indecisiveness

I've been to China, back to Japan (for one day), now back to Portugal and will be back to Japan next week. And I said I probably wouldn't post anything else before going to Japan but I'm here, writing. Never say never.

I'm again, as I usually am when I make posts in Portugal, sitting at the cafeteria I like the most. There's a group of old ladies at my right, I'm listening to music (案室奈美得恵) and I'm writing this post, because as I was coming back from Braga (had to go there, and will come back tomorrow) I was thinking on what I really want to do in the future. You know, there's actually a bunch of options for me. But I need to choose what will suit my future the most.

I'm now living in Japan, and will probably feel sorry for writing what I'm going to write here. Fortunately, it's so much better to have several option than having no one. I'm going to write those I'm considering today. 

I say this because, I find myself in Japan thinking to myself that I want to live there for a long time, but the time I spent in China, and now back in Portugal, has made me think that I don't want to limit myself. It would be a waste. 

Changes I've been noticing. This is not to brag myself, it's just what I feel I have improved and still have to improve. I've changed so much in the past 5 months, it's kinda unbelievable.

Before (bad traits, as I was unaware, I couldn't define myself)
passive
unaware
ambitious, but afraid/scared
insecure
lack of self esteem
close minded
conservative
intolerant
lack of precision (still a problem, but improved)

After (full me)
assertive
courageous (looking forward too new things and challenges)
ambitious 
loving
aware
get easily irritated
use irony and sarcasm (not in Japan, it doesn't always work and I am a lot more reserved when I speak in japanese)
affectionate 
curious
competitive
confident
creative (not sure though...)
dependable
independent 
loyal
obedient
efficient
empathetic
honest
powerful 
charismatic
tolerant
intense
agressive
tenacious
indecisive 
無視できる

However, I see my friends (mostly those who have no university degree) and they either have precarious jobs, or are jobless and don't study. I feel that the portuguese youngsters, who can't afford to go to university  (or just don't like studying) are really, I don't know, sad? I though I felt that the japanese are this way too, but it's incomparable. Here's much worse. This is why I feel happy for having chosen Japan/China as major area.

and talking of which... going to change the subject now, this time regarding to my future master degree option. Here are the options.

- continue in Japan and take a master degree there (if, there's the possibility o having a scholarship). My problem with Japan is the women's status. Though this is changing. Japanese women are becoming more ambitious. I personally know a few who want to work. On the other hand I also know a few who just want to marry and be housewives. But in anyway, I want to have a job related to Japan. I like some aspects of the japanese culture/people a lot not to work in something related to japanese people. The thing that keeps me away from this option is that I think there's no right course for me in Japan. business would be too hard because of math and culture is just pointless. I want practical skills and not become a sociologist.

- come back to portugal and take a master degree in something either related to business and/or international relations.
 
- take a master degree in chinese studies (just because want to have in my curriculum that I've lived both in Japan and China for at least a year, not particularly interested in the degree, I just want to live there in order to improve the cv, my chinese skills, have more prestige and feel even more empowered and confident. The thing that keeps me from this is that I feel I'm betraying the japanese language and the japanese people I know. And this is a big turndown. And I get afraid every time I think that having studied chinese after japanese will land me more easily a job using chinese instead of japanese. I kinda feel bad for writing a lot more on this option than on the others.

In the long run I'd also like to live temporarily in the US, in order to feel and be able to think and say that I have been educated in the 3 most powerful countries besides my own, though I think it will be considerably hard.

My option will probably depend on how I feel when I'm back to Japan.When I'm there I always feel I want to stay there, but I need to be more rational. Have been to Japan, got my Japanese to a respectful level, finally understood some aspects of the japanese culture. The thing missing is after finishing my studies (regardless of the master degree) is having a job related to japan and working with the people I like the most would be like a dream come true. こうやって、私は、死んでもいいわ。

So let's put this short.

I Want to work with japanese people using japanese language in Portugal/Japan, but also want to go to live in China for some time. The biggest problem is that, once leaving Japan will be really hard to come back (unless I have a job related).

And I continue frustrated, because I've been thinking a lot about this lately and can't decide.

久しぶり、ポルトガル

And I'm back to Portugal. Actually have been here since february 14th.
I 'm writing from my home and I have no inspiration whatsover. I wanted to be writing at some cafe, but I don't have my netbook with me and the laptop I'm using now is far too heavy for me to be carrying it around the city.

But anyway, I'll write something, maybe what I felt, what I did since I arrived here and my plans for the next few days.

China - Japan, Japan - Portugal

As I said, I arrived some days ago, after a 11 hour trip Osaka-Frankfurt + 6 hours waiting in frankfurt + around 3 hours Frankfurt - Oporto.  This was probably one of the most exausting"periods" I've ever lived. Let's see.

Arrived to Japan from China, at around 8 PM, carrying one 荷物 and a backpack, nedless to say that, despite being a 3 hour trip (Beijing - Osaka), I had to leave my friends house at around 9am, to catch the 10am shuttle bus from Tianjin to Beijing. It took around 2.30 hours. Then plus 3 hours waiting until the airplane left to Japan. When I arrived to the 関西国際空港 I caught a shuttle bus to 京都駅 and it took around one hour and a half.

   

 at Beijing Airport

It was raining. A lot. And I had no umbrella. So I went from 稲荷駅 to 龍谷会館 at a very slow pace (I was tired and the baggage was heavy) under the rain.

Arrived to the 龍谷会館 around 10++ (?), put my baggage in my bedroom and went straigh to the shower. After the shower I unpacked and went to put some clothes in the laundry. Then I took a coffee and spoke to a portuguese friend through skype. And then to my japanese 先輩, who's in Germany until 2am, then I went to take the laundry out. I honestly don't know how I was able to do this after the trip, but I suspect that the shower made some kind of miracle.

Despite being this tired I didn't sleep at all. And I was starting to stress out because I had to leave to Portugal in one day time. The next morning I was dead tired. I had little balance, and was kinda shaky and sensitive. But still I spent my day as I usually do. Had to take care of some stuff in the morning so I had no choise other than just do it. I took a 2 hour nap from 10 to 12am, and was a little better in the afternoon. In the same day I went to a Korean 焼肉 restaurant with a chinese friend.

Came back, checked my baggage (two this time) again, did nothing in special and at around ten went to bed but only fell asleep at around 1am, lol. Guess I was anxious and looking forward to come back.

Woke up at five, was in 稲荷駅at six, but the train was only at 6.20, so I stressed out because the shuttle bus I had 予約した was at 6.40. But I arrived 5 minutes earlier, so 大丈夫.

Some more waiting at the airport and finally the plane left. A 11 hour trip to Frankfurt. Without sleeping. Then another plus six hours waiting in Frankfurt, with all my muscles sore and tired, very tired. In my last hour in Frankfurt, I met a guy I met at the chinese new year lunch at my university last year. He was there to go to a job interview, and he stopped studying chinese. He also mentioned he was going to learn german at the company if he got hired. I also met an acquantaince who happens to be from my hometown too, so it was an interesting and not to boring hour, just before entering the airplane.

It was weird to be sorrounded by portuguese people. Even before entering the airplane, when I was waiting and there were only a few people waiting too, I noticed a man, with a suggestive moustache, and I thought to myself "he has to be portuguese", and indeed he was. I heard him talk to the phone.

This was probably the best moment in this long, long day, because I fell asleep for some minutes in the airplane.

When I landed, I had to be waiting for my baggage for around 15 minutes, and was starting to get impatient. After having them back, finally went to my house.

I felt the effect of the jetlag up until some 3, 4 days ago. I was going to bed everyday at around 9 and waking up at 3am. And this is boring, because cafes only open at 7/8...so I had to wait a lot.

Since than that I've been meeting some friends, either from the university and hometown. It was good. Some moments were very funny, some moments were boring.

drinking latte (galão)/caffe with friends (地元) at night, what a joy!

I'm not sure if it's because I'm different and am less tolerant for things that annoy me (as weird as it might sound, I say this because I lose my nerve faster, since I came to Japan. And can be quite assertive and even agressive if necessary. But anyway, again, got disappointed at a few people. I guess some people just don't...合う. But I admit, being again with my two best friends from university was very, very good.

 But if I had to choose the best day I spent here, until now it was definitely past Friday. I think I don't need words to express how much I enjoyed this day.

 Now I have plan to go back to Braga a few days, going to have a dinner with some high school friends, and intend on metting some other friends, and also spend time with two close cousins, though I'm not sure I'm going to be able to.

Being back to Portugal made me think that I indeed enjoy life here, more than I do in Japan, or so I think now. Actually, I think I changed a bit since I left Japan to China and now Portugal. Some things have become clearer and that will probably make me able to improve the relations I have there and that I'm still to have.

Another thing that's worrying me, is that I still am not sure on what I want to do in the future. Fortunately, it's not due to the lack of options, but due to the excess of 'em. I don't mind studying until the age of 25 (just the masters takes 2 years and I'd like to spend some time in other country too, most likely China before starting to work too...), so I'm kinda lost here, but I just need to make an option.

中国，再见！

Goodbye China, I had a blast.
I definitely want to come back someday. I'll continue my study of the chinese language but a bit more seriously and focused. It's be awesome if I could work for a japanese company dealing with both chinese, portuguese and english speaking partners!

  天津テレビ塔

 

天津テレビ塔からの景色

The japanese bar we went a few times

china, more impressions

Coming back to Japan tomorrow. I went to 北京　and I'm in 天津 since the february 5th. I've been enjoying this a lot, but I probably would be enjoying it even more if I were more independent. I depend on my friends to go here and there and that kind of makes me feel bad. It was so good to see my friends back, I had some unexpected surprises and disappointments. When it comes to the disappointments, I'm not sure if it's me that has changed or the 向こう.

But anyway, China is great in a lot of ways. Food is great, commodity prices are great, people I know are great - not necessarily chinese in china, because I haven't really socialized with chinese in here, but overall, the chinese that approach us in english are very pleasant.

On the other hand, chinese toilets are degrading. and so is the smog&pollution and the attitude of some 服务员. And I also don't really like the way the chinese lie. They lie for everything. I'm not going to give examples, but this was a bit surprising. Lying around here it's kind of cultural. I know chinese from several parts of china, and I'm not sure if that differs from place to place but anyway, how are you supposed to trust a person if you are positive that that person lies frequently? Actually, I think this is one of the main problems of my relationships (friendship) with chinese.

The experience I've had with the japanese is that after just a while they seem to trust you and you have no problems connecting. But this is just me talking, and I don't have that many japanese and chinese to whom I can call friends.

A thing I noticed in my portuguese friends is that, when it comes to money they have all become quite somitic. I understand, and I myself have been using the money I left on the side during my university years to come here, but despite that, It's like I sometimes feel disrespected for that same reason.

This is probably going to sound natural, since I'm aware that I myself have changed considerably since I came to Japan, but, I get considerably irritated with the attitudes of some people more close to me to the point that I don't want to be near the persons involved. I don't know if this was the first time they acted like that or if I just didn't realized this when I was in Portugal.

And to some extent, I can't explain how, but the asian influence I'm exposed to in Japan has probably changes my way of thinking that I feel sometimes this kind of shock when exchanging opinions. I don't really know how to explain neither the occasion nor the "shock", but I felt this a few times.

I hope to come here and study chinese some time, not for now, for now, I'm still not sure on what I want to do but most likely I want to stay in Japan (if getting a scholarship happens to be possible). If not, I don't know.

I've come out of my now confort zone, Japan, and came to china, and I could say that I'm also in a confort zone since I have my friends with me. And this is the reason why I think they haven't changed that much. My portuguese friends get along mostly with the portuguese community here, ie, themselves. They have chinese and other foreigners as acquaintances but not as that kind of person you like, you want to be and spend time with, you want to share your feelings with (opinions are ok), a friend. I think I understand the chinese better than my friends who are studying here.

Coming back to Japan tomorrow, will have time to pack everything up again, and will leave to Portugal early in the morning of the 14th. The next few days are going to be so tiring I don't even want to think about it.

Coming back to portugal will be good in the sense I'll be able to look at the people I know with another eyes. My judging and evaluating senses are also likely to be different so I will probably reason differently. I'm looking forward to meet some friends and some new friends, and some old friends (got in contact with some friends from primary/middle school) and most importantly those who have inspired me and that I miss the most.

Despite all this, when I come back to portugal, I obviously want to meet those people, take my cheap breakfast at the cafe. Fortunately I'm not in China long enough to feel the price shock when compared with Japan, I will come back to portugal and feel that in portugal everything's cheap. This because we mostly eat out here in china and don't really go to the supermarket.

I'm used to my routine in Japan, and coming here forced to make different choices, this feels uconfortable, and there are times in which I whish I could be in Japan. But now I'm coming back to portugal and won't even have to to re enjoy Japan, so I think that this separation will do me good and will make me wish for Japan more than even during my stay in Portugal. I think I'm going to have problems with food, I like japanese rice so much that I'm not prepared to come back to portuguese style. And glad that I mentioned it, I think I'm taking some japanese rice with me.

Anyway, yesterday, I went, again to a japanese 居酒屋 here in 天津, and had a great time there. Actually my closest friend did not go, and I went with the people that have surprised them most positively here in china. I really, really enjoy going to this kind of place and have a nice talk, a nice laugh and overall just have a good time with friends. I really, really enjoy this. I do this, well, not often, but lately, relatively frequently in Japan. Going to Izakaya and to Cafes. Though I'm going to refrain from doing it from now on because I have no money to spend like this. And did that because I wanted to "improve" the human relations with the ones involved and just had a good time.
In this 居酒屋 we can actually order in japanese so that it even feels better, you know, that "home sweet home" kind of feeling. Besides, we went there two days ago, and because it was the end of the chinese year they gave us 饺子 for free. But the waitress and myseld are often confused because of the japanese/chinese mix that happens between all of us.

Today we are going tohave lunch (well, in like 2 hours time) and then we are going to this tower. I also need to spend the around 30 euros I have in chinese money in something.

 Speaking of money, I bough some training pants and boots here in china for prices I'd never see in portugal or in Japan. I also bought a smartphone because not only it was cheap - if compared with the average prices of phones with equal specs in Portugal and Japan, but also because my old smartphone is not working and couldn't use it in Japan. And I barely use my cellphone in Japan because it's like from stone age and 使う気がしない。But now everything will be different.

中国

China so far.

Cheap, really cheap.

Food is awesome.

Chinese people are considerably different from japanese in some aspects, not going into detail.
I already miss Japan from looking at pics from my friends there and going to eat at an Yoshinoya here.

I'm continuously thinking about what I want to do in the future. I think I want to stay in Japan for more a few years (master course if there's any scholarship) and then I think I'd like to try China too.

Today I'm going to 天安门!

emotions

Ideally I want to make this a big but concise post. But it's almost midnight and I'm tired so don't get your hopes too high.

After living here for some months, after feeling a lot of things without understanding what (either emotions or other people - later) I finally realized something I had been saying already for some time, and that it was true for one emotion only. I can now recognize my emotions. Before I could only recognize one, but now I think I can recognize all or at least almost. I actually will read (study) on the several existent emotions just to make sure I'm able to recognize them all.

There are still a lot of things I don't understand, but by talking to people, living here, feeling other people, eating delicious food, feeling the weather more intensively, and probably by so many other things, that I have become able to read myself.

Living here and acknowledging that indeed everyone thinks and acts differently, and trying to understand the differences in order to behave accordingly had made me research more or less on several subjects. Yet another thing that has also helped has been the fact that I've been reading things on leadership and other business skills, even though I think this doesn't have a direct influence on what's happening to me, I think it does on a more unconscious level. 

 Thing is you know..., my mind opened.

I still haven't read much on this and probably won't during the next two weeks (GOING TO CHINA TO MEET SOME FRIENDS! FUCK YEAH!Leaving after tomorrow btw) but I can ensure you that I will read more. On this and on the human body. More specifically, the human...the human what? Aura? Aura I guess.

And the way people are, directly influences how people around an individual behave. I will not be very specific on this because I don't want to. This is something only those who know this my self or those who are yet to know this my self will experience.

I've been through quite a lot. And somehow I was always able to supress my emotions because, 意外と, I have a lot of pride and don't like to admit failure. And speaking of which, I did not pass JLPT1, the part that I though it was the easiest was the one that, ironically, I didn't pass. Anyways, as I was saying, I somehow have been able to repress my emotions since, like, I remember? Or I just didn't had emotional support as I grew. Or most likely, both.

I said before that I could feel one emotion, but actually not only one (and this one I'm not allowed to say, at least directly :) ) but two, the other one I felt every now and then was confidence, specially after 筋トレ. But it didn't the effect didn't last long.

So, I'm going to China, come back to Japan for two days and then I'm leaving again to Portugal. So this will, I am sure, going to be very, well, emotional. I'm sure I'll be living a whole lot of emotions during the next month, so I'm really, really curious to see how it'll be.

so, kind of tired. お休みなさい！

I officially CAN speak japanese

I recently discovered that my DS has an SD card -_-' so I decided to take the I have in there out of it.

 me 4 years ago, a complete noob

me now, able to speak japanese, more or less fluently, my hair is much longer too.

The other day I met with a japanese who speaks portuguese and we were kind of doing some language exchange. and I gotta say, making the transition to portuguese again was somewhat difficult. Because I was translationg literally from japanese to portuguese and the whole thing just seemed, off. But after a while my portuguese got better.

Anyway, I decided I am officially a speaker of japanese! It's like, even though you don't have the opportunity to see my japanese, because I more or less stopped writing in japanese after coming here (also because I want to still have the surprise factor when I come back to Portugal) but truth of the matter is that I use japanese every day at school and when talking with whoever it is (excluding skype). I write texts, I correct texts, I read texts, I listen to my colleagues explaining texts, I discuss, I...I can use japanese and get around using and living with it.

Now the thing I'm struggling with the most is what to do in the future...yes, this is still a problem. there are times in which I'm sure I want to be here, but lately I've been making more comparisons, and since I'm more aware of my feelings I feel that I'd be more happy in Portugal. Yes, because small things count, a lot. and to me being able to eat my breakfast, to hang out with friends from high school and university (and even primary school).

And I said Portugal, because besides Portugal and Japan I know not any other countries. But I dare say that I'd like to try the US.

the finale - Desperate Housewives

Yes.
Here I am, here to talk about something completely unrelated to Japan or the Japanese language. Well, today, it is the end of the most entertaining tv series I have ever watched. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. They have influenced far too much and having that said, they too deserve a spot here in my blog.

This show talks about the life of four ambitious and well succeeded women (and a few other are also focused, depending on the season) who stuggle with several kinds of problems. Problems with neighbors, family, well, the problems of the daily lives of regular people, like us. Divorces, unwanted pregnancies, jealousy, death, disease, betrayal, work, cheating, and I could go on forever.
Instead, what I want to focus is the tremendous friendship I've seen along the 8 seasons of the show, loyalty, love. The last episode was particularly beautiful and moving. And I can't wait till some movie comes out.

Another thing I would also like to mention is the fact that I "grew" with the kids of the show. They are all around my age so it was kind of awesome to watch them grow.

And I'm not gonna lie, my favorite was always Bree, brilliantly played by actress Marcia Cross. Of course, I like them all equally, but just always had a preference for Bree.

look at them, as always, fabulous

Thank you!

work and fun. and associated procrastination. is it really that bad?

I have another theory. And realized it today. The epiphanies I've been having lately are the result of the accumulated thinking, recollecting and experiencing that I've been doing ever since I came here, the Land of the Rising Sun, Japan.

Today, while I was writing a kind of report and the results of a survey I had to make like a month ago for the 文章力 class (which subject was 留学と睡眠との関係) I found out myself procrastinating. But this procrastination was different.
I tend to emphasize a lot work and productivity, but truth of the matter is that, by giving it to much importance I start fearing it even before I start. Which undoubtedly makes me nervous and scared of the result and since I fear the result I fear doing it. And makes me end up procrastinating. In doing nothing. Yes, this is a big failure. I acknowledge it.
BUT, as I wrote before, today's procrastination was different. And it's outcome came out way better that the outcome of the other meaningless procrastinations.
Today I procrastinated alright, but this time I did it confident. I did it trusting in myself, trusting in the fact that despite being, well, procrastinating, that I would end the work. And I did. Actually, way sooner and way effectively than the works I have done so far.

But why? You ask.

Well, what I thing that has been happening with me lately is that my mind is getting more open. As a result, things I would consider before a waste of time, are actually, not that much a waste of time. things such as playing videogames, watching tv series, you know those things. that people usually do when they are bored, or simply because they enjoy doing it.

That's what I have also been doing lately. And it indeed feels better than being thinking and worrying about reports I used to believe I couldn't do. Because belief is the root of the problem here.

(It's actually half past midnight here in Japan, and I'm quite inspired, I believe it is because I drank coffee for three times today and probably because I'm more excited than ever, finally. Or is it because of something else...? I'm not really sure, and I really get confused with all this, I never know if it's caffeine, adrenaline, the heater's or someone's influence on my that get my heart rate up)

Up until now, I believed I had immense trouble with writing. I remember the essays I had to write in tests during high school. Man, I feared those the most. I could never find a proper way to talk about what they asked. Or so I believed. Again, and I think I have written about this before. I don't remember having feedback on my essays style of writing nor creativity. I also don't get that feedback here. For whatever class it is. Because we have to write texts/reports for pretty much every class. But we are only given feedback on our grammatical mistakes. Not on style. And I get it.

Anyway, as I was writing, I always thought that I was inferior to my classmates. Even though I hated admitting it. But truth of the matter is, we are really, pretty much the same.

Point is. And I'm going to be short on this, but only because I'm dying to go take a walk and let all this  adrenaline or whatever it is go away. If you believe in you, than there's no problem in procrastinating as long as you enjoy it and are sure you can meet the deadline without having to pull an all-nighter.

Yes. Procrastination. The thing we all fear, yet at the same time the thing we all wish.

(1. and as a side note. I'm getting better at identifying my feelings. some time ago, and sorry for the spoiler for those who haven't watched the show but, Desperate Housewives's Mike Delfino died. I was Devastated. I mean devastated. He was such a nice guy and his wife Susan's speech at the funeral was so beautiful that I couldn't help but get really, really emotional - just to put it in other words if you know what I mean.)

(2. just as a side note two. I just hope that you have caught the reference to Desperate Housewives in the last line - line, not sentence, line - of this text, excluding the sidenotes. And yes, I really have a fondness for this show as some of you might have already noticed it, no wonder, been watching it since 2004, and only have a few episodes until ending the last season, so I'm kind sad, but grateful at the same time for being able to watch and grow with it)

me, myself and I

So, as I said on twitter some days ago, I'm going to write about my theory, about myself, as selfish as it might sound. I still don't know how I'm going to write this, so I'll just go with the flow. I'm at a japanese friend's bedroom drinking "calpis sour" and eating peanuts and that sort of snacks. How cool is that? will start doing this in Portugal too.

Let's start.

Since I was a child and since I started watching movies that I've been idealizing a life such as the lives of those people who appear on the movies, in cities like New York or LA, working in really tall buildings, inside offices with great views and all that. Since forever. Besides movies, I also read hungrily disney's Scrooge Mcduck's and Donald Duck's comincs. I remember once, I was sitting on my dad's car reading that while going to a mall in the city of Gaia and I suddently got this sudden strengh, "oh I wanna be like him" and such. Point here is, I grew up stongly influenced by this american competitiveness, ambition, materialism, wealthiness = ideal, entrepreneurship, arrogance, time = money = no can waste time, aggressiveness, efficiency, patriotism (not to my own country though) culture, ideas. And I've been realizing that lately.

Making unconscious and conscious comparisons between Japan and Portugal and reading (USA) articles on twitter made go back to thinking and go back to those concepts I've been idealizing since forever.
I don't really know where Myself is the middle of all this, but what I feel is that I have a stronger, way stronger personality than that most of my friends know or have seen. Somehow studying japanese and japanese culture made me supress those ideas from my head, I started having new ideals, and thinking Japan is the best place, that the japanese mentality is the best in the world. As it happens, and after being here for four months (as of today) I've been realizing now only Japan's virtues and faults as I've been noticing my country's onw's. I've been feeling things I never felt before, I've become really sensitive to a lot of things and became able to read myself. Basically  I now can recognize (not always) what I'm feeling.

I sometimes feel quite empowered, those times are awesome, but here in Japan everyone around me feels it so it's kind of weird, and I have to suppress, or at least try whatever that is.

What I mean with this post is that, I think I've found myself. And ever since, that sometimes portuguese and english 口癖 come out. It only started after I started feeling this, lately. It's kind of weird and I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly and if whoever's reading this will understand what I mean here. Probably not.