fear(less?)

So, I've been avoiding to write for the past 2 weeks.
To be honest, I don't want to write this, but if I don't, things will just continue inside me. I'm just trying to have some feeling of relief or something like that.

I have so much I want to take out, that I don't even know how to start (hey, good practice for research papers...!). Thing is, I think I'm a little frustrated. I miss my portuguese friends. More than ever. I see their posts everyday on facebook. I talk to them on skype. But it's not the same. Hence me writing this. I just miss that mutual understanding one has in its home country.

Me, here, having problems with money (I am extremely savvy, and what is normal in portugal is an extravagance here -like having breakfast, or studying at the cafe, in Portugal they're everywhere, and are really cheap - one of the reasons I thinks Starbucks wouldn't be that much successful, but the product is very different, so I might be wrong, portuguese people absolutely love brands and to look good and hip), food (prices, sizes, non existance, etc), registration of classes, the fucking tuitions, and consequent fear. Fear of failing. Fear of not graduating, fear of not having a fucking job (dad's unemployed for many years, Portugal is in deep economic crisis), fear of feeling weak (hence decreasing motivation, productivity, well being, etc) because I haven't been eating decent food, fear of dealing with things from school.
It all comes down to fear.
I now understand why I have high ambitions. All my life I've been dealing with stepbacks. Been dealing with shit my whole life and I just want to feel comfortable. I'm sick of this feeling of crisis. Sick of it. So when people state that, me or whoever else, can't do something, I get seriously offended (of course, one has to be realistic). My body always knew, unconsciously that. Hence getting lethargic when I see limits. My brain has to go down the stairs again and I completely get lost and don't know what to do.

I have very high standards because I would never allow anything to beat me while I was growing up. Every single phase was hard. Since I was born till probably the next two years. High school was perhaps the best time of my life, and if I were as developed as I am now it could have been so much better (damn you late puberty?).

Wether guys in soccer, wether acquaintance's drinking problems and me having to deal with the person, wether pressure from coming from a classy family and having to read books and have good grades as my cousins without sucess (I never really liked studying, I was always average, except for languages where I was always the best and math, were I was always the worst) wether friends in english class at school,  wether dad's sudden unemployment and related feelings, whether feelings I didn't want to feel and was able to achieve suppressing them (the cause of this late mental puberty perhaps), wether classmates in japanese class in university, whatever!

Not dealing with all these internal wounds, made me grow pretty much very close hearted, because I didn't want pity. So I kept all these things to myself. I wouldn't dare telling my friends. Out of shame, out of disappointment, out of fear of pity, etc. Which in turn, ended up making me feel pity about myself.
So now, after some years of heart and feelings hiatus, now that I'm watching tv again, now that I have hobbies and my standards suddenly appeared (after starting to re-recognize my emotions - it started with what I like and what I don't like TVwise, then during the shows feeling fear, hope, love, etc). I am much stronger, and I'm at my best I usually compare myself to a bull or a lion, or a shark. That's just me. And now that I realize this, now that I know what I want, that I want to feel more like that.

I might seem a little reckless, even disrespectful, on my daily basis, but truth is, that's just the outside. In my country everyone is like that.
And for "respect" I have very high standards. If I now someone failed big at one of my standards of respect I can't deal with that person normally. For example, during presentations, I can't stand seeing teachers talking and laughing to each other while a student is presenting. Regardless of "status", it is so disrespectful for the student that it makes me sick. The same is obviously true for the opposite. And students/students too, of course.

I'm speaking against myself here, because if not in the right mindset I completely suck at presentations and would rather have people distracted with something else other than my presentation (the fear of shame).

If you respect me, aside cultural differences that my body might not be able to control, you have all my respect and all my support. But the moment you disrespect (according to my standards at least) someone, some animal (sorry, can't feel anything for most bugs), the moment you are mentally, verbally, or physically rude to some being you'll have my vehement repudiation. You could say I "naturally" turn the "ruthless agression" mode on.

Is is interesting, because writing this made me realize some things. I should write more goddammit.

I think this is my late psychological puberty's fault. Or I think it is. My head is going through so many changes for the first time in my life, that I can only think that. And I always felt something was not "normal" with me. Until now. And you should see my eyes. My eyes are big now! And I have attitude. Funny thing is, I remember being like this, many, many years ago.

This could be some puberty drama, but truth is,iIt's not that easy to live in a foreign country with no one that fully understands you, people with whom you can act naturally, you can be yourself, comfortable. This is why I'm always so eager to come back "home", or my bedroom, as you wish, because here I can be myself, I might be alone, but I'm not in "danger", or with "what's not mine". If I had someone that completely understands me outside my home I wouldn't be like this, but I don't, so I'm always rushing to go where I feel warm, comfortable.

For starters, the language is very different. Not because I lack the skills (depending on the people I talk to, my japanese level flutuates) but because I can't say in japanese what I would be able to say in portuguese or english. I feel extremely limited in japanese, I might get close to what I want to say but the language itself hits me on my brain and forbids me of saying x.  So for the first time I feel grateful for knowing these three languages.
And I do have Level 4 of the chinese proficiency test (out of 6, being 6 the best) but I do not consider myself an official "chinese speaker" simply because I can't speak it fluently as I wanted. For those who don't know, I'm a chinese studies major (bachelors), continuing my studies in Japan, mastering in intercultural communication, going to do research on marketing on for major markets (to me, not hard to guess), after one year forging my japanese skills.

Have a nice week.

Note on productivity. And laughs.

Today is Sunday. Again. Sunday. Not Sunday night like in my last post, but still Sunday.
And here's a song.
More suitable to those who live somewhere where it's still AM time.

I am now supposed to be working on a translation. Not big. I can probably finish it, from the start to the beginning (I'm about half through it) in around 2-3-4 hours. I have this thing that I translate 50 lines at a time, and then break (in a file, there's usually 300-350 lines).

I have been noticing that, working on weekends is terribly ineffective for me. I guess I associate weekends with end of the week and therefore, rest. During the week, since the pace is much faster and have more things to do with time limits. Simple things, like catch x train, catch x bus, wait for x class, read x text until x date, meet with x person, buy x thing, etc. In short, during the week you HAVE to do it, or you won't survive (okay, you'll be embarrassed, ashamed if you don't do it).

On weekends however, all that, I guess I could call it stress, kind of vanishes. And you have more freedom to do whatever you want (unless of course you work - somewhere outside your home). I have no problem whatsoever reading academic papers - because I enjoy learning from it, but if I feel that it is mandatory work, somehow, I tend to procrastinate. I am not going to blame the "mandatory" factor alone, however.

Another factor is, the place where I work. Working at home is probably the dream job to many. As far as my so far short experience tells me, yes. It is nice to work from the comfort of your home, without having to deal with outside noises and other hindrances. But there's one problem for me. I can't properly work if I'm not in a bustling environment. I'm guessing all the years studying in groups with friends (high school, university) and having the - I guess I could call it - "culture", of going to the cafe after school to study and discuss the subjects we were studying, chit chat, spend a good time in general, has made me prone to now being able to properly work in the quietness of my home.

And please, don't automatically think I'm living a very good life here.
I'm making some effort to pay school fees for myself, I don't mind being in debt with my family, but I still feel very uncomfortable. I know I will pay somehow what my "uchi" has made for me (thanks to our family business, otherwise my parents wouldn't afford this). I have to think not only of the next ones I need to pay, but also the payments next to that one. So for example, instead of spending 300yen on lunch at the canteen, I'd rather not eat or bring myself a sandwich from home. The more I save now, the less I have to worry later. Unfortunately, this is the only way I can think now. At least until I have a stable income and am absolutely sure I will be able to pay the fees with no problems.

I think people around me, or at least those who live in the same building I do, see me as a very anti-social person. Truth is, I am not. I am average. I like my space and time, but actually what probably I enjoy the most is being with my friends (at least the portuguese ones, since I can't call anyone around here "real friend" because its hard to trust somebody). Aside the obvious cultural differences, there is also the previously stated "money factor".

I wish I could eat out, invite my friends to eat out, go to the cinema once in a while, go (way) more often to Starbucks (actually with study as a goal).
Oh how I miss my portuguese habit of going to the cafe at night, after having had classes, studied and just be with my friends, talk nonsense, laugh - we laugh so much in Portugal...genuinely. I miss laughing more freely. I sometimes find myself laughing a lot, after listening to something funny, even if not that much funny (according to my standards), since it is a feeling that comes out naturally and listening to funny things here is so rare, when I listen to something minimally funny I tend laugh a lot.
It's like I have a concentration of laughs inside me, that will explode any time I hear something funny, but since those somethings are so rare, when I explode I laugh effusively.

That's it for today's Sunday.
I'm going to try and make an effort to finish the current translation. Then I intend on reading on Chinese Economy (gonna have a presentation soon) and then finally finish reading a paper I started yesterday and finally watch some tv series and go to sleep. And I just described my regular day (only missing classes and bicycle rides/walks). And also some social media time in between to keep up with the latest news and trends.

Oh, and I turned 22 by the way.
I grew so much during my "I'm 21 years old" time span that I assure that coming to Japan is the best investment I'm making, on a personal and Curriculum Vitae level.

Sunday night idleness

Sunday. It's Sunday night. Fear not.

Just because I read the other day something on how we tend to fear Sunday night more than, before-going-to-work/school Monday morning, I decided to give you some Miles Davis love. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, and the reading too. Just lie down, fuck my post, lie down and relax.

 

 

Since school (not school, GRADUATE school, I'm feeling like a college student for the first time) started, perhaps not since school, but most likely since I moved to this place, one and a half months ago, that I have been immersing myself on media. But actually fully enjoying it. I'm not limited to the tastes of my peers, nor the tastes of my family, nor the tastes I though I had, but now realize I didn't. Anyway, as I was writing, ever since this "change" started that I started changing.

Changing. Changing to someone I used to be. So is it really a change? A regression perhaps? But isn't a regression supposed to carry a negative meaning? Well, not in this case. The brain is a funny thing. And it's amazing how, regardless how dumb I used to consider myself, having the right mindset/attitude actually brought my "chutzpah" back.

Besides, I have been learning so much lately, that it only makes me want to learn more and more. I have this need that I cannot sate. The only thing keeping from it it's life itself. Besides studying I also need to work, also need to keep watching my daily tv drama session (it's my daily motivation. or incentive, like the Freakonomics's authors like to call it).

I have been trying to improve my english language skills, I have been reading on it, and will continue doing it. Not saying I will be the next Carrie Bradshaw, but I sure would like to someday get to a similar position. And life. Just like when I was a kid, I still dream of someday Manhattan.

Have a nice Sunday. 

I will spend the next few Sunday minutes I still have left watching some old school vampire love, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.

World War Z

"It was bedlam, exactly what you thought the end of the word was supposed to look like. Part of the house was burning, blood everywhere, bodies or bits of them spewed over all that expensive stuff. I met the whore's rat dog as we were both heading for the back door. He looked at me, I looked at him. If it'd been a conversation, it probably woulda gone like, "what about your master?" What about yours?" "Fuck'em." 

Gotta say. I laughed hard (at least mentally) when I read this passage. I probably shouldn't have. This non-verbal communication depiction reminded me of "Paris Hiltonless" dog. Hence my LOL'ing hard.
I've been reading this book for the past 2 weeks, at a slow pace, because I can't read fast (I can, but if I do it I can't pay no attention). I watched the movie like 1 month ago. I really didn't like the movie. As soon as I knew that there was actually a book, and after reading some compared-with-the-book-the-movie-completly-sucks comments I decided I had to read this. 

...And indeed. As soon as I read the first page I knew that this would be way better than the movie.

Well, basically, 

I just couldn't put it any better than this. 

C ya.

A "grown up"

Today, not absolutely sure but, I think I felt like I was an adult for the first time. Had never thought about it. About being over 18.

But lately I've been think about so much stuff, and learning new things just by recognizing and thinking about what I'm feeling.

Also. I had to buy a new computer. I was using a netbook on a daily basis (and many hours a day) for the past 3 years. It was just 2 days ago, but I feel it has added some more quality of life. Just like the computer screen I was given some weeks ago (improved my TV time greatly), it just adds more comfort to my place.
My netbook was getting worse day by day and it was getting hard to work, to watch tv series, and to use its regular functions "fluently".

Also. Since I recently moved to an apartment, that's also news. New neighborhood. New places to walk. New places to buy groceries. I liked my old place the best when it comes to walking though.

Also. Got recently a bicycle from a friend who went back to his country. I'm the kind of person who cannot be all day inside the house. I need to go out some times a day, need to refresh my head and let the room breath too. So the bicycle recently has become kind of like a new best friend.

Yes. I recently felt for the first time (well, now that I can recognize it), the so called loneliness. I never really understood what it was for sure. I still think I don't completely understand it.

Not only because I was in this relationship (not even sure if I can call that) without even realizing, but because I miss being in it. I never understood what it was. I never understood the reason why, with some people, very few I've met during my life, why I would just go back, couldn't get a topic of conversation, would be nervous all the time. I now do. I never understood why, but now I do. I feel to a certain extent that I wasted my teenage years, but I also feel that this delay on my mental growth will also allow me to understand everything better, to absorb everything better from now on.

I'm addicted to new. I had a very settled frame of mind before coming here. I couldn't do nothing that was in the limits of the mindset. Now I'm very different. I mean, I want that comfort zone, at least with people, with relations. But as for the rest, I want constant challenges, I want to be challenged, I want to challenge those challenges. Because, I think, I believe I can do it. I trust myself.

Am I a grown up?

Espelho meu

Desde pequena que sempre quis
Viver à grande tal como em Paris
Segui o Tio Patinhas com a sua ambição
Lutei toda a vida e vim parar ao Japão
Aqui tudo é novo, uma nova cultura
Mas não sei s'é aqui a minha sepultura
A China eu conheci
É aquela doçura
Isto eu não antevi
A puta da loucura
Eu não percebo
Mas depende de mim?
Todo este veneno
Mas parece que sim
Será crime todo este sublime?
Alguém me esclareça
Por muito que leia, por muito que estude
Ainda continuo na crença
É bom demais eu não sou especial
na verdade o meu medo
é o artificial
Eu não sei que faça
Em que acredite
Eu fico possessa
Mas pertenço à elite
Quando volto a mim
Recordo aqueles momentos
Aqueles sem fim
Convenço-me dos sentimentos
Que aqui descobri.

on leadership

http://blogs.hbr.org/hbr/hbreditors/2013/09/ambitious_women_face_more_obst.html?utm_source=Socialflow&utm_medium=Tweet&utm_campaign=Socialflow

"The basic idea: we become leaders iteratively, by taking increasingly challenging roles, learning, and then having our performance affirmed by those around us. For women, this process is often interrupted for a simple reason: when women display leadership behaviors we consider normative in men, we see them as unfeminine. When women act more feminine, we don't see them as leaders."

oh indeed.

Hello.
It's almost 10PM here in Japan.
I'm about to start drinking a cappucino (with a chocolate square inside to make it look like the one one of my aunts makes when I go there) in order to gain inspiration, to write in style, and because I like the warm and sweet taste.
And yes. It's almost 10PM. But oh hell, I've been noticing that caffeine does not have that much effect on me. Sometimes I drink coffee after lunch and fall asleep some minutes later.

Well, today's post is going to be deep. I'm much more mature now, when it comes to living here, and life and feelings in general.

Sometime ago on twitter, I mentioned that the notion of love and friendship were different here from the ones my head was structured to. I now realize that I ended up being part of something, without really realizing I was being a part of it. Because where I come from, human relations are, indeed, different. But yet again, equal on most aspects. I was a fool because I never stopped to think about this my whole life, up until now.
Realizing that I am, emotionally dependent on someone. Cool thing is, now I'm aware of it. I can fight it now. Not sure if I should. Not sure if I want. Not sure how's the future going to be.

Another thing. waking up, and just feeling that "today" is going to be a good day. That's awesome. I don't know why these feelings arise. I'm sure it also has to do with weather, but on a lot other things too that I'm still to find out.
There are also days in which one feels like crap. Lately I've been waking up early as usual, but find myself getting sleepy after breakfast (while reading online for about 45 minutes), ending up going back to bed just wanting to sleep. Yesterday was weird. that happened, and I stayed in bed till like 12.00 and woke up feeling weird, like today's a bad day, just having that feeling. It was a rainy day. Today was the complete opposite. Went to bed at 3, woke up at 8. I think that sleeping less somehow makes me more energetic.

Lately I've been realizing so much new things on me, that I'm so excited. I want to write it all! But I can't. This turmoil of feelings, realizing about myself, about how I feel when I'm with x person and with y person. Because I can literally "feel" something. I can now separate those with who I want to be with, and those who I don't or have no interest in to.
All my friendships up until now (in Portugal) were not necessarily based in common tastes. I mean. In university, my friends were in the same course as I was, so at least that we had in common. Making us have a lot of things related to the course (China and Japan) to discuss among us. But what tied us was the fact that we were together in the same classroom, for 3 years, everyday (excluding vacations of course). I made very good friends there, those that will be forever.

As a kid, I always struggled to be able to do the things I liked. Things that trigger very good sensations. The best example I can remember is real life games (like roleplay on the streets, using walkie talkies and that spy stuff -lol).  MAN, that stuff is fun! But I never really had the means or the people interested in doing it. More like the means (the walkie talkies probably sucked). And soccer. SOCCER. I love playing it. Some of my friends from my hometown too. But they are too lazy! And get tired very quickly (emotionally and fisically)! That was frustrating! If one wants to succeed, one has to put sweat and tears to it. One should not give up. One should fight for what one wants. No pain no gain.

For example. I've been recollecting a lot lately. Lets's go back to my first year of college. Actually, a little before that.

I started japanese before I entered university. I liked Jpop, and I wanted to understand the lyrics. I started studying it. Man it sucked. It seemed impossible, all those kanji. I gave up a few 2 or 3 times, but I also was constantly being reminded that I wanted to know japanese. I just listened to Hamasaki or Amuro or Utada, and liked them so much that the urge to learn japanese continued inside me. So I decided to search for the best method to study. I spent some time studying methods. And then I started. First Kanji, then grammar and vocabulary.

But that's not what matters here. I did not give up.

University was approaching. Oh no, competition. Having an unemployed father, I knew the fear of not having a job. So, I also knew I had to be the best no matter what.
Having this in mind, after studying the methods, I spent 2009's summer vacations studying "James W. Heisig"'s Remembering the kanji.
My main focus was japanese, because it's the language I was more motivated to study. But I also fought bravely for the first place in the chinese language.
I remember feeling a bit inferior at some point, and that would make me study more. I simply couldn't take it not being number 1 (at least in japanese).

With this, I've been realizing what kind of person I am. My personality traits. My traits were somehow hidden because of something, not sure what (several things) precisely, but now, I'm so different now, but this is not necessarily a new thing. I remember feeling some things I'm feeling now, the person I am, when I was a kid. Those who think who know me (like friends) might now know me that well. Even I still don't know myself 100%, far from that actually. Kind of exciting!

Hello.

(and now it's almost 11)

life updates and portuguese language

let's just put it this way.

-school finished.
-going to move.
-translation (love learning random facts from it).
-still have a few problems understanding and adapting to some cultural differences.
-I am a lot more 幅広い than I thought I were before coming to Japan. it was all here, I just didn't know it. and I'm way more complex than I thought.
-going mad with this heat.
-despite the emotional difficulties, I love japan more each day.
-locked my twitter account.
-my japanese is getting better. listening to kansai dialect everyday is making my speech a bit different lately. think its because my head is now with japanese mode on. so cool when talking to someone in portuguese through skype and need to block the japanese language from coming out of my mouth.
-have far too many things I like doing actually makes choosing one a difficult task.

now on the portuguese language.

I was translating and noticed that in portuguese we emphasize the self perhaps even more than the english language. we are also very precise with details when we speak.

for example.

"eu tornei-me numa pessoa que sabe falar japonês."
"I have become a person who speaks japanese."

in "eu tornei-me" the self is emphasized twice. "eu" meaning "I" and "-me", which I need to add to the verb to assure that it was me, and not someone/something else, that has become xxxx.

another example, it sounds weird, but oh well.

"eu tornei o meu amigo numa pessoa capaz de falar japonês."
I made my friend become able to speak japanese.

it does not have the "-me" because it was not me the one who became able to speak japanese.

well, this is it.

サウダーデ

噎び泣く
漲る心
うちのこと

http://www.proz.com/translation-articles/articles/1399/1/Aesthetics-of-Saudade