2013年11月30日

I am whatever you say I am

Writing does, indeed, help relieving some feelings. Throwing it all out. Actually, that is something I usually kept to myself. My feelings. In school, I never shared any emotional problems I might been going through with my friends. I just stood there. Pretending nothing was going on. My friends insisted is making me speak. But I just didn't. As I mentioned previously, I feared pity. And I know that, I'm very sensitive with emotional stuff. I'm the "typical" women, as some might say. But I might be stereotyping. I don't know what the "typical" woman is supposed to be in other countries.

But what is the typical woman?

I'm not going to say what it is, because I don't know. To some cultures it is X to others it might be different. But so far, the japanese woman, the Kyoto japanese women is pretty feminine.
To me, women and men only differ in style of clothing, physical features and not much else. Liking sports does not make you less of a woman. Saying swearwords does not make you less of a woman. Not wearing skirts does not make you less of a woman. Liking videogames does not make you less of a woman.

Limited people however, think it does.

But no. A PURE, TRUE WOMAN should be submissive. Should obey the man. Should obey the parent. Should obey the teacher. Should obey the son. Should wear adequate clothes. Should be polite. Should endure what others say. Should have no opinion.  Should this and that.

This is what I call NO FREEDOM. LIMITED MINDS. Who can't think outside the box. But since they are ignorant and know nothing beyond their own reality they just accept it because they just don't have any other options in their brain. They have never seen for real other realities. They might have seen a few times and judged it very promiscuous. Or aggressive. Or rude. Or whatever.
This of course does not apply to everyone. Only to those who, by reading this if they had the opportunity, would relate and feel embarrassed.

Just the other day, in a dinner with chinese friends, one of them was probably talking bad things about his girlfriend to another, and the girlfriend started crying. LOL! And she stood there. Shut. Crying and trying to hide her face from me. I felt the need to help and protect her somehow but I was powerless because my chinese is not good enough for me to argue with them. And, when some hours later they got back to japanese (that I understand), that subject was already forgotten. So I could attack.

Now I'm going to change the subject a little bit to tell you a story. Still related, however.

There was this time, when I was in the japanese listening class.
In this class, me and my womanhood were immensely offended. When I'm alone, I say swearwords every now and then.
In Portugal it is ok to say them among close friends (obviously you're not going to use them with a stranger or people you're not close with, and you only use them in a few occasions). Even women.

Mentally limited women (as in those educated in rich families, and the "tias" - a kind of 40+ year old bimbo woman who married some rich guy and appears in the magazines for the most ridiculous reasons, who are always making plastic surgeries to look younger) don't say it because they don't want to be compared to "lower" people. They don't want to be associated with normal people. Ridiculous. I know this, because I have such people in my family. Who think themselves as superior just because they are more classy, or because they don't say swearwords, or because all their wear is brand clothes. Thinking that automatically makes them superior. This haughty attitude makes me sick.

Well, I lived with chinese people. And of course, me, being the "alien", from a different, more individualistic culture, was like, well, the "alien". The alien that could be used to this and that, subject of indirect laughter, and that would have every move judged and known by everyone in the fucking room. In the fucking "group".

Despite not having as many clothes as I wanted in Japan, and being an advocate of comfort (jeans and sweat for instance) I feel like I tend to be regarded as very manly woman here in Japan. Wether because of my clothes, or because of my attitude. I understand. Sometimes I kind of feel like one, depends on the clothes I wear, I've been noticing lately. I'd like to buy more, but have no such freedom yet. I was supposed to stay in Japan for just one year, but fortunately I was able to prolong my stay for two years. Meaning I have a limited wardrobe.

Point is, my identity is MY identity and MY problem. MY PRIVACY. I belong to NO ONE. Despite what I might be feeling in the moment, that's just it. A moment. I am a woman. I am proud to be a woman. I am proud to be the woman I am. I am proud to study. I am proud for liking sports. I am proud for having toned arms (not bulky arms, toned arms, not as tone as I wished though). YES. I DO WEIGHT TRAINING. I WANT TONED ARMS TO LOOK BETTER. TO LOOK HEALTHY. TO LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT MYSELF. But I'm just going to start lying to people when they ask me about sports, they are very limited to understand that. Otherwise I will have weird looks and an awkward silence moment following my statements.
Anyway, I AM proud of what I AM, regardless what others might think. If I shock you. Good for you! Reality check! Your homogeneity is not supreme! Glad I taught you something! I opened your mind a little bit. Or just closed it even more. Depends on how limited you are.

But what I really don't like is being laughed at in the middle of the class. In front of the class, obviously they don't say it straight in your face. They say things that you might relate and somehow are able to make themselves understood. Because of what they are saying. Because of what I'm feeling. And because they can feel what I'm feeling. And the very stupid and very limited teacher (from what I noticed during that one year.) joining that. I guess it's their shame culture. Which in itself, it's shameful and very xenophobic.
After having this kind of lovely moments over and over, one obviously becomes less and less interested in people. You know what's going to happen and you don't want to feel it again.

I also love it when you have a moment of happiness, and they feel it, and then just end it, by saying something you will not like.
Or when they assume that you have a lot of free time because of how you use social media.

 1. I have a lot of free time indeed. Because I maximize it. I use my working time in a way to have a lot of free time.
2. Mind your own business. How I spend my time is none of your's..
3. I'm a freaking student, I'm not a full time worker.
4. I use my computer to work, read news, watch tv, listen to music. I use my computer for almost everything digital related. I use social media a lot because I like to be informed. I like to share things that might be useful. Or teach something.
5. Everyone is so "busy" so I really have no one to share this spare time. No one I'm interested in sharing at least.

Or when they assume that you are like them, that know how they work, that the school system is the same. That you understand their non verbal cues. Well we don't. At least at first. And when they find out you don't, they take advantage of that. You become kind of like the "stupid" and rude foreigner. And I must say that I've given up on all this ambiguity (both japanese and chinese). I'm tired of over-thinking. The thing I do the most here is to think. That and reading in social media. To feel a little closed to my way of thinking. And to my friends.
I'm developing such an individualism and pride here that it kind of worries me. I've had a fair share of drama with other people here, I'm kind of tired. And because of that other people are becoming less important. Now I have no other people. It's just me. And I need to be strong in order to bear all this mental baggage. Or so I think.
When people throw hints repeatedly at me, there are so many ways I can interpret it that I never know which is true, which leads to more over-thinking and more suffering. I can't get close to someone here to the point of calling them true friend. I just assume I can't because if I do my privacy will be lost. Can't risk it. I would love to talk about some emotional things with other people but I can't. Because, again, privacy issues. Sure, people might know some things I like, and some personality traits from what I post on social media, but that's not all. That's just superficial. They have never interacted with me in other occasions. Other than the internet. They don't know me.


When you talk about yourself they start thinking that you are the only person that matters in your life. That you don't care about other people. Individualism.
Sometimes I feel like they ask questions just to analyze me, or to take the knowledge I have for them, refusing themselves to share whatever good they have in them, by answering questions in a way they won't tell you anything.
I find myself thinking a lot of times that they are much more individualistic and greedy than us (at least the portuguese).

This is all funny. But when in Portugal a japanese student comes, we have the decency of not leaving him/her alone. We don't want him/her to feel out of the group. We insist on going to the library together. On eating out together. On going to the mall together (to eat, study, whatever).
It's funny. I won't go anyway, but when someone asks me, "you don't really come to the parties/common room that much don't you?"

1. I don't fucking know when the parties are.
2. No, I know no one. I'm not just going to show up there alone. That's embarrassing.
3. Funny. I never went to this, hum, common room for everyone, this place were I live has. Why? No one ever fucking invited me. Again, I'm not just going to show up there, non-invited, making myself important by showing up uninvited. Maybe that's okay in their culture.

Now I'm guessing this is the so called social alienation. Sad thing is, I am so much more social than everyone here might wrongly think I am. And it's hard having to be this way.

And sorry for the bashing lately. I actually like Japan very much. But as I said. Writing is the best way to clear your mind. A lot of things I say might be wrong. Might be over-thinking. But again, I need to put this out so that I can think about new stuff.

The praising days will come too (sooner than one might expect from all this negativity, today's post was supposed to be one, maybe tomorrow). ;)

1 件のコメント:

  1. Very interesting. I can relate with your experiences, but with a different perspective: I'm a man.

    I found a short article entitled "Women in Science: Einstein’s Advice to a Little Girl Who Wants to Be a Scientist" which may give you some insights (via brainpickings): http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/04/09/dear-professor-einstein-girl/

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