Romance was in the air

Well, indeed. Writing things out does help relieving. I prefer writing it here, and pretend no one knows it, no one but my micro audience. Rather than tell it to someone in person and know for sure he/she is going to tell to other people which in turn will tell other people and so on.

I was planning on writing good stuff, but I feel I need to let out all that's bursting in my head. There's not much left, I hope.

Because culture is different, and I am and have always been aware of it, I always let other people do stuff first or let them chose what they want. And just shut up and accept it. Even if I don't want to. Now it's probably a little different. I'm myself again and I have little or no patience for people who injured me in any way.

So, I'm going to talk to you about an individual. In order to protect that person's privacy I will not even tell the nationality. Let's just say it's asian.

I should mention that all that we've gone through was during a time when I could not recognize my feelings. Now I can and can also feel what other people (more like my neighbor, when the person arrives home somehow my body can feel the person's mood, I myself can't really explain it, this is all new to me. I'm in my bedroom - meaning I can't see the person - and my body just kind of senses that person's mood, it feels something, some kind of energy. And I feel my heart changing its beat, I think I start feeling that person's heart) feel.

So I'm not really sure why the person got the sudden interest in me. Was it me, unconsciously, feeling something for the person? Was the person that felt something for me? I don't know.

Thing is when we were together, I definitely felt good. And felt empty and disappointed when the person would not come to school. And when the person would come I'd be happy. When in the same room I would kind of feel safe, warm. The person would sit in my back in some classes and I don't freaking now why or how (I'm guessing they can control their respiration thus affecting people's hearts in harmony with them), but I would get sleepy. Very sleepy.

I still don't know what happened for sure between us.

I'm also not sure, and I'm probably guilty on this for now knowing my feelings and not behaving according to my feelings. I was only behaving according to my brain. Because I could not feel what I was feeling, I wouldn't understand what the other person was feeling. And I'm guessing that the person was highly offended by it. I wish I could feel guilty for this, but not only I'm not sure, as I had no way of understanding, because I couldn't feel.

Funny, that now that I write about it, I acknowledging the feelings I felt but never thought about it in that time. Never realized I was feeling something.

In the beginning I would probably pass by sign the person made for me to see and would ignore them. Not ignore actually. I wouldn't notice them. Or I wouldn't even think those were signs meaning something. Because were I come from we don't really use that kind of communication.

 Branding literature. Interesting right?

Signs like seing things in groups of two. Chopsticks, food etc. I might be overthinking here, but that happened several times and in determined moments, hence making me suspicious. Leave x in x place. Suggest something in an answer in a class to make you think about it. Internet stalk etc. If the person likes you, you actually don't mind and like the feeling of being important to someone.

The problem is when you start beginning to understand whats going on, you see the person with other people on purpose. To make you jealous. And it took almost the whole year for me to start understanding. Actually, it wasn't until in one class the person looked at me in the eyes and said "Lover" when answering to something during the class.

I don't work with uncertainties. It is or it isn't, there's nothing in the middle. If I am not sure of something then nothing is going on. Specially because did not really exchange physical contact. Nor words. It was all really blurry. And very "foreign" to my eyes. I really was not understanding what was going on. I still can't.

Because all the time prior to that was just nothing official, nothing was going on. Until the moment it becomes kind of official, then it is a whole other story. Again, I might be over-thinking. But this is the only way this whole thing makes sense to me.

And the person also did many things I felt offended by. And that deserves no forgiveness. Lying. Betraying.

What matters is, I studied more that person's culture, to understand how love and relationships worked there but so far, I have no success in understanding because the way the person behaves is different from all I read. I read books, I read online articles, I asked other people for opinions. Hell, just today I just started reading a book on human sexual behavior. With this "relationship" in mind too, but also because of my sudden mental development, search for new and different ideas, and of course to change the kind of literature I'm reading because reading always about the same stuff can get boring too.

And this post ended up not being negative at all, as I was expecting. My brain must be blocking the bad happenings. I could probably write some more stuff about us.

I should say that I don't have any interaction with the person anymore.

I am whatever you say I am

Writing does, indeed, help relieving some feelings. Throwing it all out. Actually, that is something I usually kept to myself. My feelings. In school, I never shared any emotional problems I might been going through with my friends. I just stood there. Pretending nothing was going on. My friends insisted is making me speak. But I just didn't. As I mentioned previously, I feared pity. And I know that, I'm very sensitive with emotional stuff. I'm the "typical" women, as some might say. But I might be stereotyping. I don't know what the "typical" woman is supposed to be in other countries.

But what is the typical woman?

I'm not going to say what it is, because I don't know. To some cultures it is X to others it might be different. But so far, the japanese woman, the Kyoto japanese women is pretty feminine.

To me, women and men only differ in style of clothing, physical features and not much else. Liking sports does not make you less of a woman. Saying swearwords does not make you less of a woman. Not wearing skirts does not make you less of a woman. Liking videogames does not make you less of a woman.

Limited people however, think it does.

But no. A PURE, TRUE WOMAN should be submissive. Should obey the man. Should obey the parent. Should obey the teacher. Should obey the son. Should wear adequate clothes. Should be polite. Should endure what others say. Should have no opinion.  Should this and that.

This is what I call NO FREEDOM. LIMITED MINDS. Who can't think outside the box. But since they are ignorant and know nothing beyond their own reality they just accept it because they just don't have any other options in their brain. They have never seen for real other realities. They might have seen a few times and judged it very promiscuous. Or aggressive. Or rude. Or whatever.

This of course does not apply to everyone. Only to those who, by reading this if they had the opportunity, would relate and feel embarrassed.

Just the other day, in a dinner with chinese friends, one of them was probably talking bad things about his girlfriend to another, and the girlfriend started crying. LOL! And she stood there. Shut. Crying and trying to hide her face from me. I felt the need to help and protect her somehow but I was powerless because my chinese is not good enough for me to argue with them. And, when some hours later they got back to japanese (that I understand), that subject was already forgotten. So I could attack.

Now I'm going to change the subject a little bit to tell you a story. Still related, however.

There was this time, when I was in the japanese listening class.

In this class, me and my womanhood were immensely offended. When I'm alone, I say swearwords every now and then.

In Portugal it is ok to say them among close friends (obviously you're not going to use them with a stranger or people you're not close with, and you only use them in a few occasions). Even women.

Mentally limited women (as in those educated in rich families, and the "tias" - a kind of 40+ year old bimbo woman who married some rich guy and appears in the magazines for the most ridiculous reasons, who are always making plastic surgeries to look younger) don't say it because they don't want to be compared to "lower" people. They don't want to be associated with normal people. Ridiculous. I know this, because I have such people in my family. Who think themselves as superior just because they are more classy, or because they don't say swearwords, or because all their wear is brand clothes. Thinking that automatically makes them superior. This haughty attitude makes me sick.

Well, I lived with chinese people. And of course, me, being the "alien", from a different, more individualistic culture, was like, well, the "alien". The alien that could be used to this and that, subject of indirect laughter, and that would have every move judged and known by everyone in the fucking room. In the fucking "group".

Despite not having as many clothes as I wanted in Japan, and being an advocate of comfort (jeans and sweat for instance) I feel like I tend to be regarded as very manly woman here in Japan. Wether because of my clothes, or because of my attitude. I understand. Sometimes I kind of feel like one, depends on the clothes I wear, I've been noticing lately. I'd like to buy more, but have no such freedom yet. I was supposed to stay in Japan for just one year, but fortunately I was able to prolong my stay for two years. Meaning I have a limited wardrobe.

Point is, my identity is MY identity and MY problem. MY PRIVACY. I belong to NO ONE. Despite what I might be feeling in the moment, that's just it. A moment. I am a woman. I am proud to be a woman. I am proud to be the woman I am. I am proud to study. I am proud for liking sports. I am proud for having toned arms (not bulky arms, toned arms, not as tone as I wished though). YES. I DO WEIGHT TRAINING. I WANT TONED ARMS TO LOOK BETTER. TO LOOK HEALTHY. TO LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT MYSELF. But I'm just going to start lying to people when they ask me about sports, they are very limited to understand that. Otherwise I will have weird looks and an awkward silence moment following my statements.

Anyway, I AM proud of what I AM, regardless what others might think. If I shock you. Good for you! Reality check! Your homogeneity is not supreme! Glad I taught you something! I opened your mind a little bit. Or just closed it even more. Depends on how limited you are.

But what I really don't like is being laughed at in the middle of the class. In front of the class, obviously they don't say it straight in your face. They say things that you might relate and somehow are able to make themselves understood. Because of what they are saying. Because of what I'm feeling. And because they can feel what I'm feeling. And the very stupid and very limited teacher (from what I noticed during that one year.) joining that. I guess it's their shame culture. Which in itself, it's shameful and very xenophobic.

After having this kind of lovely moments over and over, one obviously becomes less and less interested in people. You know what's going to happen and you don't want to feel it again.

I also love it when you have a moment of happiness, and they feel it, and then just end it, by saying something you will not like.
Or when they assume that you have a lot of free time because of how you use social media.

 1. I have a lot of free time indeed. Because I maximize it. I use my working time in a way to have a lot of free time.
2. Mind your own business. How I spend my time is none of your's..
3. I'm a freaking student, I'm not a full time worker.
4. I use my computer to work, read news, watch tv, listen to music. I use my computer for almost everything digital related. I use social media a lot because I like to be informed. I like to share things that might be useful. Or teach something.
5. Everyone is so "busy" so I really have no one to share this spare time. No one I'm interested in sharing at least.

Or when they assume that you are like them, that know how they work, that the school system is the same. That you understand their non verbal cues. Well we don't. At least at first. And when they find out you don't, they take advantage of that. You become kind of like the "stupid" and rude foreigner. And I must say that I've given up on all this ambiguity (both japanese and chinese). I'm tired of over-thinking. The thing I do the most here is to think. That and reading in social media. To feel a little closed to my way of thinking. And to my friends.

I'm developing such an individualism and pride here that it kind of worries me. I've had a fair share of drama with other people here, I'm kind of tired. And because of that other people are becoming less important. Now I have no other people. It's just me. And I need to be strong in order to bear all this mental baggage. Or so I think.
When people throw hints repeatedly at me, there are so many ways I can interpret it that I never know which is true, which leads to more over-thinking and more suffering. I can't get close to someone here to the point of calling them true friend. I just assume I can't because if I do my privacy will be lost. Can't risk it. I would love to talk about some emotional things with other people but I can't. Because, again, privacy issues. Sure, people might know some things I like, and some personality traits from what I post on social media, but that's not all. That's just superficial. They have never interacted with me in other occasions. Other than the internet. They don't know me.

When you talk about yourself they start thinking that you are the only person that matters in your life. That you don't care about other people. Individualism.
Sometimes I feel like they ask questions just to analyze me, or to take the knowledge I have for them, refusing themselves to share whatever good they have in them, by answering questions in a way they won't tell you anything.
I find myself thinking a lot of times that they are much more individualistic and greedy than us (at least the portuguese).

This is all funny. But when in Portugal a japanese student comes, we have the decency of not leaving him/her alone. We don't want him/her to feel out of the group. We insist on going to the library together. On eating out together. On going to the mall together (to eat, study, whatever).
It's funny. I won't go anyway, but when someone asks me, "you don't really come to the parties/common room that much don't you?"

1. I don't fucking know when the parties are.
2. No, I know no one. I'm not just going to show up there alone. That's embarrassing.
3. Funny. I never went to this, hum, common room for everyone, this place were I live has. Why? No one ever fucking invited me. Again, I'm not just going to show up there, non-invited, making myself important by showing up uninvited. Maybe that's okay in their culture.

Now I'm guessing this is the so called social alienation. Sad thing is, I am so much more social than everyone here might wrongly think I am. And it's hard having to be this way.

And sorry for the bashing lately. I actually like Japan very much. But as I said. Writing is the best way to clear your mind. A lot of things I say might be wrong. Might be over-thinking. But again, I need to put this out so that I can think about new stuff.

The praising days will come too (sooner than one might expect from all this negativity, today's post was supposed to be one, maybe tomorrow). ;)

Truth difficult to bear

I have inevitably been thinking a lot since I came here, I'm getting to know myself, what influenced me, and more importantly understanding that de facto those influences actually really had a big influence in my mental and even physical growth. I have been learning about my own culture. Comparing my culture to other cultures (mostly Japanese and Chinese and others I read about). I have been learning about my friends. How despite being from the same country we have different cultures. And how we created our own culture.

I became ignoramus before coming to Japan. I actually became intellectually stupid when I started dedicating myself to the study of the japanese language. I completely stopped watching western media (hence, ending up losing my standards, my idols, those that I saw on TV and tried to become since I was a child). I was obsessed with becoming fluent. I spent my Summer vacations since 2009 "studying" (in my own way) the Japanese language. I wanted to be japanese. I wanted to feel japanese. I wanted to speak perfect japanese. I loved Japan more than my own country. I loved Japan more than I loved myself. Naturally, along these years, and ever since the beginning that I, or better my body as a whole, subconsciously knew I hate to lose. This will to be the best japanese language student of my class kind of blinded me during the years I was there. All this will to be the best japanese language student of my class kind of blinded me during the years I was there.

Then I enrolled in a Master course. Where I'm learning more than ever. Because I want to. Because I want money. I want money to buy the things I like. I want money to spend in vacations and theme parks and games and paintball with my friends. I want a badass car. I want a badass house to invite my friends. I want dogs and cats. I want to create an animal shelter (like the big house we see in the "101 dalmatians" in the end of the movie, it is been a dream since I was a child).

My two japanese teachers are probably two of the smartest people I've ever met in my life. One of them has lived in several countries for several years, so I can only imagine her knowledge. No, actually I can't. 

Having said that, the image of real japanese people I had was these two japanese teachers. Needless to say, my standards were extremely high. 

And then I came to Japan. 

And overwhelmed I am with disappointment. I mean after all the hard work...!

The reason? Again, thanks to those teachers, I studied Japan thoroughly and so, everything I saw here didn't really surprise me. I had seen it all already. Sure, food is great.

See, as I said, I started studying, I started realizing about me and myself and my culture. Everything became clearer. Politics, religion, pop culture, control, education, etc.

Perhaps if I weren't an Asian Studies student and had came to Japan without previous knowledge I would indeed be very surprised and satisfied, but that's not the case. 

I might be saying wrong things in this post and is not my intent to hurt the Japanese feelings, so if I did it somehow I apologize. And of course there's also the possibility of my still ostentatious ignorance being limiting myself in this post.

Here's a post from Japan Times that shows something that makes my stay here in Japan a little harder to endure. Don't read it with sexuality in mind, but the whole picture.
Everyone has potential, and I don't like it when people's potential is being concealed for whatever reason by external forces. The same could also apply to China, and I'm guessing in the worst way possible.

Look to pop culture if you want to blame someone for A-Chan’s gay gaffe

"All art is political. All pop culture is political.

This idea provokes fierce opposition from many. Politics is dirty and discredited, they say, and art should be above politics; pop culture is entertainment and shouldn’t have to mean anything. These arguments are wrong.

All art and pop culture is political because it all serves someone’s politics. By challenging, reinforcing or even outright ignoring dominant ideologies and social norms, art and pop culture form an important part of the framework within which society is constructed. Anyone who has felt comforted by a song that recognizes their life and struggles, or who has felt alienated by one that seems to be speaking to them from a different world, has experienced music in its most basic political essence.

So when Ayaka “A-Chan” Nishiwaki of cheerfully apolitical electropopsters Perfume told the web site Blouin ArtInfo, “Overseas, there were more men than women, and also people who were neither!” before launching into an anecdote about a gay fan and his “girlfriend,” her comments and the reaction were just a more direct expression of a discourse that is constantly occurring in pop.

Obviously many of the group’s fans overseas were extremely offended by this, while others blamed gay fans for confronting Nishiwaki with their sexuality in the first place. The debate in Perfume’s overseas fan community basically divided along familiar lines, with the universalists, who believe in certain immutable cultural values, on one side and the exceptionalists, who celebrate and defend Japan’s right to be different, on the other.

Nishiwaki herself clearly didn’t mean anything bad by her comment — on that at least the exceptionalists are surely right. The journalist who carried out the interview, Blouin ArtInfo’s Robert Michael Poole, stands by the translation and puts the remarks down more to naiveté and cultural awkwardness [The Japan Times has not heard the original Japanese recording of the interview]. What the piece shows is someone with no real frame of reference for dealing with openly expressed homosexuality struggling clumsily to find appropriate words. The cause of the problem is a culture that fails to provide people with that very frame of reference.

Pop culture and a lot of mainstream art in Japan is complicit in reinforcing norms that exclude discussion of anything that doesn’t fit a certain narrow set of mainstream values. Most contemporary J-pop has the same basic message of “friendship is good, peace is good, follow your dreams, I want a boy,” etc. which while inoffensive in its own right, limits the the range of experiences discussed in the broader cultural sphere.

Singer/model Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is often compared to Lady Gaga, but while Gaga frequently challenges mainstream cultural norms, Kyary’s songs are all essentially advertising jingles and the more challenging or fringe aspects of her music are mostly abstract, aesthetic ones (the flipside of that of course is that based on those abstract, aesthetic criteria, Kyary is far more musically interesting than Gaga).

Whether through social conservatism on the part of Japan’s culture industries or a simple race to the middle driven by market forces, all of this serves a particularly narrow vision of what Japanese culture and values are. Pop music is essentially the megaphone through which the big lie that Japan is a single homogeneous entity is propagated to its population.

It also contributes to a cultural ignorance about how things are perceived by different people. It pushes pop culture and mainstream art into the abstract and aesthetic realms in order to satisfy its need to push boundaries, with experimentation in form sometimes creating genuinely striking music, art and fashion — but also leading to a situation where popular boy bands such as Kishidan, can appear on TV in full Nazi SS uniforms and not understand how that’s problematic.

A lot of this comes down to political correctness, which at its worst can be a form of Orwellian newspeak, but at heart really just means thinking about the effect your language and imagery will have on other people. Language that appears to deny gay people their right to a gender is a horrible thing for many to hear, however well-intentioned. Artists should have the freedom to say whatever they want, but they should at least know why they are saying it.

Opening pop culture up to more voices would give people the tools to make those judgments and lead to a greater cultural consciousness that would enrich rather than stifle Japanese culture."


...Ignorance is bliss.

The Governor Evolution

To those of you who are familiar with "The Walking Dead", you certainly know who I'm talking about when I say "The Governor".

Today I was watching the latest episode of the 4th season, and got myself amazed by some things I noticed.

First. 

The fact that I was analyzing every character and every action. Good. It is the first time I actually felt I was absorbing, consciously, intellectual content from the show, and from any show for that matter. I repeat, consciously.

Second.

Now onto the analysis itself.

Just a recap of what happened (SPOILER ALERT)

He and his new family were admitted to a camp.

He killed the leader.

He killed the candidate to leadership.

He threatened the number 2 and a sort of joint leadership was created (based on the fact that he was discussing some decisions some things with that guy, so I could be wrong). 

I'm guessing that his goal when he killed the leader (a former "acquaintance of his) was to become the leader himself (just like he was in the previous season). He knows he is good, he knows he has the ability, he needs to do it. Nor just for himself, but for the best interests of his own group. 

Then he goes into the woods with the other two I already mentioned and we see that the contender is very soft hearted guy that does not want to risk attacking other people because he is a good person, even if it means sacrificing his own. His number 2 (his brother, I think) is a little more aggressive and does not mind attacking.

With this in mind, I suppose The Governor not killing the number 2 and was due to the 2's nature. He was not afraid of doing whatever it takes to protect his people, he wanted to steal the camp where they found provisions even if it meant getting into fight.

The other part that I was fascinated with was when the little girl The Governor adopted as his daughter was being pursued by a zombie. The kid's young aunt came to her rescue but was kind of useless. She was inexperienced, she was pulling the zombie by his legs instead of just going straight to the skull. She was, naturally, afraid. Without knowing what to do. 

And then you hear a gunshot. It was The Governor. Experienced, cold hearted, fierce and fearless. 

In last week's episode we see The Governor (image above) killing 4 or 5 zombie with his bare hands (and a bone) after getting enraged with his instincts of protection and fear of losing his child. 

Actually, I decided to talk about this here because of this contrast. Even though they are not the same person, I could identify with both.

First, the inexperienced girl. Who did not know how to attack, how to react, how to kill.

And then the experienced, absolutely fearless Governor. Who just kills zombies (and humans too) without the minimum hesitation because he knows it all, he is not afraid. He needs to do it. He needs to protect his family. He needs to survive.

And just as a side note. 

I love this show. I admit, that when I'm watching it, during those moments, when you know something bad is going to happen, I need to be doing something else at the same time (lol) because I'm so scared (watching this show alone kind of sucks), but it is precisely this. This fear I didn't feel for so many years. I used to like watching horror movies when I was like 5 years old (lol), but while growing up I got very sensitive to blood and gore that I completely stopped watching horror shows. Until I started watching "The Walking Dead". One needs to go out of the comfort zone, even when it comes to TV shows in order to learn something new.

And I'm going to leave you with two songs that pretty much say everything about my current mental software. It gets updated every time I read something.

[WARNING - SUPER SWAG POST] ❤ WITH LOVE ❤

Huh?

I've been a little enraged lately. I've been reading. I've been learning. I've been watching different ways of acting, thinking. Culture is different, so it is only natural.

I read this morning that writing your feelings down is a good way to somehow let it go. And experiencing lots of different feelings for the first time in years...well, it's only natural I can't get the perfect hang of it.

So here I am. Writing my feelings down. Again. This is getting boring. I'm getting sick about writing this. It's always the same boring stuff. I'm glad this is a very private diary/blog with almost no readers so, not much of a problem. Thing is, I want to talk about so many other things, but I can't because my chest and brain are filled with these thoughts and feelings I also want to register.

So let me apologize to the people I might have hurt in some way. I know they are not going to read this, but I want to write it down anyway.

So, here's my formal apologies for all I did. For all I thought. For all I might still think. Man, I've done so many terrible things. Damn, I'm such a bad person!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for that!


 ❤


Wait!






No.





 No.






Seriously.






You didn't think, I was...well, serious...(!), right?





 
 ❤





No.






Oh no.






I was lying. Just like...






You!

To all those who in some way, used me. Lied to me. Talked shit about me. Tried to fool me. Offended me and my friends. Whether you are in Portugal or Japan, or wherever.

 

Here's my super swag pic! For you! ❤

For you! ❤ You! ❤

(feel like a pre-teen using all these little hearts. Haha. ❤)

FUCK YOU, GO FUCK YOURSELF. ❤
And have a nice day! : D

(And to those who in anyway helped me, are helping me and will help me...
I actually like to say things in person, but... well I'll leave here a subtle

THANK YOU.)

And that's it.

❤ xoxo ❤

"tenho mais que fazer" that is to say "I have more important things to do"

There's an expression I often use when I speak in portuguese that is:

"Tenho mais que fazer".

It means something like "I have more important things to do (so I'm not gonna bother wasting my time and energy and preoccupation on the current issue)".

For example. Trying to make someone understand that they way they acted is not the best, ie showing we care, and showing that we want to make that person better. But that person showing no respect to even listen to us.

"I'm here trying to help you and you show no appreciation or willing to listen whatsoever, so I "tenho mais que fazer"".

I found this expression interesting because it shows our worry with not wasting time and our self-respect.

In Portugal this is rather normal "thing" to do, but here in Japan I only notice it in other people in crosswalks. Taking micro shortcuts when walking.
Like why always go straight and follow the "correct" way (for instance when you are reaching the end of the crosswalk) and waste some seconds going straight and then turn right/left when you could save time and start going more diagonally and reach the new "path" faster. In the crossway example is only applies in like the last 1 meter or so before reaching its end.

I do this so naturally that I don't really notice. I mean, before taking the micro shortcut I look at the possibilities and do the "math" for nano seconds and chose the fastest way to go.
But I had never thought about even thinking about this. Never thought it could be relevant or useful. But now that I see myself dealing with people who have different ways to do things, and now that I'm the "exception to the rule", or the "different" one around here, that these little things get more noticeable.


The "Tenho mais que fazer" mindset, I think it could be applied to this everyday short cutting way to walk or do things.

Adressing people and relationships

I just finished making a hot drink (milk, water, coffee, cocoa) and was just starting to do my reading of "Culture's Consequences". Actually, I'm starting my today's reading session, not necessarily the book (almost half way through). I decided I had to write so that I wouldn't forget this.

So I have this class, "Language and Identity", and it's probably one of the most interesting classes I've ever taken in my life. So anyway, what my teacher talks and makes us talk about in the class is related to the book above mentioned, and today, we were talking about how the structure of texts formats the students minds to thinking in a certain way.

*I just realized that there is so much I can write about that I'm kind of lost on my mental organization.

But it's not necessarily about today's class I want to talk about. I think. I might have had thought of something we talked about, the since my head is flooding with possibilities of a post, I might have forgotten.

So...! I was reading, and came across the following questions.

"How highly regarded is your native language internationally?"
Don't really now.

"How important is being a male/female to you?"
Not necessarily important. But I feel proud for being a strong and assertive modern woman. I just wish I had more more to update my wardrobe and feel even better.

"How important is being a member of a religion to you?"
I'd rather not comment this one.


My native language is portuguese (european). I've lived in a multicultural environment (I guess you could say that) since I was a kid. I watched mostly american tv shows and movies, brazillian telenovelas. International music stars (mostly american). Spanish dubbed anime with portuguese subtitles. English classes (5th-11th grade). Spanish classes. French classes. And as I was about to become officialy an adult, japanese and chinese language entered my life.

So, hum, I don't necessarily have that much "pride" in my native language. Or at least for now. Now that I'm in Japan, I'm starting to realize many things about portuguese, and its relation with people relations, mindset, attitude and pretty much everything in life.

In portuguese we have a few ways for the word "you". One is "tu", colloquial, I use it most of the time. And "você". I actually really dislike having to use this one because I feel very distanced from the person I'm talking to. There's also the sub-intended subject and adressing the person by the name.
 
Onde é que vais? 
This one is the one I probably use the most.

Onde é que tu vais?
Adding the "tu" makes it a little more...hmm, aggressive? Kind of like when parents address to their children using their full name when they are angry.

Onde é que você vai?
Many students use "você" when talking to teachers, I don't, I think it's very tacky and disrespectful.

Onde é que o professor vai?
Well to put it literally...Where are you (person that is a) Professor going to?
I did not translate it as "Professor where are you going?" because it has a different connotation, using the first one is more polite and denotes more distance in hierarchy.

Onde é que o Sr. Gomes vai? 
"Where are you Sr. Gomes, going?" 
The person being adressed might be old or a boss.

Having this in mind, I've came to realize that my relationship with a even more stratified language, ie, Japanese is a little weird. I get to the point in which I get confused and don't know which politeness level to use. In emails I always write as politely as I can (work), but in everyday relationships, apart from my chinese friends, I really get lost. Not to mention that besides japanese teachers, I also have "western" teachers. And having to move through those politeness levels gets, as I said, confusing.

Being adressed as "-san" even by teachers makes me somewhat nervous and makes me feel like a subordinate. In Portugal, teachers call the students by their first name only. Or at least in public schools. I never went to private school so I don't know.
However, being called by my last name plus -san makes me feel more comfortable, as weird as it might sound. I guess it makes me feel we are equal. It makes me feel more like a grown up that can communicate without problems with other adult.

-chan is just too weird. I associate "-chan" with cuteness, and I'm not cute, at all. (I can become naturally cute, but only with a very limited number of asian people I know to whom I speak in japanese). So I feel very weird, and feel like the other person has to make an effort to adress to me in that way. We don't use "cuteness" in Portugal. I think "cuteness" is seen as very childish, and probably only acceptable for babies and lovers. I don't know how, but I think the portuguese language doesn't allow us to be cute when speaking. And I think the same applies to some extent to the english language. Japanese however, somehow, allows people to be cute. Specially women, with the "ne" terminations, that somehow sounds sweet and calms a person down.

EDIT
I kept thinking about it, and in portuguese we do have a way to make things sound cuter and softer. Perhaps to the point it actually the what one feels when someone talks that way.

For example. The word cat, "gato".

To make it sound like it is a cute little cat we are talking about or calling we say "gatinho", instead of the neutral "gato", that has no connotations whatsoever.
If we want to make it sound like a puffed, strong cat, we call it "gatão", or "gatarrão".

Thing is, I don't use this kind of adjectivation that often. Unless with my pets. But I think I use it mostly when I want to be sarcastic.
END OF EDIT

 Moving to another subject, I've been having some irritating time with the person I live with. As I mentioned in previous posts. We belong to the same university. I'm now sure if that makes us from the same "uchi" group. I guess it does.
However, in Portugal at least, or as I've read in "Culture's Consequences", students in western countries don't necessarily feel attached to their education institution. Actually, in Portugal, we feel more attached to our university course, rather than the University itself. Of course, if we are with someone from other university, that sentiment might come up. Or if you come from a good university and are present yourself you might say that with some pride. But as a "group" we feel much more attachment to the course we are enrolled in. We even have course jackets. And students proudly wear their course's jackets on a daily basis.

Me, at this moment, I feel proud of being a member of the "Intercultural Communication" master course. I feel some pride when saying I'm studying at my university, because it is in Japan, because living abroad is hard for me, and because I am a good student, if the person I'm talking to is somehow impressed, I try to elevate the prestige of the university and my own by telling what kind of person I am. And by allowing people to know what/how/what kind of person I am, I allow them to trust me.

Trust.
Which leads me to other thing. I only consider people of my "in-group" or "uchi" group people I trust. People I can laugh with, people I can talk to without having to worry if that I told them is going to be leaked, people with whom I can sing without worrying about my weak singing skills (lol), people with whom I can make some pseudo dance moves when I'm happy, people with whom I want to do things together with. If I can't do that with someone, I'll always be a bit distant. That's also a reason why I don't like instruction manuals so much. They are cold, impersonal, if I don't understand something or if it's too much information to process I get stressed, anxious, lost. I like people to give me instructions, not paper. I like people trusting my instructions. Paper is inconsiderate, paper doesn't tell the future potential helper how the user feels in the moment he/she doesn't understand something. Paper doesn't psychologically help you, on the contrary, as I said, it makes you stressed and makes you feel alone, helpless. That's what it is. Paper. Cold, heartless paper. Many trees were killed so that you could feel stressed when you read those rules and instructions, instead of having environment friendly people doing it.

To make a long story short, regardless of being members with many people of organizations of whatever kind, I only consider of "my own" those I can trust. Even within family I have people I have no confidence with, so...

Breakfast Math and Season Consumerism

Friday night!

Ah~

I literally wait for Fridays during the rest of the week. It's the climax of the week. It's basically the ad lib day of the week. The night in which I don't have to worry with the next day. I usually spend the afternoon of Saturday translating, but I don't worry with that on Friday because I know that if I fail to translate on Saturday, I can always compensate on Sunday.

Another reason for my Friday elation is nonetheless the fact that it's Big Bang Theory night! And also the day in which I reward myself with a dessert. I love Friday. I can slow down the mental pace and have some peace of mind.

But, I actually want to write about something else. I might even get back to the "good feeling fridays" afterwards, who knows.

Today I noticed, not for the first time, that I am very methodical when I'm making my breakfast. This because I want to save time to read online while enjoying my breakfast.

2 slices of bread with butter

1 "galão"

Since I know the bread is what takes longer (5 minutes to toast) I prepare it first. Then I heat up the milk and then move to preparing the cup. It takes around 1/2 minutes for the milk to be hot. I mix it with the coffee and then rush to washing the sauce pan where I heat it up so that I can have everything clean some seconds before the bread is done. Is this crazy?

If I were in Portugal, I would have my breakfast at my favorite cafe and it would look like this.

AND ALSO!

We finally got to the best season of the year! I can't even properly describe it. I'll try.

The pre-christmas time of the year, when everyone is happy.

Going to the mall shopping with your BFFs, buy brand new warm clothes, buy that new game, buy those shoes, enjoying the Christmas carols all malls play, going to some place to have coffee and a nice long and slow talk, go out and see the streets filled with christmas lights. Seeing friends and lovers holding to each other because it's cold. Singing like crazy people with with your friends

Going home with friends or cousins and play videogames and watch movies and watch tv series and eat popcorn. Or, if we were in my hometown, eat one of these hot "tripas" (you can chose whatever you want inside - simple chocolate, brand chocolate (mars, twix, after eight...you see where I'm going right?), ovos moles, etc etc).

More than ever I long for these things.

Not only I've been discovering and understanding myself, how I feel. Thus making me realize I don't feel myself with most of the wardrobe I have. Thus again, making me wanting to change it 100%. Actually, for the first time in my life. I never really worried about appearance, but it indeed does make a difference in yourself and in other people.

Not only because I miss my friends with whom I could do this. Actually, if I were in Portugal I would spend most of my day with friends (and even night) and at night go home. Somehow I can't make it happen here (for so many reasons, being the most obvious, money, always related to everything, clothes, confidence, going out, etc).

And also because I don't have the monetary freedom to buy. Heck, I have to ration so much here I bought apples for the first time in two months, last week. I am eating tofu (1 square 4 meals, around 80yen) instead of meat because meat is so expensive! Expensive and in really small quantities! I can't even remember the last time I ate meat. lol! This is so sad that I actually need to laugh otherwise it would be depressing. We Portuguese eat a lot of meat, so this is kind of "painful" for me. I get so energized with this rationed food (I mostly eat - the cheapest - ramen (or spaghetti) with an egg and tofu), I can't even imagine how I would be if I were eating meat and veggies more often. I would be Super Woman!

And lastly because, I have been studying...well. ...Brands. How ironic.

When one can only buy in order to survive, these wishes, these urges to buy get stronger. So, I seriously can't wait to have a job with a stable income, so that I could "feed" the mind.

Have a good weekend! And beware, it's getting really cold.

Now I'm going to eat while watching one episode of "Two and a half men" and then...one new episode of The Big Bang Theory! :D

Definition of "feeling"

This post is really sudden, but as would say in japanese, "shouganai", or something like "it can't be helped". There are actually several reasons I'm writing this post.

The first one is because, lately when I wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is my middle school times. I'm having nowadays some of the "feelings" I had back then. Hence the need to write. I want to tell myself that story. And I want to write something different from the last posts too. And I have no one here I feel that I can share these things with. If I had, I probably wouldn't be writing. It's sad, but true.

Second. Yesterday's post was a little mind blowing. I'm a critic by nature when I see things are not right. And I can be very cruel when I criticize, but when a situation happens all the time, and I'm not able to confront directly because of cultural differences, I "can't help" but write.because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. At the same time, I am very benevolent and I forgive things easily if people prove to me either through words or actions that they are sorry. But I need to see and "feel" their true intentions, and not just "guess". It's like I have these two lines. One for anger and one for benevolence. Crossing the line from anger takes a lot of time, and "effort" from the other person, I don't get mad easily, but when it happens I turn into a cruelly ironic person. Unfortunately, I think I can't do it in japanese. The lines wouldn't flow naturally as they would in portuguese. As for the line of Benevolence, well, that one is very low, and if the person is honest, it's like there's no line and we are back to normal as before.

So I burn my frustrations through writing. Here. This pseudo blog, or diary, whatever you want to call it.

Third. It's almost 9am and I don't remember the last time I wrote in the morning. Plus it's raining so I can't take my usual walk. And lately, I have so many followers that I follow back in twitter that I can barely see the feeds I really want (news on business, tech, etc). So that I've been using an app on my smartphone called "feedly" that is even better than twitter. And feels good! Feels good to read in the train or bus. Not sure why, but doing this while I commute brings me a feeling of "nostalgia". I guess because I usually enjoy reading the news the most when I'm coming back home. The it's the satisfaction from reading the news in an appealingly beautiful app and the joy of coming back home from school. Just like I felt some years ago.

If you somehow read my tweets (@ayupt) you might have read things on japanese language, on marketing, books, Japan, China, brands, zombies, Buffy the vampire slayer, etc.

Well happens that I'm reading two major books now (more than two actually). One is about differences between cultures and the other one, that I started past Friday, about Brand Management. So I came up with questions like "What is the definition of Marketing?" or "What is the definition of "Brand?". Having these question in mind I decided to create this post. This is the forth reason.

And wow. Just out of reasons I could make this a post. :p

Now, I'm going to give my slangish definition of "feeling" and I will then compare it with a real definition from a dictionary. I have a "feeling" (haha) that I will be using the word "thing" many times. So be prepared for my basicness. So, from my experience and as a limited writer, here it is.

(My definition of) Feeling 

(lol, I "feel" like it could be the title of a school test's essay)

-That thing that you feel when something happens as a trigger. Could be anger. Could be love. Could be joy. Could be agony. Could be irony (could it?). Happiness. Sadness. Loneliness. Could be...anything.

-The thing that you feel, but never really stop to think about it. Or you only think about the major ones.

-A state in which the person's brain "clicks" and you start "feeling".

-That uncomfortable "feeling" you "feel" when a drop of rain goes down your back during cold weather.

-That thing that makes you buy things. Because having those things will make you "feel" good. Or more self-assured, or stronger. Or cooler. Or hip.

-That thing you want to feel, the rush you feel in halloween when running away from the house where you just thrown eggs, the rush you want to feel when you play "real life games" with your friends, because it's so funny.

-That thing you feel when you really discover what's going to happen next in the book or TV series or whatever media you are enjoying.

-That thing you feel, when you look at the cool Nike snickers the person next to you is using.

-That thing you feel when you are looking forward to be with someone. That thing you feel when you can't be with that person. That thing you feel when you are finally able to be with the person.

-That thing you feel, when you deliberately give yourself as a reward once a week, thus making you anxiously wait for that day of the week to come.

-That thing you feel that hurts your heart when, you watch, for example, an animal suffering, or how should I put this, that thing you feel or your heart feels when you see blood. Like, in that moment, when you feel your heart and you get instantly weak.

-That thing, that makes you act x in a determined moment, and y in another moment.

-That thing that it's constantly dictating how you act and how you speak. That think that defines your mood for and undetermined time.

-That thing you feel, you you don't know if you're being played by someone. This makes you have two tendencies to think. Good and bad. Your mood in relation to that person swings very often.

-That thing you feel when you decide you've taken enough and no longer care.

-That thing you feel or want to feel, when you wait for your best friends after school, when you gather at one's house and play GTA, or Tony Hawk, or Carmageddon, or Pokemon or whatever game you like.

-That thing you feel when it's a sunny day and you have a blue sky and lively green trees around you.

And now I feel like these lines could perfectly be the work of a pre schooler -.-

Feeling (now according to the FreeDictionary.com)

1.

a. The sensation involving perception by touch.

b. A sensation experienced through touch.

c. A physical sensation: a feeling of warmth.

2. An affective state of consciousness, such as that resulting from emotions, sentiments, or desires: experienced a feeling of excitement.

3. An awareness or impression: He had the feeling that he was being followed.

4.

a. An emotional state or disposition; an emotion: expressed deep feeling.

b. A tender emotion; a fondness.

5.

a. Capacity to experience the higher emotions; sensitivity; sensibility: a man of feeling.

b. feelings Susceptibility to emotional response; sensibilities: The child's feelings are easily hurt.

6. Opinion based more on emotion than on reason; sentiment.

7. A general impression conveyed by a person, place, or thing: The stuffy air gave one the feeling of being in a tomb.

8.

a. Appreciative regard or understanding: a feeling for propriety.

b. Intuitive awareness or aptitude; a feel: has a feeling for language.

adj.

1. Having the ability to react or feel emotionally; sentient; sensitive.

2. Easily moved emotionally; sympathetic: a feeling heart.

3. Expressive of sensibility or emotion: a feeling glance.

So...have a nice Sunday!

Housemate diaries

I was never lucky with housemates.

When I first entered college I shared for around half a year the house I was living in with a classmate. I soon discovered it had been a bad decision. For several reasons.

The first day we were supposed to live together, she got seriously drunk at our course's students party and locked me up outside our house. Lucky for me, I was with some friends and somehow managed to convince her to open the door, despite her drunkenness.
Influenced by that sad event I never managed to be "friends" with her. I was pretty weak at that time and couldn't "defend" myself should an argument arise.

Time went by, and the most unexpected and rude thing happened. She had brought a baby cat into our house, without even asking/telling me. I found out one day, when I open the door and see the cat inside. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love cats and have many of them, but this is just plain inconsiderate!

It was Winter, meaning cold weather and (very) strong rain (at least in Portugal, in Japan it's different). Regardless of the season we were in, I found myself arriving home with the cat locked in her bedroom, with the window (in the ceiling!!!) open! This marvelous episode happened at the very least 2 times.
Fortunately, I was lucky enough to have my housemate as a really stupid and irresponsible girl, who never really did any effort in whatever she'd do, so she gave up our East Asian studies course and therefore, left the house.

However, the person who replaced her was also kind of weird.  This time, it was a woman, in her mid thirties. Due the age gap (I was 18 at the time) I never really had any interest in becoming friends with her, I was a little apprehensive too, because I was going to live with a real woman. A woman looking for a job, completely adult, who had had her college education and etc. This, for an insecure 18 year old living "alone" for the first time was frightening.

But anyway, she had the bad habit of smoking, and to make things worse, in order to lessen the tobacco smell, she would use incense, which would make the smell not necessarily worse, but weirder and very strong to my nose. As for the rest, perfect.
She left the house after around 3 months in there, her mother got sick or something and she had to move again.

These two experiences were not what I had expected so I decided to rent the rest of the house and live alone until the end of the school year.
And for the next two years I was going to live in the house next door, alone. In a T0 (meaning no bedrooms), a pseudo "loft", haha.

There was this cat in the "neighborhood" that would come to my house very, very frequently (pretty much on a daily basis). I was better off without people now, I had my cat friend and the ignoramus of my course had all given up from it. So at school was me and my friends, after school it was me and my friends at the cafe studying or just having a nice time, or at the mall. Studying at the mall was also a constant. Oh I miss doing it.
Actually the friends I studied at the cafe were from my class, the ones I studied at the mall were from the 1st year and the ones I studied at the library were a mix of the 3 years. Usually no less than four of us at one time.

But anyway, and because I'm already changing the subject, here's some pics of the house were I lived during my second and third year of college, before coming to Japan.

This sofa was the epitome of comfort. And the cat agrees.

 

Sunny day. And a fellow cat enemy. Look at her heroic stance.
 

For when I had friends coming over. And for myself too.

She had a good life during those 2 years. She even had her own blanket : D

Ah. Gotta love relaxing. (This was taken in my last day at the house actually.)

So now I'm in Japan, sharing house with a japanese. And again, I'm not very lucky with the people that live with me.
I mean, it's a matter of education, respect, manners or whatever you want to call it. But when you finish the toilet paper roll, you are expected to replace it with a new one, so that the other person doesn't have any lack of toilet paper problems when using the bathroom. This is one example, I could name a few more.

Considering that the person I'm referring to, is an adult (some months younger than me), a japanese native, is being paid by my university to work as a "tutor" and pays no rent (someone told me, not sure it it is true or not), this person, more than anyone should be more responsible, and somehow, lead by example.

Not doing it tells me you are (either):

- very inconsiderate, very rude, uneducated - bad manners (which kind of surprised me, since I'm "in Japan")
- doing it on purpose (why, I don't know)
- a very, very spoiled brat, who expects other people to do everything
- just be somehow blind or have some other physical or mental disability (which I find very, very unlikely)

I mean, it's basic manners, right? I'm not the one who's wrong here. Specially when I do my best to keep everything perfect around here.
I should congratulate the person's parents for the wonderful education and manners they thought their toddler. Yes! Because I wouldn't be surprised if this came from a 4-10 year old, but nope, we're dealing here with a young adult. Shame.

So, not that lucky when it comes to housemates, oh well. Need to keep working so that I am able to find a good job and finally settle in some place just for myself and eventually some partner.

Now I'm going to take a walk, while listening to some music to get in the mood and do some studying. 

Have a nice weekend!

fear(less?)

So, I've been avoiding to write for the past 2 weeks.
To be honest, I don't want to write this, but if I don't, things will just continue inside me. I'm just trying to have some feeling of relief or something like that.

I have so much I want to take out, that I don't even know how to start (hey, good practice for research papers...!). Thing is, I think I'm a little frustrated. I miss my portuguese friends. More than ever. I see their posts everyday on facebook. I talk to them on skype. But it's not the same. Hence me writing this. I just miss that mutual understanding one has in its home country.

Me, here, having problems with money (I am extremely savvy, and what is normal in portugal is an extravagance here -like having breakfast, or studying at the cafe, in Portugal they're everywhere, and are really cheap - one of the reasons I thinks Starbucks wouldn't be that much successful, but the product is very different, so I might be wrong, portuguese people absolutely love brands and to look good and hip), food (prices, sizes, non existance, etc), registration of classes, the fucking tuitions, and consequent fear. Fear of failing. Fear of not graduating, fear of not having a fucking job (dad's unemployed for many years, Portugal is in deep economic crisis), fear of feeling weak (hence decreasing motivation, productivity, well being, etc) because I haven't been eating decent food, fear of dealing with things from school.
It all comes down to fear.
I now understand why I have high ambitions. All my life I've been dealing with stepbacks. Been dealing with shit my whole life and I just want to feel comfortable. I'm sick of this feeling of crisis. Sick of it. So when people state that, me or whoever else, can't do something, I get seriously offended (of course, one has to be realistic). My body always knew, unconsciously that. Hence getting lethargic when I see limits. My brain has to go down the stairs again and I completely get lost and don't know what to do.

I have very high standards because I would never allow anything to beat me while I was growing up. Every single phase was hard. Since I was born till probably the next two years. High school was perhaps the best time of my life, and if I were as developed as I am now it could have been so much better (damn you late puberty?).

Wether guys in soccer, wether acquaintance's drinking problems and me having to deal with the person, wether pressure from coming from a classy family and having to read books and have good grades as my cousins without sucess (I never really liked studying, I was always average, except for languages where I was always the best and math, were I was always the worst) wether friends in english class at school,  wether dad's sudden unemployment and related feelings, whether feelings I didn't want to feel and was able to achieve suppressing them (the cause of this late mental puberty perhaps), wether classmates in japanese class in university, whatever!

Not dealing with all these internal wounds, made me grow pretty much very close hearted, because I didn't want pity. So I kept all these things to myself. I wouldn't dare telling my friends. Out of shame, out of disappointment, out of fear of pity, etc. Which in turn, ended up making me feel pity about myself.
So now, after some years of heart and feelings hiatus, now that I'm watching tv again, now that I have hobbies and my standards suddenly appeared (after starting to re-recognize my emotions - it started with what I like and what I don't like TVwise, then during the shows feeling fear, hope, love, etc). I am much stronger, and I'm at my best I usually compare myself to a bull or a lion, or a shark. That's just me. And now that I realize this, now that I know what I want, that I want to feel more like that.

I might seem a little reckless, even disrespectful, on my daily basis, but truth is, that's just the outside. In my country everyone is like that.
And for "respect" I have very high standards. If I now someone failed big at one of my standards of respect I can't deal with that person normally. For example, during presentations, I can't stand seeing teachers talking and laughing to each other while a student is presenting. Regardless of "status", it is so disrespectful for the student that it makes me sick. The same is obviously true for the opposite. And students/students too, of course.

I'm speaking against myself here, because if not in the right mindset I completely suck at presentations and would rather have people distracted with something else other than my presentation (the fear of shame).

If you respect me, aside cultural differences that my body might not be able to control, you have all my respect and all my support. But the moment you disrespect (according to my standards at least) someone, some animal (sorry, can't feel anything for most bugs), the moment you are mentally, verbally, or physically rude to some being you'll have my vehement repudiation. You could say I "naturally" turn the "ruthless agression" mode on.

Is is interesting, because writing this made me realize some things. I should write more goddammit.

I think this is my late psychological puberty's fault. Or I think it is. My head is going through so many changes for the first time in my life, that I can only think that. And I always felt something was not "normal" with me. Until now. And you should see my eyes. My eyes are big now! And I have attitude. Funny thing is, I remember being like this, many, many years ago.

This could be some puberty drama, but truth is,iIt's not that easy to live in a foreign country with no one that fully understands you, people with whom you can act naturally, you can be yourself, comfortable. This is why I'm always so eager to come back "home", or my bedroom, as you wish, because here I can be myself, I might be alone, but I'm not in "danger", or with "what's not mine". If I had someone that completely understands me outside my home I wouldn't be like this, but I don't, so I'm always rushing to go where I feel warm, comfortable.

For starters, the language is very different. Not because I lack the skills (depending on the people I talk to, my japanese level flutuates) but because I can't say in japanese what I would be able to say in portuguese or english. I feel extremely limited in japanese, I might get close to what I want to say but the language itself hits me on my brain and forbids me of saying x.  So for the first time I feel grateful for knowing these three languages.
And I do have Level 4 of the chinese proficiency test (out of 6, being 6 the best) but I do not consider myself an official "chinese speaker" simply because I can't speak it fluently as I wanted. For those who don't know, I'm a chinese studies major (bachelors), continuing my studies in Japan, mastering in intercultural communication, going to do research on marketing on for major markets (to me, not hard to guess), after one year forging my japanese skills.

Have a nice week.