oh indeed.

Hello.
It's almost 10PM here in Japan.
I'm about to start drinking a cappucino (with a chocolate square inside to make it look like the one one of my aunts makes when I go there) in order to gain inspiration, to write in style, and because I like the warm and sweet taste.
And yes. It's almost 10PM. But oh hell, I've been noticing that caffeine does not have that much effect on me. Sometimes I drink coffee after lunch and fall asleep some minutes later.

Well, today's post is going to be deep. I'm much more mature now, when it comes to living here, and life and feelings in general.

Sometime ago on twitter, I mentioned that the notion of love and friendship were different here from the ones my head was structured to. I now realize that I ended up being part of something, without really realizing I was being a part of it. Because where I come from, human relations are, indeed, different. But yet again, equal on most aspects. I was a fool because I never stopped to think about this my whole life, up until now.
Realizing that I am, emotionally dependent on someone. Cool thing is, now I'm aware of it. I can fight it now. Not sure if I should. Not sure if I want. Not sure how's the future going to be.

Another thing. waking up, and just feeling that "today" is going to be a good day. That's awesome. I don't know why these feelings arise. I'm sure it also has to do with weather, but on a lot other things too that I'm still to find out.
There are also days in which one feels like crap. Lately I've been waking up early as usual, but find myself getting sleepy after breakfast (while reading online for about 45 minutes), ending up going back to bed just wanting to sleep. Yesterday was weird. that happened, and I stayed in bed till like 12.00 and woke up feeling weird, like today's a bad day, just having that feeling. It was a rainy day. Today was the complete opposite. Went to bed at 3, woke up at 8. I think that sleeping less somehow makes me more energetic.

Lately I've been realizing so much new things on me, that I'm so excited. I want to write it all! But I can't. This turmoil of feelings, realizing about myself, about how I feel when I'm with x person and with y person. Because I can literally "feel" something. I can now separate those with who I want to be with, and those who I don't or have no interest in to.
All my friendships up until now (in Portugal) were not necessarily based in common tastes. I mean. In university, my friends were in the same course as I was, so at least that we had in common. Making us have a lot of things related to the course (China and Japan) to discuss among us. But what tied us was the fact that we were together in the same classroom, for 3 years, everyday (excluding vacations of course). I made very good friends there, those that will be forever.

As a kid, I always struggled to be able to do the things I liked. Things that trigger very good sensations. The best example I can remember is real life games (like roleplay on the streets, using walkie talkies and that spy stuff -lol).  MAN, that stuff is fun! But I never really had the means or the people interested in doing it. More like the means (the walkie talkies probably sucked). And soccer. SOCCER. I love playing it. Some of my friends from my hometown too. But they are too lazy! And get tired very quickly (emotionally and fisically)! That was frustrating! If one wants to succeed, one has to put sweat and tears to it. One should not give up. One should fight for what one wants. No pain no gain.

For example. I've been recollecting a lot lately. Lets's go back to my first year of college. Actually, a little before that.

I started japanese before I entered university. I liked Jpop, and I wanted to understand the lyrics. I started studying it. Man it sucked. It seemed impossible, all those kanji. I gave up a few 2 or 3 times, but I also was constantly being reminded that I wanted to know japanese. I just listened to Hamasaki or Amuro or Utada, and liked them so much that the urge to learn japanese continued inside me. So I decided to search for the best method to study. I spent some time studying methods. And then I started. First Kanji, then grammar and vocabulary.

But that's not what matters here. I did not give up.

University was approaching. Oh no, competition. Having an unemployed father, I knew the fear of not having a job. So, I also knew I had to be the best no matter what.
Having this in mind, after studying the methods, I spent 2009's summer vacations studying "James W. Heisig"'s Remembering the kanji.
My main focus was japanese, because it's the language I was more motivated to study. But I also fought bravely for the first place in the chinese language.
I remember feeling a bit inferior at some point, and that would make me study more. I simply couldn't take it not being number 1 (at least in japanese).

With this, I've been realizing what kind of person I am. My personality traits. My traits were somehow hidden because of something, not sure what (several things) precisely, but now, I'm so different now, but this is not necessarily a new thing. I remember feeling some things I'm feeling now, the person I am, when I was a kid. Those who think who know me (like friends) might now know me that well. Even I still don't know myself 100%, far from that actually. Kind of exciting!

Hello.

(and now it's almost 11)