fear(less?)

So, I've been avoiding to write for the past 2 weeks.
To be honest, I don't want to write this, but if I don't, things will just continue inside me. I'm just trying to have some feeling of relief or something like that.

I have so much I want to take out, that I don't even know how to start (hey, good practice for research papers...!). Thing is, I think I'm a little frustrated. I miss my portuguese friends. More than ever. I see their posts everyday on facebook. I talk to them on skype. But it's not the same. Hence me writing this. I just miss that mutual understanding one has in its home country.

Me, here, having problems with money (I am extremely savvy, and what is normal in portugal is an extravagance here -like having breakfast, or studying at the cafe, in Portugal they're everywhere, and are really cheap - one of the reasons I thinks Starbucks wouldn't be that much successful, but the product is very different, so I might be wrong, portuguese people absolutely love brands and to look good and hip), food (prices, sizes, non existance, etc), registration of classes, the fucking tuitions, and consequent fear. Fear of failing. Fear of not graduating, fear of not having a fucking job (dad's unemployed for many years, Portugal is in deep economic crisis), fear of feeling weak (hence decreasing motivation, productivity, well being, etc) because I haven't been eating decent food, fear of dealing with things from school.
It all comes down to fear.
I now understand why I have high ambitions. All my life I've been dealing with stepbacks. Been dealing with shit my whole life and I just want to feel comfortable. I'm sick of this feeling of crisis. Sick of it. So when people state that, me or whoever else, can't do something, I get seriously offended (of course, one has to be realistic). My body always knew, unconsciously that. Hence getting lethargic when I see limits. My brain has to go down the stairs again and I completely get lost and don't know what to do.

I have very high standards because I would never allow anything to beat me while I was growing up. Every single phase was hard. Since I was born till probably the next two years. High school was perhaps the best time of my life, and if I were as developed as I am now it could have been so much better (damn you late puberty?).

Wether guys in soccer, wether acquaintance's drinking problems and me having to deal with the person, wether pressure from coming from a classy family and having to read books and have good grades as my cousins without sucess (I never really liked studying, I was always average, except for languages where I was always the best and math, were I was always the worst) wether friends in english class at school,  wether dad's sudden unemployment and related feelings, whether feelings I didn't want to feel and was able to achieve suppressing them (the cause of this late mental puberty perhaps), wether classmates in japanese class in university, whatever!

Not dealing with all these internal wounds, made me grow pretty much very close hearted, because I didn't want pity. So I kept all these things to myself. I wouldn't dare telling my friends. Out of shame, out of disappointment, out of fear of pity, etc. Which in turn, ended up making me feel pity about myself.
So now, after some years of heart and feelings hiatus, now that I'm watching tv again, now that I have hobbies and my standards suddenly appeared (after starting to re-recognize my emotions - it started with what I like and what I don't like TVwise, then during the shows feeling fear, hope, love, etc). I am much stronger, and I'm at my best I usually compare myself to a bull or a lion, or a shark. That's just me. And now that I realize this, now that I know what I want, that I want to feel more like that.

I might seem a little reckless, even disrespectful, on my daily basis, but truth is, that's just the outside. In my country everyone is like that.
And for "respect" I have very high standards. If I now someone failed big at one of my standards of respect I can't deal with that person normally. For example, during presentations, I can't stand seeing teachers talking and laughing to each other while a student is presenting. Regardless of "status", it is so disrespectful for the student that it makes me sick. The same is obviously true for the opposite. And students/students too, of course.

I'm speaking against myself here, because if not in the right mindset I completely suck at presentations and would rather have people distracted with something else other than my presentation (the fear of shame).

If you respect me, aside cultural differences that my body might not be able to control, you have all my respect and all my support. But the moment you disrespect (according to my standards at least) someone, some animal (sorry, can't feel anything for most bugs), the moment you are mentally, verbally, or physically rude to some being you'll have my vehement repudiation. You could say I "naturally" turn the "ruthless agression" mode on.

Is is interesting, because writing this made me realize some things. I should write more goddammit.

I think this is my late psychological puberty's fault. Or I think it is. My head is going through so many changes for the first time in my life, that I can only think that. And I always felt something was not "normal" with me. Until now. And you should see my eyes. My eyes are big now! And I have attitude. Funny thing is, I remember being like this, many, many years ago.

This could be some puberty drama, but truth is,iIt's not that easy to live in a foreign country with no one that fully understands you, people with whom you can act naturally, you can be yourself, comfortable. This is why I'm always so eager to come back "home", or my bedroom, as you wish, because here I can be myself, I might be alone, but I'm not in "danger", or with "what's not mine". If I had someone that completely understands me outside my home I wouldn't be like this, but I don't, so I'm always rushing to go where I feel warm, comfortable.

For starters, the language is very different. Not because I lack the skills (depending on the people I talk to, my japanese level flutuates) but because I can't say in japanese what I would be able to say in portuguese or english. I feel extremely limited in japanese, I might get close to what I want to say but the language itself hits me on my brain and forbids me of saying x.  So for the first time I feel grateful for knowing these three languages.
And I do have Level 4 of the chinese proficiency test (out of 6, being 6 the best) but I do not consider myself an official "chinese speaker" simply because I can't speak it fluently as I wanted. For those who don't know, I'm a chinese studies major (bachelors), continuing my studies in Japan, mastering in intercultural communication, going to do research on marketing on for major markets (to me, not hard to guess), after one year forging my japanese skills.

Have a nice week.