2013年12月31日

HAPPY LAST DAY OF THE YEAR!

My last day of the year will be special.

So basically...

Snacks (good ham, cured sausage, cookies from my hometown, coffee, etc)
Report (I'll try)
Break Walks + music + reading
Action Movie Marathon!

FUCK YEAH! (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻) 
Tough I would have lots of more fun if I did this with friends...

Japanese Lone Wolf Syndrome 
(amazing how I now have facial expressions)
And these were the last pics from 2013! A year of many, many good changes!

I wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR! With lots of happiness and prosperity! :D  ^ _ ^
Looking forward to 2014!!! Only a few hours left! (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)
 

2013年12月30日

So long 2013! Year review

2013 is the most challenging year I've lived in all my life. I grew so much this year that it's even hard to believe. I've become much more sensitive. Mostly to feelings. And to people. To flavors. To colors. To nature. To life. To me. The year in which I actually started realizing my potential and loving myself for who I am. And gotta say, life is much more brighter now. The year in which I found out I'm not a lost soul without future prospects. I've come to find out what the Portuguese are. What the japanese are. And ultimately who I am.
2013 is the year in which I fucking went to China! And I loved it! And I want to come back!
2013 is the year in which I started studying what I like studying. The year in which I enrolled in a masters degree. Abroad! It is the year in which I found out what I want to do in life. The year in which I found out what I like doing. The year in which I rediscovered old hobbies. The year in which I officially had my first job (wow my first job ever was in Japan, this is something I will never forget, it was actually a lifelong goal).

Now as for 2014 goals...



- finish the reports I have due
- read a lot 
- continue growing and improving
- be fearless
- buy myself new clothes
- watch tv shows I enjoy
- feel good everyday
- try different things
- have lots of fun (either alone and/or with people I like/feel comfortable with)
- continue working so I can go out more
- feed the stray cats
 
As for tomorrow, it will be a perfectly normal day. As any other. 
It's the first time I'll be spending the new year's alone. I had to come to Japan to actually get to know what loneliness feels like. But I also learned how to curve that loneliness and turn it into something fun.

[EDIT]I just came from a night walk and I was reading "DRIVE" and apparently I'm doing the "effort" to make "the flow" flow![/EDIT]
 
Oh well.

I'll make a last post tomorrow. xoxo

2013年12月29日

Extrinsic and intrinsic motivation

Besides the book I wrote about yesterday, today I started reading a book on Love.
Every book I read, I read because I want to know about that subject. I want to understand. I want to understand so that I can do whatever I have to do more appropriately. However, my luck to find useful books outsmarts me. I'm very random. And I usually pick a book on x subject from x list, randomly. And so far I have been having good results, as in, I'm enjoying each and every book.

So, I went to take my usual night walk and as always I took my ebook reader with me and continued reading my book on Love, which by the way is,  "A General Theory of Love" by Thomas Lewis.

So anyway. I was already reading before my walk, and I started reading a part that asks precisely "what are emotions?" and as a researcher on marketing* I intend on actually talking about that in my future thesis. So I felt for the first time that I can actually start writing.

*I love marketing because it makes me study a whole lot of different stuff.

So my night walk had two purposes. To walk, relax, exercise, listen to music, read etc. AND. I wanted to buy myself a treat for the achievement above. Seriously, I was very happy. I needed to celebrate. This feeling of wanting to celebrate is something relatively new to me.
But wait.

As I read about emotions I gradually got excited. That excitement led me to thinking about motivation and I started making links with a lot a stuff. Which led me to this post. And the keywords so that I can remember what I want to write.

Motivation
Intrinsic Motivation
Extrinsic Motivation
Celebration
Sugar
Reward
Addiction

I give myself a treat every Friday night. It's the last day of the school working week and it's The Big Bang Theory night. During other days of the weeks I might also have sugar, but nothing compares to eating the Friday Night Ice cream while watching the Big Bang Theory.

Meaning. I leave the best to the best. If I gave myself treats, sugar treats, every day not only would be bad for my health, physical and mental, as my Friday Night wouldn't feel as awesome as it feels. In the book "Drive", it actually mention something like this.

If the boss, in order to motivate the employee to a certain task, gives him/her some monetary prize, it might actually work. Temporarily. Because in the long run, if the reward remains the same it will no longer feel like a reward. It became an "addiction". Kind of like sugar, or any kind of special dessert. Or any kind of celebration. It we have too much of it, we no longer FEEL it as a good moment, as a kind of reward. And those moments become meaningless.

The Big Bang Theory is a non renewable resource in the long term, but there's no problem because more shows will appear. So a nice TV show is a renewable resource. Unlike monetary rewards, that are certainly non renewable.
It's great to learn people management techniques. I officially feel (not 100% of course) like I could be a boss. I just need to keep reading.

Nowadays, with all my reading and discoveries, that I (try) to do everything an enjoyable moment. I try to take the best out of the moment, I try to be in the best mood possible to do whatever I will do. This is a vicious circle, because when you're not in the mood, you have to get in the mood. And to get in the mood you have to do things that will get you in the mood.

I am intrinsically driven to "studying" because I want to have a good job. And I dream of working in this business. I want to prove to myself I can do it. I want to be better. I want to be good. I want to win, not particularly to anyway, but win in life, in the journey of the soul.

I study because I want a good life.
I study because I want to be smarter.
I study because it makes me smarter and that enables me to make life more enjoyable.
I study because it makes me feel closer to my goal.
I study because the mechanisms I use to make studying fun make it fun, rewarding and meaningful (AKA I like studying what I like studying).

So I'm having enlightening moments much more frequently, because I'm working towards having them. The only thing missing is sharing these moments and having even more blissful moments with someone else. I know it would be much more meaningful, productive, motivating and fun.

Well that's it for today.
Have a nice new year if I happen not to write before the year ends. ^^

2013年12月28日

Kudos



I'm reading a book called "Drive", by Daniel H. Pink. The book is making me realize about a lot of things. The book talks about things I have felt for a long time, but had never read nor think about it. This might sound pretentious or something, but each time I "realize" something and can associate it to myself that I get a little amazed by the finding and gain a little of self respect ("well, Carolina, not bad, not bad"), but at the same time I scold myself for only realizing, or being in the process of realizing all this, only now.



And my friend left Kyoto today at lunch. I met him at the station, we had lunch and he left. I'm back to the outer apathetic life. It was good having a friend again in Japan. It's been a long time. I felt I was a person again. It's amazing how having friends can drastically reduce your social media time.
Not going to lie, I was a bit tired, it was 3 days spent basically walking and inside the bus/train. I had fun with people for the first time in a long time. But better than that I could have more deep conversations. Now I'm back to silence. I can't use Skype for this kind of talk. I like to talk with people physically in front of me, replying and making facial expressions, gestures etc, I simply don't have that here.
I miss having "that" friend, who you see everyday. Talk to everyday. Can count on everyday.
I realized that we Portuguese are very happy and strong by nature, we laugh a lot. I compared our behavior with the behavior I had with other Portuguese friends when I went to China and our behavior there in February this year. And when two other friends came to Japan in July this year. Compared to the Japanese and the Chinese at least, we Portuguese are very energetic.

 Cya!

2013年12月26日

Long time no talk. And the no-mobile-internet-experience

Today was shopping and talking day. My friend wanted to buy souvenirs, and the whole day was pretty much spent seeing little stores. The rest of the time was spent just relaxing, at the cafe, just talking.

I bought this for myself.

Being with my Portuguese friend after so many months (the last time we had met was in February this year, in Portugal) is teaching me a lot about myself, the Japanese culture and the Portuguese culture. It feels good to realize so many things in such a short amount of time. 
I've come to understand that we portuguese act as a very, very united group, but we are allowed our individuality. And individuality (as in personality, do not mistake with individualism) is actually encouraged.

It was the first time in a long time I could actually ask questions to someone. About several things about life and have an honest answer. He is the kind of friend who you can trust, to whom you can speak about anything, without having to fear that he is going to tell other people.

I could finally talk to someone in real life about the changes I've been through. About the things I realized about myself since I came to Japan. I could finally open to someone, other than this blog. You know, I have found out things about myself I can't really talk in public, to people I don't trust.
And besides, he also has is own love problems and he also wanted someone to talk about it.

We went to Starbucks. Social caffeine (?) to remind us of our Portuguese habits.

Besides that, we talked about things like the school (mostly our course in Portugal and our study here in Japan), trust, betrayal, friendship and that kind of stuff. I miss talking about this. And omg being able to say jokes/puns in portuguese and having someone understanding them was also great. We talked about these subjects because his friends have different behaviors than our own. Some of his classmates from what I could see are very, very selfish and childish.

Since he is staying at a guest house near that area, after the cafe I came back alone. And I kind of felt my heart, I don't know, empty, but strong. It was the first time I felt this. A kind of peace. Or harmony. Or whatever. I don't know. It was weird. I was now feeling stronger, now that I was alone again. It was like I didn't have that energy "weight" anymore. It's kind of weird and even I don't understand.
But when I first met him again in a long time, two days ago I felt stronger, probably because I was so looking forward to meeting my friend again. But, you see? The complete opposite happened.

He's going back the day after tomorrow and tomorrow I'm taking him to see some more temples/shrines.

Alone time (taken some days ago).
One of the things I've come to find out I actually enjoy/need after writing this.
Me and the usual morning. Let the energy flow!

Coming back home, it was raining and I had no umbrella. It was raining considerably. I usually get very mad with rain, I don't like the feeling of it. But this time it was different. As I said it's like my heart was just calm and feeling nothing. I can't really explain it. But anyway. I went calmly to catch the bus. I first had to look it. I actually didn't know the way home (lol), I was in a place I don't go very often, so I have an excuse. But I soon found out the bus and came back. 
Nevertheless, I had this feeling, just looking at the city, I don't know how or why, but I felt kind like I belong here. I kind of felt like a citizen of this place.  


And changing the subject a little bit. I have no mobile internet for the past week and half. And that has made me realize I actually don't need the internet. I still don't know how I'm going to solve this "problem" because the company says nothing. 
I remember the first day was kind of a shock. But after that day that I'm kind of like in peace. I miss having the portable internet, don't get me wrong, but I know that I can live better if I'm not always checking my smartphone. 
It's like I have less stress. And time kind of feels longer. I can enjoy my surroundings better. Everything is more peaceful, calm. I want the internet back alright, but it's like I don't really mind if I somehow don't have it back.  

Good night.

2013年12月25日

Christmas Eve

So, yesterday a friend of mine who is also studying in Japan came to Kyoto. We both wanted to have a more "portuguese" christmas and he was planning on coming here anyway so he decided to come by this time.

I was very happy. He came with some classmates (all from different nationalities) with I'm also "kinda" friends with. The same does not happen with japanese people. I'm guessing it is because I don't have a person I trust with me on a daily basis, the feeling of security ank kind of knowing that if something goes wrong you have someone to talk to, someone that will remove that tension from you. Here in Japan I don't have that. I'm always by myself. I felt so stronger when I was with my friend...

And here we are, it couldn't get any more Portuguese than this. Friendship, Trust, Loyalty. FUN! ENERGY!


We went to see Kyoto a bit. Then we met one of my friend's classemate's friends. And we all went to eat out.

I could notice several things in their behavior. And in mine, of course. I noticed that most of them had a really "loosen" behavior, they felt very comfortable. I too was like that, but I somehow am more controlled in my gestures and way of speaking. We were speaking in japanese. If I spoke portuguese I would be even more loose. 
I talked to talked so much yesterday that I woke up with a sick headache this morning, that pretty much disappeared after easting breakfast. And NO, I DO NOT DRINK (only with very, very special people), so you can exclude hangover. It was the first real social happy interaction I've had in months and I'm guessing my brain is not used to it anymore.

According to some friends, I'm with a "Bitch Please" (internet meme) face, lol! Looking at this picture below, Samantha Jones comes to my mind. 
But beware. We are just friends! Not lovers! Apparently people in Japan always assume "lovers" when they see a "couple", "boy and girl". But that is not the case. I have many boy friends and we go out often, but that does not make us "lovers". Just like I have many girl friends, and we go out often as a pair, but that does not make us "lovers". I love them yes, but not in a romantic way. I love them as friends. 
In Portugal we hug friends very, very often. The way we kiss each other is with a kiss on the cheeks (man/woman, woman/woman. Man/man is with a handshake or hug), so as you can see we have no problem with physical contact. Here in Japan everyone is so sensible to physical touch that, well, it's kind of awkward. I too have become sensible, but only with asian people.


Now on drinking. When I'm with portuguese friends I don't drink. It is not necessary, I don't like drinking and I don't need alcohol to have fun. Actually I kinda enter in a "alcoholic state of mind" without drinking. I don't know how this happens, but I'm guessing its just some kind of compensation my brain does. In fact, the first time I ever drank alcohol was here, in Japan. I only drink in Japan because people insist so much! I'm sick of it! IF I DON'T WANT TO DRINK, I WILL NOT DRINK! UNLIKE YOU I LIKE MY BRAIN CELLS VERY MUCH! And I don't want to make myself look stupid or say stupid things. I had a Japanese acquaintance who was very pushy and it kind of irritated me, but I would just drink so that he would shut up. Needless to say it was a very constraining moment for me. I was doing something I didn't like, pretending I liked it, and just bearing with it for hours. IT SUCKS. I Could have been using my time in much better ways. My Portuguese friends never never push knowing I don't drink, and Portuguese people like drinking. Real friends don't make friends do things they don't like or don't feel comfortable with!

The only person I would eventually drink with would be a lover or again, very, very close friends in special occasions such as Christmas or New year's or some kind of more fancy dinner. Other than that no thanks. And I only like two kinds of alcoholic drinks (chuhai and some other I forgot the name, both very sweet in flavor) But again as I said, I don't want to drink. I'm not interested, it has no effect on me.

[EDIT] OMG, I just realized the reason why I probably am not "coping" that much with the japanese. I think it is because I know - I studied and observed it and analyze it, and still continue doing it - and respect their culture and don't want to behave as a portuguese. Or can't. Because I too enter in their state of being. Just like it happened during a presentation I had some days ago. It was depressing. But I know that if I am not myself I will not have fun and would rather be alone. And I also know that if I am myself they will probably feel hurt in some way and I don't want that to happen. [/EDIT]

So, today is Christmas, again! Please continue having a Merry Christmas and lots of "family" (or group) love and fun! After all, Christmas is to be spent with family (and people you consider as family such as close friends), from my point of view at least.


2013年12月22日

"The Japanese Language Model"


2 or 3 pages later in the book it gives examples. The "Music Model", the "Chess Model", the "Sports Model". I present to you the "Japanese Language Model".

I wanted to improve my japanese, so I could not afford to waste Summer vacations time.
This is the so-called "deliberate practice", or deliberate learning, as I also call it.

 I knew for sure that the pace of japanese classes was far too slow for my ambitions. I bought the best Japanese learning textbooks for this purpose ("Genki" series, "Tobira", "An integrated approach to intermediate japanese" and after these quite a few JLPT N1/N2 textbooks - Japanese Language Proficiency Test). Kind of like an "investment-return" situation.
I used and use a Spaced Repetition System for better memorization.

I read internet forums trying to discover the best ways to put the japanese learning to practice. And after many hours learning about WHAT and HOW I should do it, I finally started. 

Grammar - put the example sentences from the textbooks in my SRS.
Listening - podcasts/TV as environment sounds whenever I needed not to be focused and alone time.
Vocabulary - take sentences using unkown vocabulary from newspapers, books, internet articles, videogames, music etc.
Speaking - I would voice shadow podcasts and actresses and one of my favorite japanese singers, Ayumi Hamasaki.

2013年12月20日

The Lion King

"The Lion King", the movie I watched countless times as a kid. This is the kind of movie that shows a situation common to everyone, and it somehow makes it look epic and inspiring. 
I'd like to focus the "remember who you are". Because it kind of looks like what I've been through since I came to Japan. Where I'm relearning what it is "to feel", to understand others and myself.


And by the way, I started reading a new book and have already read about half of it.
And...actually...! It was because of the new book I'm reading that I made this Lion King post. 

The book is called "Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else" and it made me realize some things about myself. I don't like bragging and that is not my intention, but now I think I have underestimated myself. 
It led me to thinking some more. And I remember one time, I was accompanying my Japanese teacher to the bus stop and somehow the conversation led to her saying that I have a gift for languages. I told her that I don't, that anyone could do what I did (learn japanese). I remember her face, she was kind of surprised with my answer. The trick is just to put in the hours, the effort. And this book is giving factual evident to what I always felt, with japanese language and with other things (sports is a given, soccer in my case). 

Also, I started reading a japanese manga. Wohooo!

Well, I just have to keep reading. Keep doing my research. Keep doing translation.Try so socialize some more. And eat different foods, because variety DOES make a difference.

Have a nice weekend!

2013年12月19日

"The Girl From Ipanema"

I have always been a fan of Jazz and Blues. I love listening to it at night. And having it as environment music when I'm with friends or just relaxing.
This morning on the bus I was listening to a Jazz Classics album while I was reading (this mix is just awesome!) and the following song was in it. I know this song, is very famous, but I didn't know it was this "old".

Here you go, the absolutely beautiful, "The Girl From Ipanema". It has both portuguese and english, which makes the song just epically great. And kind of multicultural, Brazilian sounds and Jazz in perfect harmony.


2013年12月15日

(Kinda like) 4 stages of self acceptance





Found the secret to my productivity

I went to take a walk. As I usually do after breakfast.
I was listening to Daft Punk and I was reading with my Kobo (started a new book, on LGBT studies - "Beyond the Queer alphabet").

And I was doing 3 things I like at the same time, And was also thinking about my latest buy, Sony In-hear phones and what made me choose that model. And that led me to thinking about my presentation next week.

During that hour, I felt motivated to come back home and get back to work in the presentation.

I started thinking about this "happiness equals productivity" thing on my way back home (I just got back). And I noticed that after doing the those things I enjoy I got motivated to do my "work". Like a rush of motivation, of wanting to show the things I believe in, the things I want to work with, to show the things I like. etcetera.

Actually. When you are happy, work becomes easy. I don't know why. And just got interested in reading about it. It's like that rush of happiness allows your brain to make the connections easily. You suddenly become faster. And ideas start running in your brain. So many that you want to write about them all in your blog but you can't.

My work.
I know that my work will bring me knowledge, that is giving me back old and renewed confidence. Knowledge brings happiness. Actually knowledge is happiness. Knowledge expands your mind (brain connections). Knowledge plus things that make you feel good just because (music, comedy tv shows - this is knowledge too!) make you feel even better. Smarter.

So what I'm going to do after this is not necessarily my "work". I like doing that in the afternoon when the sun starts fading. I'm going to do some more enjoyable things (going to continue reading). And before getting back to it I will give myself the pleasure of a latte and toast while reading some more on social media.

Now to make a long story short.
Doing things that make you happy will make you more productive. And if you want to go fast...relax, go slow and enjoy the process.

2013年12月14日

Social Media And Real Social Life

Funny how I only feel like someone acknowledges my existence when I'm at home by using social media. It would be so different if I were in Portugal. 

"You like to show off don't you?"

Well...no, using social media it is the only way I have here to tell people I know I actually still exist.  I use facebook mostly to keep in touch with those that actually matter to me. It is sad, yes, but it's the harsh truth. In a foreign country with no one even remotely like me, I have no other choice. And the place I live in also doesn't help. There's simply no opportunity to meet other people. I'm fine with that actually, I just really don't have no one here to "hang out" with. That friend, or that group of friends. Or perhaps, the people I already know to some extent don't really interest me. Because they don't have that many interests. Because I know I'm more amused if I'm alone rather then with them. It's too bad, because if there's person with original hobbies and games (not videogames) and different ways, or portuguese ways to do things, that's me. And I'm not bragging, it's just that from what I've seen so far.  
I love good challenges, hard things, things that make you push. Like sports (let's just add more 5 minutes! Let's just make the circuit once more! If I fall we loose!). Like learning languages (only 1 more word! Okay, one more!) I remember as a kid playing with my friends in the woods. Like we were scared with noises and would start running and just pretending we had spies or whatever coming after us. It was so fucking fun! We were scared, but we knew we were safe, so that thrill of fake danger just made us be scared and at the same time wanting to burst out in laughs. Oh the thrill! 

And there's also halloween when we form groups and after each other with eggs and water balloons lol. And during summer in school, it's forbidden but somehow we managed to make water balloon fights.And outside of school throwing them at cars randomly. And throwing rubbers from the ceiling were no one could see us at cars. Ah, fun times. Though according to my dad's stories, in his times kids were way more creative. And this is nothing. I was always a very straight kid, very conservative in the time to play. My friends cursed a lot, I didn't and that made me kind of an "outsider" because I just wouldn't break the rules parents had taught.

And now that I think about it. actually, I've been realizing that my favorite hobbie, and the one I lack the most is that. Thrill! Playing games with friends outside, games that push for your emotions. Not necessarily sports. 
I also remember using (or trying to lol) "walkie-talkies" with my cousins. We lived close (and still do, they actually live next door) and we could hear something as a matter of fact.

I miss having fun like this. I miss running, not as sports but out of this thrilling fear! Fear of getting caught! Fear of losing the game and having to be faster than the other contenders! Fear of being found! I get excited just by thinking about it! *_*

Well, then there's twitter.

Twitter is like your friend. In the train. Or when taking walks. Or when waiting in the line. Or when you're bored at some class and feel you could be wasting your time actually learning something you're interested.

I started using twitter with the purpose of registering what I read online. Just to feel like I read something. I felt bad with myself because my friend read and commented the news and books and I didn't so I started using twitter to get more information and be able to discuss things with them. And look, I've learned so much I continue doing it. I use twitter to read articles from websites I like, to read inspiring tweets and I use my personal tweets to keep my followers, if any (genuinely interested in what I post) and that's about it, entertained. I also like when I have to rephrase my sentences because of the character limit.

Probably some colorful news. Soon.

Have a nice weekend :)

2013年12月13日

[AUDIO TEST] O MEU SOTAQUE PORTUGUÊS

 This recording is entirely in portuguese. I was curious about my portuguese accent, because when I first entered college my friends would laugh at me because my accent has some particularities, and when discussing that with friends from my hometown they told me their university friends also laughed at them for the same reason.
Here it is. If you're curious give it a try. I got surprised with my accent actually. I never really liked listening to my own voice but not it sounds kind of different and I kind of like it.


So...puberty, ...at 22.

I always thought something was wrong with me. I showed no interest in regular "kids" activities. I liked videogames very much, until all my friends started "adolescence" and I had no more friends to play.
My theory is that, with all that happened to me, lol (someone should make a movie about me lol), me hiding myself and not being able to mature at a regular age plus my friends going through puberty has made me lose the interest in many things I liked. Because my friends started having other interests, such as dating, and doing more teenage stuff, such as parties, going to watch movies, shopping etc etc and because I couldn't go through that phase because I was subconsciously hiding myself and hindering my brain connections, I feel like I'm going through puberty now.

Not only I go through several very different moods and disposition a day, as now I, more than ever, want to try new things. There's a big influence of media, that manages to make me confident in a bright future because I want to have the life of the people I see.

It's like ever since I started my masters degree that this process is slowly beginning, ups and downs, and now, that I have come out of the closet things are happening faster. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Good thing is, I'm learning the hows and whats, I still can't handle myself as I wanted. There are times when I feel overly confident but a good person, and there are times when I feel overconfident but arrogant (when I'm alone outside my home and it depends on clothes). And I don't like that. And I don't know why that happens. Of course there the external influences too. Then there's the influence of food (and I never though up until now how food could have this much effect on my mood. And on physical strength!). Yesterday I ate chicken at school, the first time I ate meat in several weeks and it felt not only super delicious (I seriously felt like crying lol, it had mayo and it was so fucking delicious compared to tofu) like I felt that despite being the worst day of the week in which I only arrive home at 8PM that I was not tired. I actually don't know if it had any influence, also because I was very happy during the morning. And being happy makes you last longer! I have been realizing that and I try to make things in a way that I can add more happiness to whatever I'm doing. So I'm not sure if the chicken I ate had any influence or if it was just my general happiness.

I went a bit off topic, but yeah. I think that psychologically I'm entering the puberty phase now. Physically it's long gone, but mentally it's starting now. I now want to feel at my best all the time. I want to give a good impression of myself. I want to show other people I'm valuable. I now genuinely have the need to date someone.This is so weird. I never thought I would ever say this.

However.
I think this is going to be a particularly different puberty stage, at least comparing with my friends'.

I am in Japan. I am 22. I am a bisexual with no interest on emotional relationships with men, thus making me a lesbian (I don't want relationships without the emotional part). My friends are portuguese and are obviously in Portugal. And by friends I mean people I can share safely emotional problems and go here and there and laugh without having to restrain myself, and watching tv together and comment the tv show together, and play videogames together. People with the same interests basically. I feel that all the people I know here have no hobbies. And then I ask some people if they work and they say they don't, so I ask myself, "what the fuck does he/she do during all day besides classes?".

What sucks here is that I have no opportunity to be myself at full power. At least for now. When I'm in Portugal everything is cheaper. More importantly I don't have to buy groceries (parents do), I don't have to pay this and that (parents do). I have no opportunity to think about life more deeply like I have here, because in Portugal, I'm surrounded by people 24/7. And my boy friends like to discuss politics and history, I find that boring. My girl friends like to discuss TV shows and just emotional problems, something I'm more into. But here I don't have the opportunity to discuss whatever because the media we watch is different, there's no privacy and they don't really express their opinions (it makes me wonder if they have any opinion whatsoever).


When we talk about dreams and stuff at school, I always say I want to have a lot of money. Well, don't get me wrong. I want money because money brings happiness. With money you can buy tasty and healthy food. With money you can buy clothes. With money you can help people (or animals, in my case, like feeding stray dogs - in Portugal, in Japan I only see stray cats, I would love to have the liberty to feed stray cats here). With money you can go out more times. With money you can invite friends and have dinners at your home. With money you can indulge yourself more often. Without money you're just...limited. Maybe I don't even have the need to make a lot of money. But I'm still not in the job market, I'm a student, so why not aim HIGH?

If people are satisfied with whatever they already, money, knowledge, whatever, they won't develop. Well, with money, as long as you have a job you like and a good salary that's okay. With knowledge...that's not okay. The more I read, the more I feel confident, the more I like myself for the new discoveries (that not only make me smarter, as they give me more arguments in a conversation increasing my changes of "making my point"), the more anxious I feel for the moment of doing the reading knowing that all of this will happen, it's an endless cycle. The more you read, the more you know, the more you know, more opportunities appear, new opportunities/possibilities appear, the more happier you are, the more happier you are, the more happier you want to be, the more you read. And by writing this it might sound like I'm always reading. Well, I'm not. I read 1 or 2 hours a day for books and probably 30m to 1 hour on social media (articles).


So puberty is known the phase of stupidity. And I'm definitely feeling like a kid again, actually for the first time since 5th grade lol. This kind of sucks because I sometimes feel like I need some parental protection/affection. This might seem kind of weird, but I always felt some teachers as some kind of mother figure, which indeed is weird and makes me feel pity and very ashamed for myself for wanting/needing and lacking that. During all these years hidden that I never really had any real connection with my parents because I didn't want them to feel pity for me, subconsciously. And for other reasons too.

So I was told too that this was the an exciting phase of life. I certainly understand that. Not necessarily time, but everything feels fast and intense. I wonder how long this will last. If it ever finishes.

See ya.

2013年12月12日

I love me

For the first time in my life, I feel happy with myself. I was all these years subconsciously feeling prejudice against myself. But now, for the first time I feel I have no limits because I have found who I am and what I want. And now I can fight for it.

Everyday now feels like a ton of excitement. I enjoy my studies, TV shows, things I'm looking forward to do (like reading science fiction, zombie action, futuristic stories, etc), music that lifts me up and ready to go, exciting videogames, the dreams I have, etc.

Life's fun now.  This feels good and I want more of it!

がんばれっ!

2013年12月10日

No longer in a psychological cage ☯


By Dachis, who, coincidence or not, has always been my favorite LifeHacker writer.

Six Things I Wish I Knew Before Coming Out

I read this article and many things started making sense. My late recent mental development. I never thought that sexuality could have such an effect on life. I literally lived 10 unhappy years. Without knowing feelings.

But I was in "auto" mode. The fears I had and that I accepted as a kid blocked my mental development.

Now that I think about it, since I was a kid, I felt a click on my brain, something was not "normal". But since it was not "normal" I would ignore it and just try to follow "the rules". I had the possibility in my head, but it was just so not "normal" that I wouldn't even consider it. 
Despite being 10 years old (in my 5th grade) the first time I remember being attracted to someone, well, I was 10, I didn't know what that feeling was. It was in kindergarden, but I'k'm not sure if that should count (you know, puppy love).
I guess it was weird for me to think about it. Because it was not "normal", so I never really paid attention. Or I didn't want to pay attention. I am "normal". If I am "normal" and this is not "normal", then why? Kind of in an unconscious way.

I indeed started fearing the possibility. To the extent that I tried to suppress whatever feeling I had. I stopped thinking. I didn't want to think about it. I had to fit in. I couldn't be even more different than I already was. I was shy, and I was a little anti-social to those who were not my friends. Those who could be potential psychological attackers.

So my brain kind of stopped in time. And everything I lived, that I didn't wanted to admit, became lost memories (all coming back now)
It's amazing how the body works. I was so young, and yet my body was protecting me. It was automatic I think.

All this unconscious hiding at such a young age (I guess the age I should have mentally matured, as opposed to being in that process now) prepared my body for the next years. This unconscious hiding blocked my brain. I remember having troubles at school. I consciously felt that my brain couldn't handle many things. Like learning, understanding. Something was not right. 

Despite feeling some sort of fascination and intimidation, never thought about it, so that "fascination" and "intimidation" kind of like didn't exist. The possibility of feeling attracted by the same sex was so impossible that this kind of reactions become nonexistent, transparent, feelingless. But now that I think about it I didn't want to look bad so I would avoid doing x in front of x people so that they would not have a bad impression of me. All unconscious human nature.

So, purposely blocking my feelings had many consequences in my growth. I now feel that if this had happened earlier I would be so much more developed than I am now. If I had just stopped caring about what other people think about me. 

That is, until I came to Japan. I came and had really strong feelings for someone. Problem is, despite feeling it, I did not know what it was. I remember "feeling" and thinking to myself something like "what the hell is this?", "I felt this before", "This is what I felt with x person some time ago" (but also didn't understand back then), "It feels so warm, so sweet.", "What is this?!". I thought and I thought. But I couldn't understand. But the person would insist. And the feeling would persist.

However, that possibility was long gone, that's was I never understood what was going on. I wouldn't even consider. When I was a kid, I probably thought to myself that if "that was the case" then it would be hard to find a life partner, so as a means of protection I blocked feelings so that I wouldn't suffer from love disappointments. Because as a kid I was like that I thought no one would ever like me if I were that way. So I had to be "normal", and the possibility of having someone interested in me was not even a possibility, I wouldn't even consider it. Not as a kid, not when that happened here in Japan.

But truth is, being hidden (and not knowing why I was hiding, because this was all done in a kind of unconscious way - I was 10!) all these years only made me unhappy. I was a failure. I was a failure and couldn't even find the cause for being a failure. Kind of like math. I blocked those unwanted disappointment feelings and all other feelings too started gradually not being felt. So not admitting, or not wanting to admit who I really was at a young age was very unhealthy, it stopped my intellectual growth. It's like my heart was caged and now the animal, the human that I truly am is free.
 And I don't feel bad for it. I feel good. Better than ever. I like myself now. I am smart. I am sophisticated. I am beautiful (I think I am). I think I now know how "sexy" actually feels like, and it is so weird for me to be saying this! I'm finally getting to know what happiness is. Not for the first time, but for the first time in a long, long time.

There's some people that have showing me that it is not wrong to be who you are. Jillian Michaels and Lady Gaga. Actually, admitting is not hard. The hard part is hiding it from everyone and faking who you are, despite being unconsciously done.


Being who I truly am does not make me less of a person considered "normal", it does not make me less worthy, it does not make me a threat, it does not make me "not normal". It just makes me, me. I am exactly the same person I was, with the difference that finally accepting myself is allowing me to become smarter, and better overall.
The interesting thing about this is that I was unaware the whole time. I had no idea I was who I am.

I wrote this post because I want closure. I can officially be me because I finally understand.

2013年12月9日


MYSELF WITH CATS

Hanging out the wash, I visit the cats.
“I don’t belong to nobody,” Yin insists vulgarly.
“Yin,” I reply, “you don’t know nothing.”
Yang, an orange tabby, agrees
but puts kindness ahead of rigid truth.
I admire her but wish she wouldn’t idolize
the one who bullies her. I once did that.
Her silence speaks needles when Yang thrusts
his ugly tortoiseshell body against hers,
sprawled in my cosmos. “Really, I don’t mind,”
she purrs-her eyes horizontal, her mouth
an Ionian smile, her legs crossed nobly
in front of her, a model of cat Nirvana –
“withholding his affection, he made me stronger.”

Henri Cole

2013年12月8日

Dreams

Yesterday I saw a video on not giving up on dreams, by a young entrepreneur.
When I was a kid I already had some big ambitions, but my dreams would often be discouraged by some people around me.

The first time I remember dreaming of something was one day, I was very, very young, I still lived in my first house, I should be like 3 or 4. I remember being watching SuperMan kiss his girlfriend. I think they were surrounded by the city, and I remember thinking to myself I wanted to go to a big city, full of lights. Always, since a very young age I've been dreaming about living in a big american city. I remember getting fascinated with businessmen and businesswomen on their suits, and their attitude, and their good looks and good life.

Other dream I had, always since primary school probably until middle school was to become a pokemon master lol.
And here's a proof. Don't know when I wrote this for sure, but judging from grammar, probably between 6-9.
Literally:

"Dad, I'm writing this letter to tell you I want to go to Japan to be a Pokemon Master. Please tell mom too. I want to go to Japan to know more about Pokemon, I want to know more than Mike and Renato (two friends of mine that time). If you let me go I could teach you how to know more than Mike and Renato.

To: "Dad's name", "mom's name" and also my friends, except "cousin's name""

lol!


Other cartoon related dream was to become a professional Beyblader, lol. My favorite Beyblader was Kai, hence having some friends call me precisely "Kai" (also because my other nickname is "Kainha" - given by my cousins when we were still babies, they couldn't spell my name correctly and that was how they spelled it) back at my hometown.


The next dream was probably becoming a professional soccer player. I admit it. I LOVE play soccer. It's one of the things I'm sure I enjoy the most, but unfortunately never really had people interested in doing it with me, though I did join my friends at school many times. I was also very inspired by an anime, Captain Tsubasa. This probably taught me many things such as keep going on, never giving up, rising up. This skill was not so useful for soccer (okay, it was useful in the physical education class! I was the best girl) but it would be later on, for example when I was learning japanese.
 Mark Lenders was my favorite character.



Other dream was to have a job like my CSI idols. Ever since I was a kid I had this thing for cops. And CSI is more than cops. It's safer, they have guns, and they solve puzzles. I remember buying a pair of boots because I wanted to look more policeish. I also remember waiting eagerly for my science class in my 9th grade (I was 14) after having lunch after watching CSI. I was very interested in Science during that time because I remember we were studying things like DNA and from where people get their characteristics like eye color from.


The dream of coming to Japan, know japanese I kind of already achieved it. But for that purpose, I forgot who I trully was, by giving up on everything I liked before for the sake of focusing only in japanese and get fluent as fast as possible.
Well now, I dream of having a job that makes me use what I know. Japanese, english, marketing/branding knowledge, social media skills. I want to be a leader. I feel I can be a good leader. I know I am a good leader. I know my worth. I know what I stand for. I know I give it all for MY people. I give it all for US to WIN. I want to make MY people HAPPY. I want to feel the gratification of letting someone go home earlier. Of giving a Christmas bonus. Of inviting everyone I work with to have a dinner/party several times a year. I want to make everyone related to me as productive as they can be, making them happy is the only way.

People = Happiness = Motivation = More Happiness = Productivity = Success = Happiness

Christmas is coming. I feel bad for not having anyone worth giving a present to. Because I don't know anyone to the point of knowing what they like or not. I also don't really have the means to be giving away presents but nothing feels better than giving something to someone you like.

Prejudice? Oh no! hmmm...what's that?

I was talking to a chinese "friend" and because I was curious, I wanted to know more on the chinese views on homosexuality and LGBT in general.

I'm going to be brief here because I don't want to get mad.

So basically:

- Gay people have a dicease in their hearts/brain
- Gay people are gay because they feel like being gay.
- Gay people, despite being able to choose the opposite gender, have the need to go homo.
- Gay people can be cured by going to some kind of psychologist.
- Gay people are not normal. They somehow because they are gay are different in all the rest too.
- He doesn't like gay people, he doesn't know any (or so he thought lol) but if it is gay, he doesn't like them. He doesn't even need to know anything else. It's gay? Don't like.
- According to his facial expressions and way of speaking, gay people should be exterminated from this planet.
- He was very annoyed with gay people, almost as if they had some kind of influence in is tad life. I know he comes from a true "society" where everyone is connected. But if one does not admit and ackownleged who they are, even on a private level, they can't be happy. He didn't even know the chinese word for "coming out of the closet", chugui 出柜.
 
It was very funny to talk with such an ignorant and limited person. I don't know how chinese people from big cities are, but I'm hoping they are now like him. I'm expecting some higher levels of education, but at the same time, I expect them to be like this guy, just in case so that I don't get sad if I somehow come to find out they are like him
And in a post I made some days ago, we can see that this is the same for japan. Where they are so ignorant thanks to their government that they don't even acknowledge the existence of other sexuality. It must be so sad to be a "different" (lol) person in Japan and China...
Countries that respect not individual freedom of choice, or respect, but then you get ostracized. lol! I pity them...this is 3rd world for me.

It's so weird to see people here kind of perplexed when they "feel" (literally, with their bodies) something different, they start making weird body movements that I can't even understand.

I might be a little to harsh with my words here, but I think it is not FAIR, and people have no right to speak about "different" people the way they do. And the worst, sharing their views with the rest of the people from the "group". That's a violation of a person's privacy. Having people talking on their back...
I personally love Chinese and japanese people when they are nice to me. I'm always nice and respect people when they respect me.

In case of Japan, its just national culture for them not to mix with the different, nor to show any interest in what is not japanese (from what I've heard, and from what I'm seeing in most people) hence my difficulties here,but chinese people are curious and warm.

It's kind of funny, and changing the subject a bit, I feel so much more comfortable when sending emails to the people I work with, than to be around with the people I see a few days a week at school. I feel like the people from work like me and trust me, and because I feel that, I like them and trust them back. With people from school, they never showed any interest in knowing me, they don't trust me, they don't let me trust them, so I'm always rushing to come back home. School makes me tired and extremely uncomfortable. As apposed, in Portugal I would stay in school until 12PM (library closing time) with my friends(AKA people I trust) and being home was boring.
Here, being home feels safer and warmer.

Truth is



2013年12月6日

Invictus

RIP Nelson Mandela.
A true super hero passed away, but his legacy will last forever.

2013年12月2日

[TEST POST] A special thanks

As I had said before, more positive posts would follow the negativity from the past weeks. Inicially I intended a post per week, but lately I've been writing pretty much everyday. This is really turning into a diary, omg.

I have been going through many changes, specially since I moved to this house. I was, and still am, discovering myself.
During the past 3 months, I was able and still in the process to understand me, my influences and origins, understand my country, understand Japan, understand China, understand so much about so many things.

I changed. I started reading much more often. I started using music as not only a hobbie, but as a powerful tool. I started watching western (USA) TV again, as I often did until I started studying the japanese language. I started reading on different things online. I started applying the knowledge of what I read (in websites such as Life Hack) I started using social media in different ways. I started interacting more with my portuguese friends. I started interacting more with my family. I started doing things differently.
And now, I want to give a special thanks to everyone and everything that made that possible.

1. My family.
Without their help I'd never be here. I'd never be going through these positive changes. I'd be the same cloistered person I used to be.

2.  To my loyal friends. 
Whether from my hometown or university, I still have frequent contact with my bests. I can't have any interest in people around here. The things we like are different so we can't really talk about media. And if we were to talk about more serious subjects, well, they just don't know or don't like to give their opinion. So, yeah, thank you Portuguese friends. 

3. To my Portuguese Teachers from every grade of school.
 For just following the rules and allowing us students to develop in freer ways than in other countries.

4. To Jillian Michaels.
For being the person she is. She is an absolute role model to me. She's strong, mentally and physically. She's a businesswoman. She's a lifestyle coach. She's beautiful. She is not afraid to admit her mistakes. She is not afraid of being who she is. A true leader.

5. To my japanese teachers in Portugal.
Who still behave japanese in some ways despite being in Portugal for so many years. Being, however, educators of absolute excellence. Japan should have teachers like these in Japan. It's just unbelievable the incompetency of many teachers here, the education system here is just pitiful.

6. To Japan.
If I hadn't come here I would have never developed as I'm developing now. I love Japan, despite Japan not loving me that much.Or maybe its just my personality that doesn't fit here. Or maybe if I were in a less conservative city it would be different.

7. To the USA.
For being the home-country of my idols and most of my influences. For being the country I always dreamed of living and turning a citizen of as a kid. For accepting my great grandparents as its own people and letting them make money so that I could be alive today.

And last but certainly not least.

8. To ME.
Who despite having a mental block that lasted several years and feeling that nothing would enter my brain unless languages, continued reading and following things that would be useful in the future. In the hope that someday I would develop and all that I have been doing would be useful in some way. I always have the future in mind. I always have a safety plan in case everything goes wrong. For knowing how to motivate myself. For motivating and inspiring others (mostly classmates). For not giving up. For showing others I can do it against all the odds. For striving for excellence in my japanese class. For trying to be an absolute great soccer player (never really played in a team though). For caring about others and than with myself. Actually I cared to much. So much that it led to me stopping being myself, unconsciously knowing I was different, and trying to adapt to others. Not being myself led to self loathing. That led to my long loss of awareness and consciousness. But now I'm back. Better than ever.

2013年12月1日

Juice, Marketing and Languages

So. I actually had already posted this around one hour ago.
But. Something was wrong. I felt. I was a little apathetic. Not really in the mood.

So I went out. I went to pay for the health care...something. I also bought apple juice.
I usually drink latte around 4/5PM. But today, for a change, I bought juice.

And I think I now understand what sparking creativity means.Not that this post is creative, but this change of mood, somehow felt like that. A spark. My brain started working in a different way. When I decided to buy juice instead of having latte.

I'm starting to distinguish my moods more clearly. Like what I'm feeling at the moment. What are the best moments to read, to watch tv, to write, etc. Or what to do for a mood change. When, or where I feel better doing my stuff.

Also. I read a chapter of branding literature, and while I was reading it, I began associating it with my process of English and Japanese language acquisition. They are kind of alike.

If you are learning a language through grammar books and word lists alone, that won't get you anywhere anytime soon.

You see, you need context. Word lists give you no context. Memorizing words without context is time consuming and in the end, you don't know how the word. Of course for more universal words that have no synonyms (except for slang perhaps) like Apple or Dog, you don't really need to worry about context. 

This is specially important in a completely foreign language. In my case. Japanese and Chinese. 
English is similar to Portuguese to some extent and I started using it on a daily basis since a very young age. Plus, the writing system is the same.

But Japanese and Chinese are different. The writing system is completely different. You can't get used to it just like that. Not only you need to recognize the characters, as you have to learn readings. And grammar, completely different from the ones you're used to.

In this case. In a completely foreign language, learning word lists is worthless. You'll never learn the words in the lists if you don't use them or see them being used.

Japanese and Chinese have, just like Portuguese or English, lots of similar words for the same meaning. Words with the same meaning but with different usages. So how are you going to distinguish them? How are you going to use them correctly?

Context.
You need to associate those individual words with others, for instance, in a sentence, to effectively retain it in your long term memory.


So. I'm still a newbie and I'm far from knowing a lot about branding so I'm just going to limit myself to the basics. In basic language.

If one wants a brand to succeed one has to make it desirable to the eyes of the consumer.

If one wants a brand to get recognized by the consumer one has make the brand assertive. Make it better than the rest. Make it desirable. Give it a name. Put on some attractive colors on it. Make the brand say something sexy (the motto, the catch phrase) that will make consumers even hornier. Create sexy, sleek, harmonious products. 

And there you go! The brand will be a language. Now, you want people to start learning that language. (Just like when countries need to promote their language in order to have more people studying it, more international students and tourists coming right?)

But how?

Marketing. 
You have to make consumers use the language. Get in touch with that language. Consciously, or even unconsciously.
Get them used to it. It will be in their environment. TV commercials. Internet. Even radio. Celebrities using it.  Characters using them in TV series and movies. Their smartphones. Their tablets. And let's stop here. This will be their "context". They will be so involved in it, they will will start not even noticing it. 

That's how I learned English and Japanese. Even though I didn't understand what was being said at first, I continued being surrounded with English as a kid, through Video-games and TV. And as a young adult in the case of Japanese, with TV series, Podcasts, Video-games. I got unconsciously used to the languages (in the case of Japanese it was on purpose). And it worked!

Now back to our consumers. They are surrounded by the language and getting more and more fluent everyday.
Okay.
You have heightened expectations through context. If they have expectations is because they are "studying" the language (got interested in the brand product). Now they want to get fluent. Fluency, that is, having the product.

Horny customers will reach climax when they finally get to have the product in their hands. So, because they are so eager, they are willing to pay a premium price. They might not even realize that that is a premium price.
So the consumer bought it. Now he/she can get along with other language speakers. Now they have become the same person. Now there will be no communication problems, because they can understand each other. The need was met. Nirvana. The newly fluent speaker feels good, feels satisfied, he's proud of him/herself. He can relate to people who use the same language (aka, artists, athletes or other influential people who use those brands). 

However, since there are three kinds of needs (functional, symbolic and experiential), several kinds of brands, several kinds of consumers, this little story could have been written in several different ways. And the story could continue, but not really worth it. I already made my point.

Have a nice Sunday. Love.