♥

If you happen not to be able to understand japanese, I'm sorry. This is something I can only write in japanese.

最後に見たのは５ヶ月以上。でも、その日に、何も言わないで離れた。５が月以上たったんだ。私は、今、結構代わった人間である。

それでも、ここではなんにもできない。
一緒にいたい。あゆと呼ばれたい。甘えたい。甘えられたい。暖かい日差し浴びたい。あの母性愛感じたい。

english, business

Hello dear reader. How are you?

First, the pictures I took in 神戸, a young, european style, cosmopolitan city. LOVED IT. This is the kind of place I want to work in.

鬼　（目が・・・・）

It's been 3 months and 5 days since I've arrived in Japan. And the first semester (semester? huh?) is already going to its last weeks. This is getting harder and harder, simply because I'm making some shocking discoveries about myself and the world. But it's like they say, if you continue on your comfort zone, you won't develop, so I'm taking all this with a positive attitude, as far as possible.

So I found out that I can't control my emotions. I don't know what I'm feeling. And indeed I find myself at times feeling something, but don't know what. Sometimes I feel mad without knowing why. Sometimes I feel empowered just by listening to music. I don't understand.

For the past days that I've been having constant ups and downs, loads of reports and no やる気, I'm also being the go-between a portuguese and a japanese enterprise, and kind of got a proposal to do translation, and want to go to China for 2 weeks in february. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of used to dealing with stress, but it's a lot at the same time. What's funny is that, when I'm empowered, whatever the workload might be, I feel like I can do anything and actually get to be a lot more efficient those times.

But actually, I don't have that much workload. In fact, I tend to fear this kind of works (reports) because I always thought that my essays in the portuguese class were really weak, and that fact kind framed my mindset. I think I'm getting better. Even though I have no feedback from the japanese teachers (I wish I had, it's like, should I change the writing style, do I have any 癖 I should correct?...), I think that within some months from now my report writing skills will be far superior in the japanese language than in portuguese.

I should stop writing this late... -..-

ambition

So I just drank my usual cup of milk and my stomach is particularly satisfied by the warm feeling that came after drinking my hot milk. Now I can start. I miss writing here more frequently. really. 

I want to talk to you guys about ambition. Well, I want to, but truth be told, I don't know what to write. I had some ideas some hours ago, but probably because it's almost 11pm, I kinda forgot. Need to get inspiration and write while sitting in a cafe in order to make a good post (seriously!)

I've always considered myself an ambitious person. I've always longed for big things, big goals. Thing is, I'm still in the stage of fulfilling those ideals. I'm still not a working adult, but a studying (or supposed to) kid. Just like the other day, when in the reading class we read a text called "人間藩のために生きるのか"(or something like this), in which it said that the teen years are supposed to be the period in which you find your goal, your purpose. 

I'm actually 21 (ie: not a teen), and I pretty much now what I want to do for a living. Yes, I do know. There's only a problem. I want to do a lot of things. 

As I said in previous times, I want to do interpretation/translation/business, well, anything will be okay as long as I work in an international environment, meaning that I want to at least use a different language than my own. Besides, I love asian people, really, I do, so I want to work with asian people. 

Living in Japan is allowing me to live with different cultures (mostly chinese and japanese)  and unconsciously (and consciously too)  learn a lot of things that I can't even explain due to the nonexistence in my culture. Before coming here, I always read (and even wrote that in the motivation text, that I want to expand my horizons and have a broader vision of the world, but, again, before coming, that had no meaning, I mean, I could obviously read it but I couldn't understand it because was still to live it.

I could also realize some of the good things my home country Portugal has to offer, not only that, I'm also getting to know myself, when I' irritated, tired, pissed off, feeling down, feeling confident, etc etc, simple things that I could not realize up until I came here.

I miss some things too. first off, no secret at all, my teachers back in Portugal. my friends back in Portugal and some who are in China (I'm actually planning to go there soon, not only because I obviously want to go to China and to meet my friends, as I know that all the procedures in order to go will develop my independence even more.)

anyway, I'm really getting tired and sleepy and just want to make a few points clear.

- going to (re)start studying chinese again. I never stopped, but I'm not doing it seriously. From now on I will. Besides, I know a lot of chinese, and want to show them a little respect. And obviously, chinese is my major (on paper) right? Gotta put a name to the face.

- going to translate (if I don't get bored) a book as a side project. It actually feels good to translate if  I'm in a good environment, good music, good latte, etc.

- reports. the semester is coming to an end, and this kind of work is starting to accumulate. It's a pain in the ass sometimes, but gotta do it. As opposed to what I used to think, it's actually not that hard. The trick is to do it first in portuguese and than translate it to japanese as opposed to doing it directly in apanese.

- business japanese. see if I start doing some light, very light training...

- indecision! I actually found a masters here in 龍大 that interests me a lot, but I'm also interested in a master course in translation (portugal). so, this is making me suffer a bit because I want both. Gotta weight in the advantages and disadvantages. There's a lot of them, but I'll let them to my next post.

cya. (goddammit, I really wanted to write something more, but I'm too tired to be able to develop new ideas at this point.)