Romance was in the air

Well, indeed. Writing things out does help relieving. I prefer writing it here, and pretend no one knows it, no one but my micro audience. Rather than tell it to someone in person and know for sure he/she is going to tell to other people which in turn will tell other people and so on.

I was planning on writing good stuff, but I feel I need to let out all that's bursting in my head. There's not much left, I hope.

Because culture is different, and I am and have always been aware of it, I always let other people do stuff first or let them chose what they want. And just shut up and accept it. Even if I don't want to. Now it's probably a little different. I'm myself again and I have little or no patience for people who injured me in any way.

So, I'm going to talk to you about an individual. In order to protect that person's privacy I will not even tell the nationality. Let's just say it's asian.

I should mention that all that we've gone through was during a time when I could not recognize my feelings. Now I can and can also feel what other people (more like my neighbor, when the person arrives home somehow my body can feel the person's mood, I myself can't really explain it, this is all new to me. I'm in my bedroom - meaning I can't see the person - and my body just kind of senses that person's mood, it feels something, some kind of energy. And I feel my heart changing its beat, I think I start feeling that person's heart) feel.

So I'm not really sure why the person got the sudden interest in me. Was it me, unconsciously, feeling something for the person? Was the person that felt something for me? I don't know.

Thing is when we were together, I definitely felt good. And felt empty and disappointed when the person would not come to school. And when the person would come I'd be happy. When in the same room I would kind of feel safe, warm. The person would sit in my back in some classes and I don't freaking now why or how (I'm guessing they can control their respiration thus affecting people's hearts in harmony with them), but I would get sleepy. Very sleepy.

I still don't know what happened for sure between us.

I'm also not sure, and I'm probably guilty on this for now knowing my feelings and not behaving according to my feelings. I was only behaving according to my brain. Because I could not feel what I was feeling, I wouldn't understand what the other person was feeling. And I'm guessing that the person was highly offended by it. I wish I could feel guilty for this, but not only I'm not sure, as I had no way of understanding, because I couldn't feel.

Funny, that now that I write about it, I acknowledging the feelings I felt but never thought about it in that time. Never realized I was feeling something.

In the beginning I would probably pass by sign the person made for me to see and would ignore them. Not ignore actually. I wouldn't notice them. Or I wouldn't even think those were signs meaning something. Because were I come from we don't really use that kind of communication.

 Branding literature. Interesting right?

Signs like seing things in groups of two. Chopsticks, food etc. I might be overthinking here, but that happened several times and in determined moments, hence making me suspicious. Leave x in x place. Suggest something in an answer in a class to make you think about it. Internet stalk etc. If the person likes you, you actually don't mind and like the feeling of being important to someone.

The problem is when you start beginning to understand whats going on, you see the person with other people on purpose. To make you jealous. And it took almost the whole year for me to start understanding. Actually, it wasn't until in one class the person looked at me in the eyes and said "Lover" when answering to something during the class.

I don't work with uncertainties. It is or it isn't, there's nothing in the middle. If I am not sure of something then nothing is going on. Specially because did not really exchange physical contact. Nor words. It was all really blurry. And very "foreign" to my eyes. I really was not understanding what was going on. I still can't.

Because all the time prior to that was just nothing official, nothing was going on. Until the moment it becomes kind of official, then it is a whole other story. Again, I might be over-thinking. But this is the only way this whole thing makes sense to me.

And the person also did many things I felt offended by. And that deserves no forgiveness. Lying. Betraying.

What matters is, I studied more that person's culture, to understand how love and relationships worked there but so far, I have no success in understanding because the way the person behaves is different from all I read. I read books, I read online articles, I asked other people for opinions. Hell, just today I just started reading a book on human sexual behavior. With this "relationship" in mind too, but also because of my sudden mental development, search for new and different ideas, and of course to change the kind of literature I'm reading because reading always about the same stuff can get boring too.

And this post ended up not being negative at all, as I was expecting. My brain must be blocking the bad happenings. I could probably write some more stuff about us.

I should say that I don't have any interaction with the person anymore.