that awkward moment in which you look back and realize that there are things that really turn you on but you couldn't do'em because there were no people interested in that in the vicinity (problem with growing in a small town).
always had to somewhat constraint myself due to that reason. though I admit, kindergarten (not sure of the english word, in portuguese it's ATL, where kids go after school until they finish primary school) was an awesome period and full of little geeks ready to battle with their strongest pokemon.
And for the sake of my japanese, I stopped completely all the amusing activities I had (unless in japanese) through my years of college. videogames, internet, tv series, etc. So in a way, I suddenly lost the things that had an effect on my personality, during a perhaps crucial period of character formation.
----------------------------------------------------
Today I made a rather controversial tweet on twitter (where else), that I decided to erase and discuss it here in more detail. And I apologize if I somehow offended someone, it was not my intention. And I quote:
"there are actually societies in which giving is not connected with receiving. the act of giving is enough satisfaction itself."
I can see this here in Japan not only among japanese and among the other cultures I'm living with, but what made me really question this, to the point of being quite shocked at it, is an american tv show where one of the main characters is kind of obsessed with following these "contracts" by the rule whilst other characters take it normally and don't feel the super need of equalizing (in the same value)/returning the favor.
Besides that, when you like someone, at least speaking for myself, I like giving/offering the person something, without the expectation of being given back something. That would just ruin the intention of making the person happy, because if the other person actually thinks about giving back than that might actually become a burden.
But after taking some time and thinking about it, in Portugal we also have this "custom" of "giving and receiving".When I meet with some friend after a long time, or some friend comes with me at a boring place, I feel obliged or the need to pay back. With little things, for instance a lunch, or a coffee, offering my company or help in a next time, etc.
I raise the question is, do "immaterial" things count? As in the form of behavior, I guess.
This is something related to culture, but from my up to now still not enough understanding, besides being obviously connected with culture and customs, this might also be related to the person's personality.
As it is hard to explain, I'll give an example.
I remember some time ago, in Portugal, I was (trying) to help out a friend with a school subject. Okay, I absolutely did not mind helping. I was interested and very motivated to talk about it and it could also be a learning experience to myself.
But, taking time to help the person makes one unconsciously, expect some motivation, cooperation and gratitude (as in being interested) from the other party. When those expectations are not met, and instead you have a dull person in front of you who's there almost like it was obliged to it you get mad and will most likely decline a next time (though I actually didn't, since I didn't want the person to fail the subject and didn't wanted myself to feel responsible for the person's failure - not sure if this is being selfish?).
I was thinking, could this "expectation" from the other party be considered as a "receiving" object?
Something like,
player 1 - Giving in time, money (it happened) and effort, for the other person's interest.
player 2 - No interest
player 1 -
player 2 -
So does this "expected" but not met cooperation and gratitude count as a returned "favor"? If I were to put this into speech it would be something like "you could at least pretend you're interested!!". One doesn't say these things (again, depends on culture and personality) but one thinks.
Don't know if it is myself or just the portuguese ((not all) westerners?) in general, but I used to not pay very much attention to details, and instead look at the big picture, I'm much better now, but still have some flaws.
Ever since I came here that most of my posts are analyzing my own behavior. So I'm also wondering if this self analysis is a reflection of living daily with this "to detail" asian analysis in every aspects of life. Yes. It is. The fact of being much more conscious and aware of myself is a reflection of this, oh, yes, I'm pretty sure.
All for today, writing this was actually tiring, because I had to think and re think. It's getting late and I still want to watch some tv. But as a theme for a next post, there's something that has been "bothering" me since I came here. That is the concept of "salad", yes, salad.
2013年4月27日
2013年4月26日
new look
changed the looks of the blog. also changed the title, though I'm not sure if "japanesey" is offensive or not, I actually remember a song Utada Hikaru sang in english that had that term so I kind of adopted it, at least while I can't think of another title.
and just a cool quote, from "1984", since lately my heart, feelings and brain have been kind of overwhelming me...there you go:
"They could not alter your feelings: for that matter you could not alter them, even if you wanted to. They could lay bare in utmost detail everything that you had done or said or thought; but the inner heart, whose workings were mysterious even to yourself, remained impregnable"
"they" refers to the party members/ingsoc/the big brother, the tyrants in power of this "story".
and just a cool quote, from "1984", since lately my heart, feelings and brain have been kind of overwhelming me...there you go:
"They could not alter your feelings: for that matter you could not alter them, even if you wanted to. They could lay bare in utmost detail everything that you had done or said or thought; but the inner heart, whose workings were mysterious even to yourself, remained impregnable"
"they" refers to the party members/ingsoc/the big brother, the tyrants in power of this "story".
2013年4月17日
a reflexion
I am looking forward to the time where I can actually write a "normal" post, talking about the Japanese language, about Japan, about things Japanese. But, since I came here that I have been "learning" so much, and I'm not refering to the japanese language itself, but also about my self.
It breaks my heart thinking about this at times, but I ought to write this somewhere, this will be an interesting read in some years, as I have mentioned in previous posts.
So basically, yet today (and yesterday on the portuguese song post) I reached another conclusion(s).
awareness of myself and others ⇒ see and feel the world in a whole different way.
With this I mean, today I realized that the fact that a friend of mine moved is making me a bit lonely lately. This is good, because I'm having, and realizing for the first time these feelings. I remember when I was in the end of my first year of university and was asked if, I didn't feel lonely since I was living alone. I recall answering no, or not that much.
From my second year on I would spend my time after school with friends. And kind of got used to it.
Now I'm in Japan. And if I did not realize that in the beginning, I realize now that I'm living the same lifestyle I did in Portugal. Just without the friends. And without the cafes and library (university's library makes my head feel really heavy).
Before university (in Portugal) I was an high school student. Had classes all day (except in the 12th grade, only in the morning) and basically after school, during there years I would go home (because it was late) or go to the local mall with my friends once in a while. or we would gather to play Tekken or PES.
Doing hobbies, without the sense of previous accomplishment (such as joy of being with friends, or training, or having been able to suceed at some task, etc) has no meaning. Seriously, you feel nothing from doing it if you haven't had a "productive" time before.
I'm also realizing that, despite don't liking being in places with a lot of people (get really, really tired) that I enjoy considerably being with my friends. Something I was not, again, "aware" before. Not just friends, with people, people that teach me, the same faces from the supermarket, from the stores I usually go, from the other japanese classes.
In Japan, people are busy, really busy. When I arranged to go to a cafe with friends we had to schedule it minutely. I think that this fact discouraged me from going to cafes more often.
That and prices. To get to a cafe, pay for the cafe and coming back can easily, very easily reach or even surpass 二千円. Whilst in Portugal, I would walk and spend at tops 1.50€. Of course, if I had a secure income and money to spend I would do it more often because its one of the things I enjoy doing, its part of who I am, part of my culture. If I were to work full time here in Japan I think this would no longer be a problem, if we consider the purchasing power parity between both countries.
This is something I admire in the japanese people, they are always busy. Unlike me, portuguese, who have a lot of free time. But then again, in portugal there's no バイト culture, nor サークル culture, not 就活 culture. So youngsters who are studying have a lot of free time when they have no classes, time which is spent with family, friends, studying, hobbies, etc.
I came to Japan, inicially with the intention of staying just one year, but now that I'm considering staying here for more time (if possible) I intend of having a more "japanese" lifestyle, like getting a バイト.
With all the "changes" or "awareness" that I'm gaining more confidence in myself, my japanese is also better, and that fact, the fact that I'm able to do enjoyable things in japanese (such as reading) that not only enable me to spend a confortable time, but also to learn. The more I learn, the more confident I get. Learning is not only done from books but also from all kinds of entertainment.
Japanese people are also very curious, and show interest in all kinds of subjects that might arise. This is something, probably the thing that has made the biggest impact in me, japanese people are eager to learn, to know more. Chinese people too (or at least those I know), this is something so big, that had so much impact in me (and the japanese people I knew before coming here were like this too and have influenced me in that sense too) that it already made this year worth.
Lately, really lately, I have been realizing the borders of my unconscious standards. New ideas, new standards mixed with the ones I already previously owned. It's like getting what's good from one and adding it to what was good from the other, or replacing to make the whole way of thin better. And this, not only from living with other cultures, but also from the classes in which we share and discuss on several subjects, and having people from different countries there's always new ways to consider the "problems" listed. For example, we now have a debate class, and just listening my classmates opinions make me feel a little richer.
I have been jumping from paragraph to paragraph adding stuff, so if you think the post is not very concise and organized don't take it the wrong way. I'm discovering so much, and I'm eager to write it all but end up forgetting lots of things.
It breaks my heart thinking about this at times, but I ought to write this somewhere, this will be an interesting read in some years, as I have mentioned in previous posts.
So basically, yet today (and yesterday on the portuguese song post) I reached another conclusion(s).
awareness of myself and others ⇒ see and feel the world in a whole different way.
With this I mean, today I realized that the fact that a friend of mine moved is making me a bit lonely lately. This is good, because I'm having, and realizing for the first time these feelings. I remember when I was in the end of my first year of university and was asked if, I didn't feel lonely since I was living alone. I recall answering no, or not that much.
From my second year on I would spend my time after school with friends. And kind of got used to it.
Now I'm in Japan. And if I did not realize that in the beginning, I realize now that I'm living the same lifestyle I did in Portugal. Just without the friends. And without the cafes and library (university's library makes my head feel really heavy).
Before university (in Portugal) I was an high school student. Had classes all day (except in the 12th grade, only in the morning) and basically after school, during there years I would go home (because it was late) or go to the local mall with my friends once in a while. or we would gather to play Tekken or PES.
Doing hobbies, without the sense of previous accomplishment (such as joy of being with friends, or training, or having been able to suceed at some task, etc) has no meaning. Seriously, you feel nothing from doing it if you haven't had a "productive" time before.
I'm also realizing that, despite don't liking being in places with a lot of people (get really, really tired) that I enjoy considerably being with my friends. Something I was not, again, "aware" before. Not just friends, with people, people that teach me, the same faces from the supermarket, from the stores I usually go, from the other japanese classes.
In Japan, people are busy, really busy. When I arranged to go to a cafe with friends we had to schedule it minutely. I think that this fact discouraged me from going to cafes more often.
That and prices. To get to a cafe, pay for the cafe and coming back can easily, very easily reach or even surpass 二千円. Whilst in Portugal, I would walk and spend at tops 1.50€. Of course, if I had a secure income and money to spend I would do it more often because its one of the things I enjoy doing, its part of who I am, part of my culture. If I were to work full time here in Japan I think this would no longer be a problem, if we consider the purchasing power parity between both countries.
This is something I admire in the japanese people, they are always busy. Unlike me, portuguese, who have a lot of free time. But then again, in portugal there's no バイト culture, nor サークル culture, not 就活 culture. So youngsters who are studying have a lot of free time when they have no classes, time which is spent with family, friends, studying, hobbies, etc.
I came to Japan, inicially with the intention of staying just one year, but now that I'm considering staying here for more time (if possible) I intend of having a more "japanese" lifestyle, like getting a バイト.
With all the "changes" or "awareness" that I'm gaining more confidence in myself, my japanese is also better, and that fact, the fact that I'm able to do enjoyable things in japanese (such as reading) that not only enable me to spend a confortable time, but also to learn. The more I learn, the more confident I get. Learning is not only done from books but also from all kinds of entertainment.
Japanese people are also very curious, and show interest in all kinds of subjects that might arise. This is something, probably the thing that has made the biggest impact in me, japanese people are eager to learn, to know more. Chinese people too (or at least those I know), this is something so big, that had so much impact in me (and the japanese people I knew before coming here were like this too and have influenced me in that sense too) that it already made this year worth.
Lately, really lately, I have been realizing the borders of my unconscious standards. New ideas, new standards mixed with the ones I already previously owned. It's like getting what's good from one and adding it to what was good from the other, or replacing to make the whole way of thin better. And this, not only from living with other cultures, but also from the classes in which we share and discuss on several subjects, and having people from different countries there's always new ways to consider the "problems" listed. For example, we now have a debate class, and just listening my classmates opinions make me feel a little richer.
I have been jumping from paragraph to paragraph adding stuff, so if you think the post is not very concise and organized don't take it the wrong way. I'm discovering so much, and I'm eager to write it all but end up forgetting lots of things.
2013年4月16日
Uma casa portuguesa
Listened to some "traditional" portuguese music (FADO), and as it happens, it is very catchy and meaningful (though I'm not able to relate to the home warmness thing). I am now able to understand and recognize some aspects of my culture, behavior and lifestyle.
portuguese lyrics and english translation
http://lyricstranslate.com/en/uma-casa-portuguesa-portuguese-house.html
here it is, please enjoy.
Uma casa Portuguesa (A Portuguese home)
portuguese lyrics and english translation
http://lyricstranslate.com/en/uma-casa-portuguesa-portuguese-house.html
here it is, please enjoy.
Uma casa Portuguesa (A Portuguese home)
2013年4月13日
portugueseness
Woke up with an earthquake so I'm considerably sensitive today, as it was my first earthquake ever. I though it was someone waking me up. Later, I also considered the north korea hypothesis.
Yesterday we were talking about on on the new 読解 classes we were going to read 俳句, so I decided to make my own in advance. Here it is:
この鼓動
漲る心
君のこと
Now, going onto other subject.
As I recognize my feeling I also get to know how I behave in certain situations. Something I have never dealt with before. This is good. This is good because I can control the environment and make it favorable to what I'm feeling at the moment.
I've been discovering how, or better, why, portuguese people are know to be easy going, and why we enjoy coffee so much. And why we are known for being very friendly. When I'm at my best, as in happy, I can be so friendly that I even surprised myself this week. At those times I'm always ニコニコ'ing. "Oh I'm actually like this.", and it's true because I remember being like this in previous times.
Other than that, I've been discovering, how I, not as a portuguese but as a citizen of the world, enjoy doing, dislike doing. As it happens, in portugal I am considerably out going among my friends. Here in Japan not so much. And lately, I don't feel like going out much. For several reasons.
Money. Japan is expensive. If I continue here for a master's degree I will have to spend a lot of money, I doubt I have. One of the things I like doing the most, going to the cafe with friends and just talk, play games, study, I can't do here because of the prices.
Cultures around me are different. We think differently and have most of all, have different ways of doing humor. Noticed that when I speak with my portuguese friends we either have very serious/deep conversations or very humorous ones. Since I know I'm not going to have fun, I'd rather stay at home doing something I know (now that I can understand feelings and emotions, not fully yet, far from it) that I know will make me laugh, for example.
I get really, really tired when I go out, for whatever it is. This does not happen in Portugal. In Portugal I spend the day out of my house and get home good as new. I don't know why but here, I get really, really tired just from, for example, going to pay my house rent. This is something I've been noticing recently.
Another thing that is worrying me, is that I need to decide my research theme. Not only that I need to read books on the chosen subject to make it official so that some teacher with related interests and subjects will accept me. Thing is I have so many things I want to do research on as a master's degree I can't decide. And not only that, since I don't have that much money I can only chose a masters that has the possibility to start in September (otherwise would have to pay by myself another half year of living here). And then there's the pressure of having to study, in japanese, that makes me tired, despite not being that hard, after a while I burn out. I've been reading a lot lately, and when I feel I want to do something else, I can't because my brain and eyes can't take it. And of course, time pressure, I need to choose ASAP.
I want to speak portuguese above all, every time someone calls me or I call someone I end up lol'ing.. It's such a relief when I talk to friends on the phone. Again, we have the time difference problem. When I can, at night, they are in classes. And not all my friends have the possibility of talking with me over the phone.
Yesterday we were talking about on on the new 読解 classes we were going to read 俳句, so I decided to make my own in advance. Here it is:
この鼓動
漲る心
君のこと
Now, going onto other subject.
As I recognize my feeling I also get to know how I behave in certain situations. Something I have never dealt with before. This is good. This is good because I can control the environment and make it favorable to what I'm feeling at the moment.
I've been discovering how, or better, why, portuguese people are know to be easy going, and why we enjoy coffee so much. And why we are known for being very friendly. When I'm at my best, as in happy, I can be so friendly that I even surprised myself this week. At those times I'm always ニコニコ'ing. "Oh I'm actually like this.", and it's true because I remember being like this in previous times.
Other than that, I've been discovering, how I, not as a portuguese but as a citizen of the world, enjoy doing, dislike doing. As it happens, in portugal I am considerably out going among my friends. Here in Japan not so much. And lately, I don't feel like going out much. For several reasons.
Money. Japan is expensive. If I continue here for a master's degree I will have to spend a lot of money, I doubt I have. One of the things I like doing the most, going to the cafe with friends and just talk, play games, study, I can't do here because of the prices.
Cultures around me are different. We think differently and have most of all, have different ways of doing humor. Noticed that when I speak with my portuguese friends we either have very serious/deep conversations or very humorous ones. Since I know I'm not going to have fun, I'd rather stay at home doing something I know (now that I can understand feelings and emotions, not fully yet, far from it) that I know will make me laugh, for example.
I get really, really tired when I go out, for whatever it is. This does not happen in Portugal. In Portugal I spend the day out of my house and get home good as new. I don't know why but here, I get really, really tired just from, for example, going to pay my house rent. This is something I've been noticing recently.
Another thing that is worrying me, is that I need to decide my research theme. Not only that I need to read books on the chosen subject to make it official so that some teacher with related interests and subjects will accept me. Thing is I have so many things I want to do research on as a master's degree I can't decide. And not only that, since I don't have that much money I can only chose a masters that has the possibility to start in September (otherwise would have to pay by myself another half year of living here). And then there's the pressure of having to study, in japanese, that makes me tired, despite not being that hard, after a while I burn out. I've been reading a lot lately, and when I feel I want to do something else, I can't because my brain and eyes can't take it. And of course, time pressure, I need to choose ASAP.
I want to speak portuguese above all, every time someone calls me or I call someone I end up lol'ing.. It's such a relief when I talk to friends on the phone. Again, we have the time difference problem. When I can, at night, they are in classes. And not all my friends have the possibility of talking with me over the phone.
2013年4月8日
本、ってか、メディア、また楽しくなった
Yesterday I finished reading 夏目漱石's 「こころ」. It was probably one of the deepest and beautifulest things (and books) I've ever read. Not only I could relate to a lot of things, and thanks to this book I could understand better my own こころ because of the carefully depicted descriptions of the こころ, or mind/heart/spirit of the characters involved.
I'm still reading "Orwell's "1984". (2/3 chapters a week. “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” ⇒ "Some kinds of failure are better than other kinds" yeah, same writer alright. this kind of political fiction satirical books are quite interesting, will want to read more...)
Still reading 「グローバリゼーションとは何か」 but will finish soon. And it's proving to be a quite interesting and complex subject. I actually feel I'm studying by reading this, but studying in a way that does not feel like study, because I'm enjoying it.
Also have 「ＩＴ文明論」 to read.
And will also start reading more japanese fiction, will finish reading 吉本バナナ's 「キッチン」 and will then move to 太宰治's 「人間失格」.
Here's my 読書メーター account: http://i.bookmeter.com/u/254675
After this will probably change the reading genre for only one or two books. Because I have other 漱石's books I want to read. soon.
Besides books, I've also, FINALLY been able to enjoy other media. I actually don't know why this change happened, why I couldn't focus in neither (games, books, tv, etc), but now it's like I'm back to the time where actually enjoyed playing videogames.
I think I stopped enjoying them because ever since I started learning Japanese that I said to myself that I would only do X (media) if it were in Japanese. Since mastering Japanese to the level where I can enjoy media fully takes some time, I was hobbieless for quite some time. All because I was stubborn to the point of not letting myself do other things unless done in Japanese.
But anyway, I have finally reached that level. The level that allows me to enjoy whatever it is , in Japanese, without much difficulties. One thing though, I can actually read Japanese for quite some time now, but only lately I could start focusing and understand what's written. Not sure why.
Back to pokemon for instance! It's interesting/funny to see the mood swings while I'm playing. And the micro expressions associated with the momentum's feelings. Something I've always done, always felt, but never acknowledged as being emotions.
I'm playing Pokemon SoulSilver, a remake from GameBoy's Pokemon Silver version. It's good to be back to Johto again.
Also, as I have already mentioned on my twitter account, I'm following "The Big Bang Theory", a comedy TV series, that I particularly enjoy watching while I'm having dinner.
And classes start tomorrow. I miss having classes.
As for classes in Japan, in the future...I intend on staying here for a master's degree alright, I'm just not sure if it is possible, because even with scholarship, I still have to pay a lot of money in order to pay the entrance fee, classes fees, several associations (...) entry's fee, etc.
To take a master's degree here is the only way to extend my stay here until I'm 100% comfortable. Because once I come back to Portugal, it's going to be hard to come back here. And that's what scares me the most.
I'm still reading "Orwell's "1984". (2/3 chapters a week. “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” ⇒ "Some kinds of failure are better than other kinds" yeah, same writer alright. this kind of political fiction satirical books are quite interesting, will want to read more...)
Still reading 「グローバリゼーションとは何か」 but will finish soon. And it's proving to be a quite interesting and complex subject. I actually feel I'm studying by reading this, but studying in a way that does not feel like study, because I'm enjoying it.
Also have 「ＩＴ文明論」 to read.
And will also start reading more japanese fiction, will finish reading 吉本バナナ's 「キッチン」 and will then move to 太宰治's 「人間失格」.
Here's my 読書メーター account: http://i.bookmeter.com/u/254675
After this will probably change the reading genre for only one or two books. Because I have other 漱石's books I want to read. soon.
Besides books, I've also, FINALLY been able to enjoy other media. I actually don't know why this change happened, why I couldn't focus in neither (games, books, tv, etc), but now it's like I'm back to the time where actually enjoyed playing videogames.
I think I stopped enjoying them because ever since I started learning Japanese that I said to myself that I would only do X (media) if it were in Japanese. Since mastering Japanese to the level where I can enjoy media fully takes some time, I was hobbieless for quite some time. All because I was stubborn to the point of not letting myself do other things unless done in Japanese.
Back to pokemon for instance! It's interesting/funny to see the mood swings while I'm playing. And the micro expressions associated with the momentum's feelings. Something I've always done, always felt, but never acknowledged as being emotions.
I'm playing Pokemon SoulSilver, a remake from GameBoy's Pokemon Silver version. It's good to be back to Johto again.
Also, as I have already mentioned on my twitter account, I'm following "The Big Bang Theory", a comedy TV series, that I particularly enjoy watching while I'm having dinner.
And classes start tomorrow. I miss having classes.
As for classes in Japan, in the future...I intend on staying here for a master's degree alright, I'm just not sure if it is possible, because even with scholarship, I still have to pay a lot of money in order to pay the entrance fee, classes fees, several associations (...) entry's fee, etc.
To take a master's degree here is the only way to extend my stay here until I'm 100% comfortable. Because once I come back to Portugal, it's going to be hard to come back here. And that's what scares me the most.
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