The emptiness of vacations

School is over and I'm home full time.Having no daily purpose place to go sucks. Don't get me wrong, it's hard being at school when you have no warm environment. But having to go there makes the day kind of worth, gives me I don't know, a purpose? I feel kind of...empty?

It makes my heart get used to a certain pace and then I just kind of go with the flow.

Now, as I said, school is over and I'm home full time. And I noticed that not having that invisible daily route takes my motivation out.

I so can't wait to come back to Portugal...


Also, I caught a cold and the past 2 weeks have been considerably difficult to deal with because of that. When I get sick I get really sick, and apparently my energy levels go underground. But I'm better now. No more fever. My voice is not fully recovered but almost. And my sore throat is gone.



So anyway, I went to take a walk in a much more crowded place. And seeing so many people and lights, and movement gave me an energy boost. It gave me motivation. Unfortunately there's no one I feel I can have fun around here. Not having classes and being home doing what I like is good, awesome when I'm in the mood, but when I get extremely calm, passive it all starts sucking. I need constant stimulus otherwise I just kind of turn off. I can't even read! Despite being sick I still take at least one walk a day (I need fresh air), and I couldn't read in any.

Going to take a walk to a place much more crowded than the places I usually walk gave a lot of energy. I was feeling kind of down today (and I saw TV show I like in order to try feeling better), but that only changed when I took my walk.
Why? Because I saw all that movement? Was it because I was sick and am better now? Is this my extrovert side? Why did I get motivated when I saw all those random people in the street? I don't even know anyone...

Fortunately the books I've been reading for the past weeks are full of experiments, and thanks to them I started doing experiments with myself too, to test my behavior in determined situations, to see my reactions, I've been attentive to everything lately. How my head works. I've been testing myself with my hobbies. TV, videogames, reading. When playing videogames, each feeling, each strategy, why I need to break, etc. When watching TV I've been paying attention to characters personalities, ways of working, ways of talking, human relationships, I've been predicting by facial expressions and behavior of the suspects who committed the crime, etc etc. This is probably basic to anyone, but only recently I started gaining this ability to pay attention, think and retain information about the characters....

...Goddammit what the fuck was wrong with me all these years? I feel like they were a waste for my inability to feel, recognize and have feelings. I can't help but think that compared to basically around me everyone I'm emotionally cripple and have no experience in the real world. Things I have been seing on TV during all these years are only getting clear now. It's like only now I'm starting to learn. Being able to memorize behaviours, feelings, being able to study and retain the knowledge (except for languages that I was always good at), etc. Like seriously wtf was going on with me?

Well anyway, everything is better now. And it can only get better.
Depending on how I control myself. And I'm getting better at it everyday! :D