indecisiveness

I've been to China, back to Japan (for one day), now back to Portugal and will be back to Japan next week. And I said I probably wouldn't post anything else before going to Japan but I'm here, writing. Never say never.

I'm again, as I usually am when I make posts in Portugal, sitting at the cafeteria I like the most. There's a group of old ladies at my right, I'm listening to music (案室奈美得恵) and I'm writing this post, because as I was coming back from Braga (had to go there, and will come back tomorrow) I was thinking on what I really want to do in the future. You know, there's actually a bunch of options for me. But I need to choose what will suit my future the most.

I'm now living in Japan, and will probably feel sorry for writing what I'm going to write here. Fortunately, it's so much better to have several option than having no one. I'm going to write those I'm considering today. 

I say this because, I find myself in Japan thinking to myself that I want to live there for a long time, but the time I spent in China, and now back in Portugal, has made me think that I don't want to limit myself. It would be a waste. 

Changes I've been noticing. This is not to brag myself, it's just what I feel I have improved and still have to improve. I've changed so much in the past 5 months, it's kinda unbelievable.

Before (bad traits, as I was unaware, I couldn't define myself)
passive
unaware
ambitious, but afraid/scared
insecure
lack of self esteem
close minded
conservative
intolerant
lack of precision (still a problem, but improved)

After (full me)
assertive
courageous (looking forward too new things and challenges)
ambitious 
loving
aware
get easily irritated
use irony and sarcasm (not in Japan, it doesn't always work and I am a lot more reserved when I speak in japanese)
affectionate 
curious
competitive
confident
creative (not sure though...)
dependable
independent 
loyal
obedient
efficient
empathetic
honest
powerful 
charismatic
tolerant
intense
agressive
tenacious
indecisive 
無視できる

However, I see my friends (mostly those who have no university degree) and they either have precarious jobs, or are jobless and don't study. I feel that the portuguese youngsters, who can't afford to go to university  (or just don't like studying) are really, I don't know, sad? I though I felt that the japanese are this way too, but it's incomparable. Here's much worse. This is why I feel happy for having chosen Japan/China as major area.

and talking of which... going to change the subject now, this time regarding to my future master degree option. Here are the options.

- continue in Japan and take a master degree there (if, there's the possibility o having a scholarship). My problem with Japan is the women's status. Though this is changing. Japanese women are becoming more ambitious. I personally know a few who want to work. On the other hand I also know a few who just want to marry and be housewives. But in anyway, I want to have a job related to Japan. I like some aspects of the japanese culture/people a lot not to work in something related to japanese people. The thing that keeps me away from this option is that I think there's no right course for me in Japan. business would be too hard because of math and culture is just pointless. I want practical skills and not become a sociologist.

- come back to portugal and take a master degree in something either related to business and/or international relations.
 
- take a master degree in chinese studies (just because want to have in my curriculum that I've lived both in Japan and China for at least a year, not particularly interested in the degree, I just want to live there in order to improve the cv, my chinese skills, have more prestige and feel even more empowered and confident. The thing that keeps me from this is that I feel I'm betraying the japanese language and the japanese people I know. And this is a big turndown. And I get afraid every time I think that having studied chinese after japanese will land me more easily a job using chinese instead of japanese. I kinda feel bad for writing a lot more on this option than on the others.

In the long run I'd also like to live temporarily in the US, in order to feel and be able to think and say that I have been educated in the 3 most powerful countries besides my own, though I think it will be considerably hard.

My option will probably depend on how I feel when I'm back to Japan.When I'm there I always feel I want to stay there, but I need to be more rational. Have been to Japan, got my Japanese to a respectful level, finally understood some aspects of the japanese culture. The thing missing is after finishing my studies (regardless of the master degree) is having a job related to japan and working with the people I like the most would be like a dream come true. こうやって、私は、死んでもいいわ。

So let's put this short.

I Want to work with japanese people using japanese language in Portugal/Japan, but also want to go to live in China for some time. The biggest problem is that, once leaving Japan will be really hard to come back (unless I have a job related).

And I continue frustrated, because I've been thinking a lot about this lately and can't decide.