No longer in a psychological cage ☯

By Dachis, who, coincidence or not, has always been my favorite LifeHacker writer.

Six Things I Wish I Knew Before Coming Out

I read this article and many things started making sense. My late recent mental development. I never thought that sexuality could have such an effect on life. I literally lived 10 unhappy years. Without knowing feelings.

But I was in "auto" mode. The fears I had and that I accepted as a kid blocked my mental development.

Now that I think about it, since I was a kid, I felt a click on my brain, something was not "normal". But since it was not "normal" I would ignore it and just try to follow "the rules". I had the possibility in my head, but it was just so not "normal" that I wouldn't even consider it. 
Despite being 10 years old (in my 5th grade) the first time I remember being attracted to someone, well, I was 10, I didn't know what that feeling was. It was in kindergarden, but I'k'm not sure if that should count (you know, puppy love).
I guess it was weird for me to think about it. Because it was not "normal", so I never really paid attention. Or I didn't want to pay attention. I am "normal". If I am "normal" and this is not "normal", then why? Kind of in an unconscious way.

I indeed started fearing the possibility. To the extent that I tried to suppress whatever feeling I had. I stopped thinking. I didn't want to think about it. I had to fit in. I couldn't be even more different than I already was. I was shy, and I was a little anti-social to those who were not my friends. Those who could be potential psychological attackers.

So my brain kind of stopped in time. And everything I lived, that I didn't wanted to admit, became lost memories (all coming back now)
It's amazing how the body works. I was so young, and yet my body was protecting me. It was automatic I think.

All this unconscious hiding at such a young age (I guess the age I should have mentally matured, as opposed to being in that process now) prepared my body for the next years. This unconscious hiding blocked my brain. I remember having troubles at school. I consciously felt that my brain couldn't handle many things. Like learning, understanding. Something was not right. 

Despite feeling some sort of fascination and intimidation, never thought about it, so that "fascination" and "intimidation" kind of like didn't exist. The possibility of feeling attracted by the same sex was so impossible that this kind of reactions become nonexistent, transparent, feelingless. But now that I think about it I didn't want to look bad so I would avoid doing x in front of x people so that they would not have a bad impression of me. All unconscious human nature.

So, purposely blocking my feelings had many consequences in my growth. I now feel that if this had happened earlier I would be so much more developed than I am now. If I had just stopped caring about what other people think about me. 

That is, until I came to Japan. I came and had really strong feelings for someone. Problem is, despite feeling it, I did not know what it was. I remember "feeling" and thinking to myself something like "what the hell is this?", "I felt this before", "This is what I felt with x person some time ago" (but also didn't understand back then), "It feels so warm, so sweet.", "What is this?!". I thought and I thought. But I couldn't understand. But the person would insist. And the feeling would persist.

However, that possibility was long gone, that's was I never understood what was going on. I wouldn't even consider. When I was a kid, I probably thought to myself that if "that was the case" then it would be hard to find a life partner, so as a means of protection I blocked feelings so that I wouldn't suffer from love disappointments. Because as a kid I was like that I thought no one would ever like me if I were that way. So I had to be "normal", and the possibility of having someone interested in me was not even a possibility, I wouldn't even consider it. Not as a kid, not when that happened here in Japan.

But truth is, being hidden (and not knowing why I was hiding, because this was all done in a kind of unconscious way - I was 10!) all these years only made me unhappy. I was a failure. I was a failure and couldn't even find the cause for being a failure. Kind of like math. I blocked those unwanted disappointment feelings and all other feelings too started gradually not being felt. So not admitting, or not wanting to admit who I really was at a young age was very unhealthy, it stopped my intellectual growth. It's like my heart was caged and now the animal, the human that I truly am is free.
 And I don't feel bad for it. I feel good. Better than ever. I like myself now. I am smart. I am sophisticated. I am beautiful (I think I am). I think I now know how "sexy" actually feels like, and it is so weird for me to be saying this! I'm finally getting to know what happiness is. Not for the first time, but for the first time in a long, long time.

There's some people that have showing me that it is not wrong to be who you are. Jillian Michaels and Lady Gaga. Actually, admitting is not hard. The hard part is hiding it from everyone and faking who you are, despite being unconsciously done.

Being who I truly am does not make me less of a person considered "normal", it does not make me less worthy, it does not make me a threat, it does not make me "not normal". It just makes me, me. I am exactly the same person I was, with the difference that finally accepting myself is allowing me to become smarter, and better overall.
The interesting thing about this is that I was unaware the whole time. I had no idea I was who I am.

I wrote this post because I want closure. I can officially be me because I finally understand.