So...puberty, ...at 22.

I always thought something was wrong with me. I showed no interest in regular "kids" activities. I liked videogames very much, until all my friends started "adolescence" and I had no more friends to play.

My theory is that, with all that happened to me, lol (someone should make a movie about me lol), me hiding myself and not being able to mature at a regular age plus my friends going through puberty has made me lose the interest in many things I liked. Because my friends started having other interests, such as dating, and doing more teenage stuff, such as parties, going to watch movies, shopping etc etc and because I couldn't go through that phase because I was subconsciously hiding myself and hindering my brain connections, I feel like I'm going through puberty now.

Not only I go through several very different moods and disposition a day, as now I, more than ever, want to try new things. There's a big influence of media, that manages to make me confident in a bright future because I want to have the life of the people I see.

It's like ever since I started my masters degree that this process is slowly beginning, ups and downs, and now, that I have come out of the closet things are happening faster. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Good thing is, I'm learning the hows and whats, I still can't handle myself as I wanted. There are times when I feel overly confident but a good person, and there are times when I feel overconfident but arrogant (when I'm alone outside my home and it depends on clothes). And I don't like that. And I don't know why that happens. Of course there the external influences too. Then there's the influence of food (and I never though up until now how food could have this much effect on my mood. And on physical strength!). Yesterday I ate chicken at school, the first time I ate meat in several weeks and it felt not only super delicious (I seriously felt like crying lol, it had mayo and it was so fucking delicious compared to tofu) like I felt that despite being the worst day of the week in which I only arrive home at 8PM that I was not tired. I actually don't know if it had any influence, also because I was very happy during the morning. And being happy makes you last longer! I have been realizing that and I try to make things in a way that I can add more happiness to whatever I'm doing. So I'm not sure if the chicken I ate had any influence or if it was just my general happiness.

I went a bit off topic, but yeah. I think that psychologically I'm entering the puberty phase now. Physically it's long gone, but mentally it's starting now. I now want to feel at my best all the time. I want to give a good impression of myself. I want to show other people I'm valuable. I now genuinely have the need to date someone.This is so weird. I never thought I would ever say this.

However.

I think this is going to be a particularly different puberty stage, at least comparing with my friends'.

I am in Japan. I am 22. I am a bisexual with no interest on emotional relationships with men, thus making me a lesbian (I don't want relationships without the emotional part). My friends are portuguese and are obviously in Portugal. And by friends I mean people I can share safely emotional problems and go here and there and laugh without having to restrain myself, and watching tv together and comment the tv show together, and play videogames together. People with the same interests basically. I feel that all the people I know here have no hobbies. And then I ask some people if they work and they say they don't, so I ask myself, "what the fuck does he/she do during all day besides classes?".

What sucks here is that I have no opportunity to be myself at full power. At least for now. When I'm in Portugal everything is cheaper. More importantly I don't have to buy groceries (parents do), I don't have to pay this and that (parents do). I have no opportunity to think about life more deeply like I have here, because in Portugal, I'm surrounded by people 24/7. And my boy friends like to discuss politics and history, I find that boring. My girl friends like to discuss TV shows and just emotional problems, something I'm more into. But here I don't have the opportunity to discuss whatever because the media we watch is different, there's no privacy and they don't really express their opinions (it makes me wonder if they have any opinion whatsoever).

When we talk about dreams and stuff at school, I always say I want to have a lot of money. Well, don't get me wrong. I want money because money brings happiness. With money you can buy tasty and healthy food. With money you can buy clothes. With money you can help people (or animals, in my case, like feeding stray dogs - in Portugal, in Japan I only see stray cats, I would love to have the liberty to feed stray cats here). With money you can go out more times. With money you can invite friends and have dinners at your home. With money you can indulge yourself more often. Without money you're just...limited. Maybe I don't even have the need to make a lot of money. But I'm still not in the job market, I'm a student, so why not aim HIGH?

If people are satisfied with whatever they already, money, knowledge, whatever, they won't develop. Well, with money, as long as you have a job you like and a good salary that's okay. With knowledge...that's not okay. The more I read, the more I feel confident, the more I like myself for the new discoveries (that not only make me smarter, as they give me more arguments in a conversation increasing my changes of "making my point"), the more anxious I feel for the moment of doing the reading knowing that all of this will happen, it's an endless cycle. The more you read, the more you know, the more you know, more opportunities appear, new opportunities/possibilities appear, the more happier you are, the more happier you are, the more happier you want to be, the more you read. And by writing this it might sound like I'm always reading. Well, I'm not. I read 1 or 2 hours a day for books and probably 30m to 1 hour on social media (articles).

So puberty is known the phase of stupidity. And I'm definitely feeling like a kid again, actually for the first time since 5th grade lol. This kind of sucks because I sometimes feel like I need some parental protection/affection. This might seem kind of weird, but I always felt some teachers as some kind of mother figure, which indeed is weird and makes me feel pity and very ashamed for myself for wanting/needing and lacking that. During all these years hidden that I never really had any real connection with my parents because I didn't want them to feel pity for me, subconsciously. And for other reasons too.

So I was told too that this was the an exciting phase of life. I certainly understand that. Not necessarily time, but everything feels fast and intense. I wonder how long this will last. If it ever finishes.

See ya.