Sayonara

Some more hours and I'm off to Portugal.

I think I'm starting to get nervous.

I'm going to rest, but not sleep. My sleeping pattern has been changing lately and I'm afraid I will not be able to get up.

I have a translation to do, so I'll do it while I'm still home to save time and keep myself wide awake.

I just hope I can fall asleep in the airplane. 21hours between Japan and Portugal.
Having to wait 6 hours in Frankfurt, after an 11 hour ride? The longest hours ever. Seriously.

I'll arrive tired anyway, but if I were able to sleep in the airplane maybe the jet lag wouldn't be so disturbing.

Back to using euro again.

omg.

On verbs

I'm going to buy a book.

Vou comprar um livro. (normal)
"Going (to) buy a book".

It is not necessary to use "I" because the subject is implicit in the verb "to go". Verbs in portuguese express the subject in the termination.

Eu vou comprar um livro. (emphasizing "I")
"I (am) going (to) buy a book".

I buy
you buy
he/she/it buys
we buy
they buy

Verb remains pretty much unchanged.

eu compro
tu compras
ele compra
nós compramos
Eles compram

Even if we don't have the subject, we know that the subject is either I/you/it/we/they because of the verb termination.

Willpower is a muscle

Reading about willpower made me realize some things about myself. Willpower is a muscle and can be improved. I realized I have been doing this all my life.

I'm particularly good with sports.
When doing sports, after reaching the self proposed goal, I did this to prove myself I could go beyond the goal:

cycling
- just one more block
- just more 5 minutes
-  now do it again but using another way

Weightlifting
- just more 10 reps
- after the extra reps, more extra reps
- slap in the face and self cursing/motivation

Soccer (PE class)
- no matter how tired, no matter how slow I might have become, always fight back and try to have the ball and reconstruct the game.

Endurance Running (PE Class)
- no matter how tired, no matter how slow I might have become, always fight back, my friends give up very soon and I don't want to be like them, I need to show my teacher I am resistant and can take this.

Endurance (and Velocity) Running

- I like doing both during Summer and actually my trick was, before breaking the endurance running (taking a break), I would make the transition into speed running to completely deplete myself and prove that even though I was tired from the endurance training I could still use my velocity in case of emergency. But be careful not to pass out. The last time I did it, when I stopped I was starting to black out soon after I sat and started resting. Nothing happened.
I sometimes imagine myself running away from criminals trying to assault me lol. The next time I do it I will imagine myself running away from zombies. "Run for your life!"

What I love about endurance sports is that there's always ways of improvement. There's no limits, the only limit is oneself. You either continue practicing, getting better and forging yourself or you give up.

Language learning
- Just one more word.
- Just one more sentence
- just one more grammatical point

The emptiness of vacations

School is over and I'm home full time.Having no daily purpose place to go sucks. Don't get me wrong, it's hard being at school when you have no warm environment. But having to go there makes the day kind of worth, gives me I don't know, a purpose? I feel kind of...empty?

It makes my heart get used to a certain pace and then I just kind of go with the flow.

Now, as I said, school is over and I'm home full time. And I noticed that not having that invisible daily route takes my motivation out.

I so can't wait to come back to Portugal...


Also, I caught a cold and the past 2 weeks have been considerably difficult to deal with because of that. When I get sick I get really sick, and apparently my energy levels go underground. But I'm better now. No more fever. My voice is not fully recovered but almost. And my sore throat is gone.



So anyway, I went to take a walk in a much more crowded place. And seeing so many people and lights, and movement gave me an energy boost. It gave me motivation. Unfortunately there's no one I feel I can have fun around here. Not having classes and being home doing what I like is good, awesome when I'm in the mood, but when I get extremely calm, passive it all starts sucking. I need constant stimulus otherwise I just kind of turn off. I can't even read! Despite being sick I still take at least one walk a day (I need fresh air), and I couldn't read in any.

Going to take a walk to a place much more crowded than the places I usually walk gave a lot of energy. I was feeling kind of down today (and I saw TV show I like in order to try feeling better), but that only changed when I took my walk.
Why? Because I saw all that movement? Was it because I was sick and am better now? Is this my extrovert side? Why did I get motivated when I saw all those random people in the street? I don't even know anyone...

Fortunately the books I've been reading for the past weeks are full of experiments, and thanks to them I started doing experiments with myself too, to test my behavior in determined situations, to see my reactions, I've been attentive to everything lately. How my head works. I've been testing myself with my hobbies. TV, videogames, reading. When playing videogames, each feeling, each strategy, why I need to break, etc. When watching TV I've been paying attention to characters personalities, ways of working, ways of talking, human relationships, I've been predicting by facial expressions and behavior of the suspects who committed the crime, etc etc. This is probably basic to anyone, but only recently I started gaining this ability to pay attention, think and retain information about the characters....

...Goddammit what the fuck was wrong with me all these years? I feel like they were a waste for my inability to feel, recognize and have feelings. I can't help but think that compared to basically around me everyone I'm emotionally cripple and have no experience in the real world. Things I have been seing on TV during all these years are only getting clear now. It's like only now I'm starting to learn. Being able to memorize behaviours, feelings, being able to study and retain the knowledge (except for languages that I was always good at), etc. Like seriously wtf was going on with me?

Well anyway, everything is better now. And it can only get better.
Depending on how I control myself. And I'm getting better at it everyday! :D

PORTUGAL! (...and more boring reflections on the Japan experience)

Classes are over and within a few days I'll be flying back to Portugal for around 2 months!!!! FUCK YEAH I SO FUCKING CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!ONE111!!!!ONE!!!!!1!111!!!

I am positive that it will be the best trip I ever made. This comeback. With a renovated self. It will be like meeting my friends and family for the first time because I was deprived of my own emotions for years.

Almost one year as passed since the last time I was in Portugal. I was already on my way to a more conscious self, but still far from what I am now. 

This is were I usually meet my friends.❤ It used to have a telephone cabin.

I now have the need to go out and have more fun with my friends. Japan is a very lonely place if you have no one that understands you. No one similar to you. No friendly or caring words. No friendly physical gestures. No facial expressions (I am talking from my Portuguese perspective only). I seriously need to get to know some people with shared tastes here in Japan, but it's not that easy lol. I have no idea where to do it.

I will go back to Portugal, I will be like a fish in water again. I will know my self. My true self for real. I mean, having human interactions with people that like me, with people I can trust (in the sense that I can talk about anything, people I can hug, people who will not be offended if I deny to do something and vice versa etc).

I miss my walks! :D

I think I'm tired of being in Japan. I have no friends, I'm always alone. When I go to school I always feel uncomfortable (there's exceptions). When I'm at school the only thing I want is to come back to my home because I can be myself. Then I come back home and have to work. I have my hobbies. And thanks to them I am able to enjoy being here. But then again, I could do exactly the same thing in Portugal. But with friends and family around me. And without having to worry about money so much. 

Having no private car and having to use public transports to go to another city is just too much for me. I still can't get used to it. I honestly really dislike doing it. With a private car I would have no problems : p. OMG I MISS GOING SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES WITH MY DAD AND USING OUR CAR TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET. Here I need to go on foot, walk arounf 15 minutes and around 25 when I come back with the stuff on my back. I get home with back pain.

My levels of comfort here in Japan have decreased greatly.

One thing I must admit though. My fears have become (or are becoming) mere discomforts. And that is great progress! 

I'm learning a lot in Japan. Seriously a lot.  Because of the obvious cultural differences that make me think. Because of my previous study of the Japanese culture and language made in Portugal, that eased the thinking process. Recently I have been analyzing the language. I love chinese characters, I love how much one word in japanese or chinese can tell us about their culture. 

Skatepark ❤

There's nothing in Japan (actually there is, but I just don't know what to do about that) that makes me feel happy. What makes me happy here is reading, watching TV, taking walks, seeing the stray cats interaction with people in the park. Learning with the translations. Nothing else. I feel the most happy when I'm with my friends. When we go out to dinner, to the movies, to play sports, to play videogames, to go to the cafe, to talk, goddammit to talk! 

Since I came here that what I feel the most is anxiety, preoccupation, stress (school, payments), etc etc. Lately I am much, much better, it's almost like I can control those feelings now. Thanks to having been reading a lot lately, on subjects such as the brain, heart, leadership etc that I have becoming able to control myself much better. For the first time in my life actually. And that too is progress! I'm no longer a person who feels helpless. I now fight back with all my strength. This is progress!

There's a person I consider my friend that is constantly "letting me know" that I should behave in a more "Japanese way". That seriously annoys me. The person has never seen me behaving as myself with people like me. The person has never seen my real me. What the person has seen is my self that is already exerting self control as a natural way of adaptation. The person does not know the instinctual effort I'm already doing because he is from a culture similar in many things to the Japanese. I understand the fact that the person knows nothing besides its own culture and the Japanese, but it's a little annoying to be constantly reminded of your "faults" despite the efforts I'm already doing. This kind of episodes leave me, already quite constrained by the discomfort even more uncomfortable.

 Breakfast Love ❤

Hometown's ex libris, Pão de ló de Ovar.

And many of you might think that this is a "normal" life, but having no positive human interaction really sucks. Before coming here I never realized it. I always saw myself as a lone wolf, but in reality I'm nothing like that. I mean, at least compared to the lone wolf I'm here in Japan.

 I am an extremely motivated person when I have people around me. People to share goals and views. Very outgoing with friends. Considerably aggressive towards people who look at me as if they don't like me. Portuguesely nice to random people with whom I need to interact.

BUT ANYWAY! I'm going back soon and will make sure I will have a lot of fun. When I come back I will make sure I bring some fun stuff I have back in Portugal (such as my sony PSP, I MISS IT SO MUCH). I made this post because I need to write a report and I'm still now sure how or what to write and it's making me a little anxious.

Sorry for the post. I was a little sad until the moment I decided to post some pics too and got my energy back ^^

Have a nice day!

The Enlightment Through Abraham Lincoln

I was on the bus and decided to use that time to learn, as I usually. I am reading "Team of Rivals - The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln".

I was on the bus, I had just came from my university, I have no classes today, but went there to submit my application to a scholarship, and I was somewhat nervous, though I must much, much more controlled than some months ago. I am amazed at myself for this.

I entered the bus, sat at the seat behind the driver (right side), as in Portugal. In Portugal my dad drives and I'm by his side, so I always try to pick up the place were I feel more comfortable.

I started reading, and soon after got amazed. I first read the description the history of Abraham's rivals and than his'.

I was fascinated because could relate to Abraham when I read this. I felt intense vibes when I read this and my eyes got all teary. I was feeling nervous but this fascination kicked that anxiety out and inspiration pervaded me.

And with this too.

Unconsciousness is a bitch.

And wow, I would love to have met this "guy". He and I have many things in common.

And at some point I read that Abraham went to Portugal and reading that in the book kind of made me happy. 

And to quote him once more,

”Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing."



PS: Pics were taken at home, I had no battery on the smartphone and could only take pics at home.

Sheryl Sandberg: Why we have too few women leaders

I've seen a few other videos on women leadership, and the interest thing is that the women talking, are saying that the men are more agressive and assertive and this and that.
I guess that because I come from Portugal, a feminine country, I don't really see the differences in agressiveness or assertiveness, at least in my generation, judging from my personality and my friends'.

WORK BITCH

I've been so busy lately (translations, reports, projects of my own) that I felt the need for some Britney Spears ❤. Not that I'm fan of hers now, but I used to be during my early teens (hence using the heart symbol). And this music is kind of awesome to get in the working mood.

Don't get me wrong. I like it. My free time tastes better afterwards.

WORK BITCH!

Different Notions of Truth and... Empathy?

Today I talked to a japanese acquaintance I've know for a few years. The person in question speaks portuguese and knows the portuguese culture.

It was a very interesting conversation because we exchanged our experience and then our views. Now that I have some experience everything becomes more interesting because I can understand what the other person is talking about. Some months back I probably wouldn't.

For the portuguese the "truth" is absolute honesty. Said in a way it won't hurt if it might hurt (unless you want to do it on purpose)

For the japanese the truth is what the other person thinks and you should have the ability to predict it (according to the person, the portuguese don't have it. Although I grew up in a way I had to predict what other people might think, I agree with the person.)

We didn't get to talk about it but next time I would like to know about honesty in relationships. As a portuguese, if a partner lies or cheats (this applies to friends too) I would be hurt and disappointed and would probably stop speaking to the person for a while. We portuguese don't like lies. Lies with bad intention hurt so much. Lies with good intention (for example when one's sick) also hurt because we feel that we could have made something to help, and because the person lied we couldn't.

I would like to know about the "truth" in intimate and real friendship and love relationships  in Japan. Does the "truth" change to something more honest? Do people predict and adapt to the other person? I mean, in Portugal, if one does not feel comfortable with something person A should tell and the person B will be disappointed if A doesn't do it because it's a sign of no trust and person B can't change and adapt better to A not knowing the truth. 

We also talked about smiles. My acquaintance told me that the portuguese smile is, and I quote, "excellent". I agree. It's genuine.

However in Japan, because people are so emotion controlled they don't laugh/smile as much as we do in Portugal. I also told her that I really enjoy the japanese smiles in stores (like banks) but people here are trained to do it she told me, and they become automatic. I already knew it. I sometimes see smiles that are so fake (or so I think) I can't even look at them. Seeing them just makes feel like the person really doesn't like or care about me. And faking they "care" by smiling is again, a lie, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. And in Portugal we smile also when we are sarcastic/ironic and that smile really resembles the extreme cases here in Japan.

And something I've been noticing, is that I can somehow feel other person's hearts even without seeing the person (my housemate, for instance, and I feel I've written this before). Sometimes I feel I can identify the feeling but most of the times I can't. Of course if I look at the face I can identify it, but without seeing the person? What is this? Empathy? My heart just feels something, it just starts like shaking differently temporarily. Oh and when I'm in public transportations I feel suffocated sometimes.
Lately, every day that goes by things get clearer. This is good or not. But whether being too sensitive is good or not I don't know. I feel it is sucky sometimes. For instance, at night when I listen to however minor sounds they might be (in this house at least, I guess it also depends where I am, or I just became very sensitive lately - but I do recall feeling like this many years ago too. I should mention that in Portugal I would often go to sleep while having people watching tv that I could hear so I was used to the noise, but here there's no noise except for doors or sounds from machines. And in Portugal walls and the materials used are different so that might also influence), they resound very strongly in my body. Fortunately this is just at night during the minutes preceding sleep.

That was it for today. I'm kind of tired. I have a sore throat since last night and it sucks because I felt that some of my energy was taken from me. And it rained all day... I want sun. I want to go out and read. I need my vitamin D and morning fresh air. Rainy days don't allow me that : /

The Psychology of Winning - Robert Kiyosaki

Here's someone who understands me.
Thank you Amadagajin for showing me this on twitter.

I ❤ Sax

I lie. I just liked the expression.
And I associate Saxophone with Jazz and Blues, R&B, Soul, etc.
Here's a few cool songs. Jazz legends and pop cultural icons from today.

Here's why I like Aguilera...

She's just monstruous, more than Lady Gaga (pun intended). And talking about that tramp of a lady...

Now the All American...

And some Frank Sinatra...

What a wonderful World...

Could it get any better?
Yes! Now let me show you why...

And then people ask me why I like the USA...
Well I don't know.

The obsession complex

When I was in college and learning japanese, by myself, I once told my teacher about my "methods". Some days later a friend of mine came to me telling my that our teacher had told him that I was "obsessed". I was "obsessed" because I was listening to japanese podcasts. Watching japanese tv series. Anyway, I was "obsessed".

The word "obsessed" has a pejorative connotation. So I remember I was not happy at all with it. I felt hurt for having one of my pseudo role models talking that way about myself to other people.

I decided to make this post because lately I have been reading a lot. Mostly about Branding and the human being (leadership, heart, emotions, psychology).

And I am reading for several reasons.

① I am in a master's degree and need to "catch up" with the Branding/Marketing subject because I have graduated in East Asian Studies and therefore have no Branding/Marketing background (though I did took a class on Marketing focused on China/Japan as it was part of the curriculum - we had to create a product and a marketing mix to sell that product in china, my team was lucky, we got the best product - Porto Wine).

② I am genuinely interested in these subjects and therefore I feel good when I learn about them.

③ It will be useful for my thesis.

④ I'm seriously learning a lot about myself. And developing new mental pathways. And this self-improvement thing is actually addictive.

So, I have been reading for around 3 hours everyday (While I walk. My walks are my reading and listening to music time) and I have been learning so much that I sometimes feel like "holy shit, I think I could be a brand manager for some asian brand trying to expand".

The other day I was reading at night, during a walk in place here in Kyoto (close to where I live) that has a more urban feeling, buildings on both sides, traffic, lights, etc, while I was seeing that I felt to inspired that I started thinking about this obsession thing. I was having one of those "moments", the "flow", the "high", the "inspiration", the "creativity", the "DREAM". See, I come from a small town and was always inspired by the "City". Watching the big picture from above, from high places. I love doing it. It inspires me. So I was picturing myself working in this area, working in some tall building, I started imagining myself with a team, etc.

I want to know about these things as much as possible. I want to be good in what I do. I come from a country where competition is highly educated, if you don't have a bachelors degree at the very least you have no future. So my generation is all educated. I would even say that a masters is the minimum required nowadays.

And then I thought to myself. Is this an obsession? I'm reading about leadership, about branding and marketing and etc, am I obsessed with this? Well I think I am. But not in a "obsession"-with-a-pejorative-meaning way.

I just like doing this. It makes me feel good. I'm learning. Just like when I was studying japanese. I felt good when I was trying to improve my japanese. I had a purpose, I wanted to be fluent. And still haven't stopped. I live in Japan now. I don't have that at home immersion environment anymore because I live here now. Despite what some people might think, judging from some previous posts where I was talking about culture shock experiences. But I also have a mind and self respect. And it's difficult to manage both "respects". And knowing that the japanese have a tendency to agree with you even if they don't mean it also holds me back considerably. I don't want to have to read those fake facial expressions. Those innuendos. IT HURTS. And I don't want to be the reason why a japanese would suppress what he/she has/wants to do. I don't want to bother. I don't want to be a hindrance. I noticed a very similar behavioral pattern with an american girl I met here.

And I just got carried way by the japanese culture off topic. Sorry.

But anyway, I saw this picture on twitter today and decided to think "This is a sign. I thought about this and now this picture comes up. I should write something about it."

This. What I'm doing for the past 3 months is what I have become. Indeed, one has to surround him/herself with the people, things that will make you, change you into what want to be(come).

Purpose. Passion. Hope. Desire.

 Dedication.

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu

...is what the Japanese say in the new year. 

In japanese characters it would be 明けましておめでとうございます！

Or in chinese 新年快乐！

And portuguese "Feliz ano novo!"

So, I'm guessing that by now almost everyone in the world is already in the new year, 2014!

I have a lot of hope for this year... I feel like 2013 was the discovery and 2014 will be the affirmation. So, let's see!

2013 was a year of radical changes. And I guess I kind of matured. Not yet 100% (if that's even possible), but sometimes I literally feel I am. My gestures change, my way of thinking changes, my way of looking at things changes, etc. That's when I'm at my best. It's like I enter in this kind of empathy with the world and everything seems attainable.

But other times I feel more like a kid, insecure, afraid of doing many things, that are kind of basic. This used to happen rather frequently when I first came to this house. It's better, much better now. But still have it sometimes. I had it today.

When I feel insecure I am such a different person. I don't like feeling insecure. I now know how to change the mood. But when you are in the "insecure" mindset it's like the whole world is against you. And you suddenly get weak, incapable, etc.

I like watching a tv show called Two and a Half Men. And I recently started watching season 9. In season 9 the main character Charlie is literally killed (oh Charlie Sheen...beating up your wife...shame on you...) and is replaced by Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher) and while watching this new character I started seeing a terrifying emotional resemblance with myself. So that's why I started asking questions again, because every time I see Walden I start thinking. And this is why I enjoy watching TV so much lately, because I analyze the characters and learn a lot from them. 

So I'm looking forward to seeing the character's emotional development! 

So I was doing some research to look for "solutions" and came up with this link explaining what that is. Up until reading the article I knew I felt it. I knew I could change. But I also was afraid of being crazy for having it. But apparently its normal. So I'm wondering...

What does "growing up" mean? Is it making these mood swings disappear?

So yeah...making these mood swings disappear is probably the ultimate 2014 resolution. 

That and reading at least 1 book/week! =D

Happy new year World!