Know Thyself (An Ode to Books)

This period I'm spending in Japan is turning, better, has turned into, perhaps the period of my life in which I have learned the most. I told to myself that, during my masters degree, I would dedicate myself to reading, to learning. Two years I have, for myself, to learn. And that's what I'm doing.

I'm reading. A lot. And a lot I am yet to read. I want to try a bit of everything. The best of reading books is that, if you read often, let's say, during a month you read 4 books, you can be positive that after that month you'll be wiser than you were a month ago. I guess it depends on what you read too, but for now, that's what I'm feeling. 

Sure, many of the books I've read are self-development (leadership, psychology, etc) books. I'm also enjoying very much fiction. To the point that I find myself thinking about my own, and other people's behaviors, reactions. And the moment I'm living the moment, it's like time slows and I have time to think about how fascinated I am (or not) by what I'm whitnessing. 

I learn empathy, feelings, with every page of fiction I read. 

Listen to THIS PODCAST to understand a little better what I'm trying to say. 

Before coming to Japan, due to many childhood I-guess-you-could-say "traumas", my emotional development was far from normal. I was not able to recognize my own emotions! And therefore I was not able to recognize and empathize with other people. I had this feeling of inferiority towards other people. I did not value myself. When you regard yourself like this, you don't want anyone to be around you, because you can emotionally sink at the slightest disaproval. 

Fortunately I no longer feel that way. I feel confident and assured of myself, I can defend myself. 

This lack of empathy made me lose my first real love. Thinking about it now, gives me this sense of revolt towards myself. In the presence of the person I would feel so good, I would feel sleepy, I would smile for no reason. It was a very, very intense and warm feeling, that I had NEVER felt before (have you ever heard of "amae"?). I used to think that no one would ever like me, so having that person liking me...well, I thought the person was either making fun of me or else it would be too good to the truth. And I didn't believe it.

So as I was supposed to be saying, as much as I felt all that warmness, besides being the first-second (had experienced it with someone else, on a different way), my blindness towards myself (and others) wouldn't let me act upon it, because I couldn't recognize what I was feeling. Jesus, I was so emotionally disconnected, that if I saw someone like I used to be now, I probably wouldn't believe it. I am so much more sensitive now. Thanks to this experience and thanks to the insights books allow us to imagine vividly.

And so, due to my self inflicted ignorance, I turned myself to books. In a quest to understand what, why and how. And books, have helped me learn myself, control myself, be myself. And lately, I've been noticing that I am getting fascinated with people, being aware in those moments. Feeling my eyes full of emotion. Feeling my heart. 

I develop, I grow every day. At the end of each week I know I'm wiser that I was just a mere 7 days before. 

Here's a TED talk that inspires me every time I see it.

So thank you books. 

And ultimately, thank you Love, 

for being my genesis.