some empty classroom. 
Coming to Japan, I no longer have that kind of group projects to do.

But anyway. When I prepare (memorize by heart) whatever I have to say, I get very nervous, afraid of forgetting something during the moment, and this pressure, or fear, of the potential mind freeze is much harder than just not stress about it. It's like, don't think about it, go relaxed, and just trust yourself. It will naturally happen.

As curious as it might be, I started reading a book on this (Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity) just this week. I just read an article about it on Brain Pickings and just felt like reading it. I'm still not even half way thought it, but it's been enlightening to some extent.
I have this need to question and understand my mind and improve it as much as possible. Letting behind the garbage it used to be inside of it.

I can now focus, I am back to feeling joy and even pride, or just plain happy, for knowing the Japanese language, and thankful for knowing English and being a Portuguese native speaker. Instead of focusing on the limitations, I started focusing on the possibilities.

Yes, the mind is a very complex and beautiful thing. Or at least it turns beautiful when you gain control over it.

I already started taking some further steps and risks and will start immersing in novelty (as doing different things I wouldn't usually do) here in Japan, slowly, but still.

It's time to let go of who I was and become the new self that has been forming here full time.

In the end, I really don't know what to call this, is this some sort of stage into maturity/adulthood?