Almost one year has passed since I got my Kobo (September), and from all the reading (50 books so far!) I've made on leadership, psychology, self improvement, etc that I've come to become a completely different person from that I used to be.
I am much more positive, energetic, outgoing, smarter, funny, witty etc! Read books people, read books and find your hidden strenghts! Light your fire!
Ever since I was a kid that I always dreamed big. I used to read Scrooge McDuck (my favorite character, but I and also read other Disney characters comics) rather frequently and I think that my money management skills (if you can call it that) come from his influence.
I told myself I wouldn't let myself feel inferior to boys, and I did it.
I told myself I would play soccer well to play with the boys, and I did it.
I told myself I would become physically (at that time, never considered the emotional side) strong. and I did it.
I told myself I would be best at the English class, and I did it.
I told myself I would not stop at the 24 minute runs at the physical education class, and I didn't stop (unlike my girl friends and classmates).
I told myself I was going to know Japanese, and I did it.
I told myself I was going to be the best at the Japanese class, and I did it.
I told myself I would come to Japan no matter what, and I did it.
"I made it by being tougher than the toughies, and smarter than the smarties! And I made it square!"
Having this said, I think I can conclude that I am competition driven. When I was in Portugal, I would look at the students at my favorite classes and feel threatned because I wanted to be the best. So I had no choice but work to be the best. They most likely couldn't care less about that, but this is how I felt.
On one side this sucks, or at least the initial pressure and stress from feeling threatned, but the process of striving to win and accomplishing it, makes it kind of worth it, because it is in these times that I am the most creative and productive.
In Japan I don't feel this competition, I get motivated by books, and then discouraged by the confusion in my head when I think about writing a thesis. I was not made to work sitting not on a desk all day, I need constant human (and non human too) stimulation. Specially lately I feel that there's this beast inside me eagerly waiting to come out (oh no, not again...! haha) and be put working somewhere where I can just do something to help making some product or company more profitable. But of course incentives are necessary.
I also told myself I would be someone important at a company, will the pattern continue?
“Being confident and believing in your own self-worth is necessary to achieving your potential.” ― Sheryl Sandberg
BE1 PODCAST [2min]
What is this? Leadership, Psychology and much more!
This is going to be a really short podcast, because sometimes I feel I can't express myself through writing only and feel something is lacking. I want people to listen to my real me, to feel who I am.
I decided to make this not only to see to what extent I can express myself in English, and to get better at it, but also to grow my communication skill and see if I can go beyond my shyness, to make myself more confident!
Thank you for listening, I hope you enjoy it as much as I will!
I just started reading Sheryl Sandberg's "Leaning In", I still have only read a few pages but I'm already all fired up!
I definitely need to read this kind of books with more frequency. I have no environmental advantages to get all fired up here (nor in Portugal), because nobody I know is ambitious and so my enthusiasm ends up fading.
Japan could learn something this.
I ASPIRE TO A LEADERSHIP ROLE IN WHATEVER FIELD I ULTIMATELY WORK.
By giving myself some pressure, I'm pleased to announce that somewhere between the next 2 weeks I'll start reading Sheryl Sanberg's masterpiece. I have to finish reading a few other books first until I can fully immerse myself in Sheryl's mind. And I can't wait...!
Then, there's another one, since I started watching 30 Rock that I have been following the leading actress with some enthusiasm, Tina Fey. And therefore, I must read her book, I want to know her a little better, specially because she makes me laugh hard when I'm watching the show (that she herself created!).
This period I'm spending in Japan is turning, better, has turned into, perhaps the period of my life in which I have learned the most. I told to myself that, during my masters degree, I would dedicate myself to reading, to learning. Two years I have, for myself, to learn. And that's what I'm doing.
I'm reading. A lot. And a lot I am yet to read. I want to try a bit of everything. The best of reading books is that, if you read often, let's say, during a month you read 4 books, you can be positive that after that month you'll be wiser than you were a month ago. I guess it depends on what you read too, but for now, that's what I'm feeling.
Sure, many of the books I've read are self-development (leadership, psychology, etc) books. I'm also enjoying very much fiction. To the point that I find myself thinking about my own, and other people's behaviors, reactions. And the moment I'm living the moment, it's like time slows and I have time to think about how fascinated I am (or not) by what I'm whitnessing.
I learn empathy, feelings, with every page of fiction I read.
Listen to THIS PODCAST to understand a little better what I'm trying to say.
Before coming to Japan, due to many childhood I-guess-you-could-say "traumas", my emotional development was far from normal. I was not able to recognize my own emotions! And therefore I was not able to recognize and empathize with other people. I had this feeling of inferiority towards other people. I did not value myself. When you regard yourself like this, you don't want anyone to be around you, because you can emotionally sink at the slightest disaproval.
Fortunately I no longer feel that way. I feel confident and assured of myself, I can defend myself.
This lack of empathy made me lose my first real love. Thinking about it now, gives me this sense of revolt towards myself. In the presence of the person I would feel so good, I would feel sleepy, I would smile for no reason. It was a very, very intense and warm feeling, that I had NEVER felt before (have you ever heard of "amae"?). I used to think that no one would ever like me, so having that person liking me...well, I thought the person was either making fun of me or else it would be too good to the truth. And I didn't believe it.
So as I was supposed to be saying, as much as I felt all that warmness, besides being the first-second (had experienced it with someone else, on a different way), my blindness towards myself (and others) wouldn't let me act upon it, because I couldn't recognize what I was feeling. Jesus, I was so emotionally disconnected, that if I saw someone like I used to be now, I probably wouldn't believe it. I am so much more sensitive now. Thanks to this experience and thanks to the insights books allow us to imagine vividly.
And so, due to my self inflicted ignorance, I turned myself to books. In a quest to understand what, why and how. And books, have helped me learn myself, control myself, be myself. And lately, I've been noticing that I am getting fascinated with people, being aware in those moments. Feeling my eyes full of emotion. Feeling my heart.
I develop, I grow every day. At the end of each week I know I'm wiser that I was just a mere 7 days before.
Here's a TED talk that inspires me every time I see it.
This post is sudden, I wrote one just yesterday, but I just want to clear this out of my head and get space to think about it some more.
Yesterday I added my best friend ever in Skype. It was a long time without talking to him (I met him once when I went back to Portugal). He is now working in Norway. Talking to him made me feel myself again. Made look back to what I was originally. My essence. My tastes. Myself. Before Japan, before my BA, before high school - when we separated).
But first, let me give you a few easy definitions.
All my hobbies during childhood and adolescence, included this particular friend.
I have many people I call friends, but this one is perhaps the most deep friendship I have.
We share values, we share language, we share hobbies and tastes, we share simplicity and views of life, we share our hometown, we share the fact that we are now living abroad. Ultimately, we share culture. A culture developed over the years we have know each other.
If there's a person I can trust, a person I have no problems whatsoever talking and asking for whatever, it's this friend.
For instance, starting from zero, either me in Japan or him in Norway, is not easy.
We shared our opinions about it. And I was shocked to understand that he too, felt damaged in some way because there's actually people with bad intentions. I still get shocked when I talk to chinese people and they all say that the world is dangerous, that even your "friends" can betray without the blink of an eye. That to me is absolutely monstruous.
Unfortunately I think I can say that I know the taste of it. This hurts. A lot. Someone to whom you open up, being bitchy, lying just to make you feel bad. That is so immature. So childish. Grow up already! Only kids up until high school do that.
Another reason for not being easy is the fact that, people are more closed. Coming from a country where we freely and fervently express our emotions, being in a country where people don't do it often (or at least I haven't reached that level of closeness with anyone) automatically blocks your own body from doing it. "Mirroring" gets impossible. It becomes impossible to actually enjoy human relationships, it just gets boring.
Anyway, I just want to say that, for the first time in a long time, I felt so thankful for having this friend. I felt so happy for him, knowing that is finally living a decent life, money wise, unlike when he was in Portugal.
Having this good of a friend makes me feel stronger and happier. It makes me eager study and work to get where he is. I want my independence too. It also makes me feel proud for having grown up with the values we share.
I sometimes even think, how's my life going to be without this kind of people around me here in Japan?
Or am I overthinking and not seing other possibilities? I have been trying to become comfortable with the uncomfortable, and have made some progress, but I can't help but feel bored. Is it because I know no people with the same tastes and drive? Someone to whom I can talk passionately about something I like? Is it me that is not trying enough?
With all the reading I've been doing, I guess I could say that my
ultimate goal is to completely control myself. I intend on continue
doing this (don't know if I could call it...) intensive reading, until
at least I start working (after I get a real job I will continue, of
course, but probably not this "intensive"). Having no internet on my mobile phone has helped me immensely with reading. Though I only used my phone to read the news (business insider, the economist, and the likes).
Well, anyway, I started reading a book on charisma, "The Charisma Myth", and have realized a few things about...life. Perception. Human beings. Mind. Brain.Human relationships. Words. The power of words in our perception and feelings.
Sometimes people get surprised at for example, my resistance (whether at sports, study, whatever), and I never really understood why people reacted that way. I didn't see it as a big deal. And I refused compliments. After all I did nothing extraordinary.
Thing is, the way oneself reacts will affect how one feels. And I honestly don't remember what it feels like winning. Or the feeling of accomplishment after some hard task got completed. Perhaps its just me, that still really haven't done anything surprising, or it might be the way I react to things (thanking, but not actually believing in the compliment) that has been blocking those feelings from me.
I have probably written before that I wanted that feeling or that I like that feeling. But actually, it was just for the story. And I say this because lately I have been having more positive feelings. I have been reading different things online (mostly thanks to StumbleUpon, that get's me always awesome articles that make my brain feel more fulfilled and excited) and reading more for my research, and in Japanese!
And I realized that people like Liz Lemon make me feel good. I still dream of being able to work in a work environment like hers...(and I don't even know if that's even possible or not, after all "30 Rock" is a TV show...
無為 (chinese notion mention in a book referred below)
自信 (japanese)
For the past few months that I have been noticing considerable differences in myself. Every aspect of life now seems peaceful and in control. This has to do to with the mind shift that has been occurring with me.
To the extent that whatever thing I face (like presentations, or just novelty that used to be scary some months ago), I face them with this weird peacefulness. It's like I believe that I can do it without trouble.
Let me give you an example.
Doing presentations.
In Portugal, when I gave presentations (within a group almost all the time), I used to memorize what I had to say and we practiced together as a group, after school in some empty classroom.
Coming to Japan, I no longer have that kind of group projects to do.
But anyway. When I prepare (memorize by heart) whatever I have to say, I get very nervous, afraid of forgetting something during the moment, and this pressure, or fear, of the potential mind freeze is much harder than just not stress about it. It's like, don't think about it, go relaxed, and just trust yourself. It will naturally happen.
As curious as it might be, I started reading a book on this (Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity)just this week. I just read an article about it on Brain Pickings and just felt like reading it. I'm still not even half way thought it, but it's been enlightening to some extent.
I have this need to question and understand my mind and improve it as much as possible. Letting behind the garbage it used to be inside of it.
I can now focus, I am back to feeling joy and even pride, or just plain happy, for knowing the Japanese language, and thankful for knowing English and being a Portuguese native speaker. Instead of focusing on the limitations, I started focusing on the possibilities.
Yes, the mind is a very complex and beautiful thing. Or at least it turns beautiful when you gain control over it.
I already started taking some further steps and risks and will start immersing in novelty (as doing different things I wouldn't usually do) here in Japan, slowly, but still.
It's time to let go of who I was and become the new self that has been forming here full time.
In the end, I really don't know what to call this, is this some sort of stage into maturity/adulthood?
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