emotions

Ideally I want to make this a big but concise post. But it's almost midnight and I'm tired so don't get your hopes too high.

After living here for some months, after feeling a lot of things without understanding what (either emotions or other people - later) I finally realized something I had been saying already for some time, and that it was true for one emotion only. I can now recognize my emotions. Before I could only recognize one, but now I think I can recognize all or at least almost. I actually will read (study) on the several existent emotions just to make sure I'm able to recognize them all.

There are still a lot of things I don't understand, but by talking to people, living here, feeling other people, eating delicious food, feeling the weather more intensively, and probably by so many other things, that I have become able to read myself.

Living here and acknowledging that indeed everyone thinks and acts differently, and trying to understand the differences in order to behave accordingly had made me research more or less on several subjects. Yet another thing that has also helped has been the fact that I've been reading things on leadership and other business skills, even though I think this doesn't have a direct influence on what's happening to me, I think it does on a more unconscious level. 

 Thing is you know..., my mind opened.

I still haven't read much on this and probably won't during the next two weeks (GOING TO CHINA TO MEET SOME FRIENDS! FUCK YEAH!Leaving after tomorrow btw) but I can ensure you that I will read more. On this and on the human body. More specifically, the human...the human what? Aura? Aura I guess.

And the way people are, directly influences how people around an individual behave. I will not be very specific on this because I don't want to. This is something only those who know this my self or those who are yet to know this my self will experience.

I've been through quite a lot. And somehow I was always able to supress my emotions because, 意外と, I have a lot of pride and don't like to admit failure. And speaking of which, I did not pass JLPT1, the part that I though it was the easiest was the one that, ironically, I didn't pass. Anyways, as I was saying, I somehow have been able to repress my emotions since, like, I remember? Or I just didn't had emotional support as I grew. Or most likely, both.

I said before that I could feel one emotion, but actually not only one (and this one I'm not allowed to say, at least directly :) ) but two, the other one I felt every now and then was confidence, specially after 筋トレ. But it didn't the effect didn't last long.

So, I'm going to China, come back to Japan for two days and then I'm leaving again to Portugal. So this will, I am sure, going to be very, well, emotional. I'm sure I'll be living a whole lot of emotions during the next month, so I'm really, really curious to see how it'll be.

so, kind of tired. お休みなさい！

I officially CAN speak japanese

I recently discovered that my DS has an SD card -_-' so I decided to take the I have in there out of it.

 me 4 years ago, a complete noob

me now, able to speak japanese, more or less fluently, my hair is much longer too.

The other day I met with a japanese who speaks portuguese and we were kind of doing some language exchange. and I gotta say, making the transition to portuguese again was somewhat difficult. Because I was translationg literally from japanese to portuguese and the whole thing just seemed, off. But after a while my portuguese got better.

Anyway, I decided I am officially a speaker of japanese! It's like, even though you don't have the opportunity to see my japanese, because I more or less stopped writing in japanese after coming here (also because I want to still have the surprise factor when I come back to Portugal) but truth of the matter is that I use japanese every day at school and when talking with whoever it is (excluding skype). I write texts, I correct texts, I read texts, I listen to my colleagues explaining texts, I discuss, I...I can use japanese and get around using and living with it.

Now the thing I'm struggling with the most is what to do in the future...yes, this is still a problem. there are times in which I'm sure I want to be here, but lately I've been making more comparisons, and since I'm more aware of my feelings I feel that I'd be more happy in Portugal. Yes, because small things count, a lot. and to me being able to eat my breakfast, to hang out with friends from high school and university (and even primary school).

And I said Portugal, because besides Portugal and Japan I know not any other countries. But I dare say that I'd like to try the US.

the finale - Desperate Housewives

Yes.
Here I am, here to talk about something completely unrelated to Japan or the Japanese language. Well, today, it is the end of the most entertaining tv series I have ever watched. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. They have influenced far too much and having that said, they too deserve a spot here in my blog.

This show talks about the life of four ambitious and well succeeded women (and a few other are also focused, depending on the season) who stuggle with several kinds of problems. Problems with neighbors, family, well, the problems of the daily lives of regular people, like us. Divorces, unwanted pregnancies, jealousy, death, disease, betrayal, work, cheating, and I could go on forever.
Instead, what I want to focus is the tremendous friendship I've seen along the 8 seasons of the show, loyalty, love. The last episode was particularly beautiful and moving. And I can't wait till some movie comes out.

Another thing I would also like to mention is the fact that I "grew" with the kids of the show. They are all around my age so it was kind of awesome to watch them grow.

And I'm not gonna lie, my favorite was always Bree, brilliantly played by actress Marcia Cross. Of course, I like them all equally, but just always had a preference for Bree.

look at them, as always, fabulous

Thank you!

work and fun. and associated procrastination. is it really that bad?

I have another theory. And realized it today. The epiphanies I've been having lately are the result of the accumulated thinking, recollecting and experiencing that I've been doing ever since I came here, the Land of the Rising Sun, Japan.

Today, while I was writing a kind of report and the results of a survey I had to make like a month ago for the 文章力 class (which subject was 留学と睡眠との関係) I found out myself procrastinating. But this procrastination was different.
I tend to emphasize a lot work and productivity, but truth of the matter is that, by giving it to much importance I start fearing it even before I start. Which undoubtedly makes me nervous and scared of the result and since I fear the result I fear doing it. And makes me end up procrastinating. In doing nothing. Yes, this is a big failure. I acknowledge it.
BUT, as I wrote before, today's procrastination was different. And it's outcome came out way better that the outcome of the other meaningless procrastinations.
Today I procrastinated alright, but this time I did it confident. I did it trusting in myself, trusting in the fact that despite being, well, procrastinating, that I would end the work. And I did. Actually, way sooner and way effectively than the works I have done so far.

But why? You ask.

Well, what I thing that has been happening with me lately is that my mind is getting more open. As a result, things I would consider before a waste of time, are actually, not that much a waste of time. things such as playing videogames, watching tv series, you know those things. that people usually do when they are bored, or simply because they enjoy doing it.

That's what I have also been doing lately. And it indeed feels better than being thinking and worrying about reports I used to believe I couldn't do. Because belief is the root of the problem here.

(It's actually half past midnight here in Japan, and I'm quite inspired, I believe it is because I drank coffee for three times today and probably because I'm more excited than ever, finally. Or is it because of something else...? I'm not really sure, and I really get confused with all this, I never know if it's caffeine, adrenaline, the heater's or someone's influence on my that get my heart rate up)

Up until now, I believed I had immense trouble with writing. I remember the essays I had to write in tests during high school. Man, I feared those the most. I could never find a proper way to talk about what they asked. Or so I believed. Again, and I think I have written about this before. I don't remember having feedback on my essays style of writing nor creativity. I also don't get that feedback here. For whatever class it is. Because we have to write texts/reports for pretty much every class. But we are only given feedback on our grammatical mistakes. Not on style. And I get it.

Anyway, as I was writing, I always thought that I was inferior to my classmates. Even though I hated admitting it. But truth of the matter is, we are really, pretty much the same.

Point is. And I'm going to be short on this, but only because I'm dying to go take a walk and let all this  adrenaline or whatever it is go away. If you believe in you, than there's no problem in procrastinating as long as you enjoy it and are sure you can meet the deadline without having to pull an all-nighter.

Yes. Procrastination. The thing we all fear, yet at the same time the thing we all wish.

(1. and as a side note. I'm getting better at identifying my feelings. some time ago, and sorry for the spoiler for those who haven't watched the show but, Desperate Housewives's Mike Delfino died. I was Devastated. I mean devastated. He was such a nice guy and his wife Susan's speech at the funeral was so beautiful that I couldn't help but get really, really emotional - just to put it in other words if you know what I mean.)

(2. just as a side note two. I just hope that you have caught the reference to Desperate Housewives in the last line - line, not sentence, line - of this text, excluding the sidenotes. And yes, I really have a fondness for this show as some of you might have already noticed it, no wonder, been watching it since 2004, and only have a few episodes until ending the last season, so I'm kind sad, but grateful at the same time for being able to watch and grow with it)

me, myself and I

So, as I said on twitter some days ago, I'm going to write about my theory, about myself, as selfish as it might sound. I still don't know how I'm going to write this, so I'll just go with the flow. I'm at a japanese friend's bedroom drinking "calpis sour" and eating peanuts and that sort of snacks. How cool is that? will start doing this in Portugal too.

Let's start.

Since I was a child and since I started watching movies that I've been idealizing a life such as the lives of those people who appear on the movies, in cities like New York or LA, working in really tall buildings, inside offices with great views and all that. Since forever. Besides movies, I also read hungrily disney's Scrooge Mcduck's and Donald Duck's comincs. I remember once, I was sitting on my dad's car reading that while going to a mall in the city of Gaia and I suddently got this sudden strengh, "oh I wanna be like him" and such. Point here is, I grew up stongly influenced by this american competitiveness, ambition, materialism, wealthiness = ideal, entrepreneurship, arrogance, time = money = no can waste time, aggressiveness, efficiency, patriotism (not to my own country though) culture, ideas. And I've been realizing that lately.

Making unconscious and conscious comparisons between Japan and Portugal and reading (USA) articles on twitter made go back to thinking and go back to those concepts I've been idealizing since forever.
I don't really know where Myself is the middle of all this, but what I feel is that I have a stronger, way stronger personality than that most of my friends know or have seen. Somehow studying japanese and japanese culture made me supress those ideas from my head, I started having new ideals, and thinking Japan is the best place, that the japanese mentality is the best in the world. As it happens, and after being here for four months (as of today) I've been realizing now only Japan's virtues and faults as I've been noticing my country's onw's. I've been feeling things I never felt before, I've become really sensitive to a lot of things and became able to read myself. Basically  I now can recognize (not always) what I'm feeling.

I sometimes feel quite empowered, those times are awesome, but here in Japan everyone around me feels it so it's kind of weird, and I have to suppress, or at least try whatever that is.

What I mean with this post is that, I think I've found myself. And ever since, that sometimes portuguese and english 口癖 come out. It only started after I started feeling this, lately. It's kind of weird and I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly and if whoever's reading this will understand what I mean here. Probably not.

BE AMBITIOUS

I saw this really good article on forbes, I'll leave it here as it is a great read

The Entrepreneurship Vacuum in Japan: Why It Matters and How to Address It

During my years of university, I listened to the "be ambitious" speech on a weekly basis. I now understand why.

Thank you.

2013

明けました！おめでとうございます。

2013, new year, hurrah! And I'llgive you the pleasure (lol, = NOT) of seing my first "meia de leite", or latte, whatever you wanna call it, from 2013. Cheers! 

I'm kind of excited to see how this year's going to be. I mean, a lot of things, important things, will be decided. Well, maybe not a lot, but still important. Now that I think of it, 2012 was a particularly difficult year.

But anyway, let's move on to concrete goals.

. pass JLPT1

. pass JBT

. continue improving 

. have more fun 

. decide and enter on a master's degree

Kind of done with concrete goals related to study. If I set those as goals I'll probably be dis encouraged by pressure to accomplish them.

I really don't know how's the future going to be after the first half of the year. 

Going back, or planning to, Portugal in the spring vacations. So hopefully I'll meet again my friends. I want to get back to having breakfast in cafes. If there's one thing I learned in Japan is to cherish friends. I realized that they are way more important to me than I though. Besides meeting them, I want to experiment being in Portugal, knowing I still can come back to Japan. I want to see which is best, and also base my decision on that. 

For the past 2 months or so, when I started realizing more things about myself and about people from obviously different cultures around me, that I've been discovering how my own self works. I'm still not there yet, there's things I still don't understand and still can't control, but I suppose that will come with time. and this, this is one of the reasons why I want to continue in Japan.

Now I'm still on winter/christmas vacations, and I'm kind of bored. more than I expected I would. If I were in Portugal I'd be out everyday going to the mall/cafe with friends.

But anyway, I hope to go back to Portugal for two weeks and then return again to Japan (deep inside, I hope coming back for good) more lively and fresh. It's so weird to say "come back to Japan". It really is.

As I said, I'm gradually improving, and realizing some things that I used to be that I was not because I wanted but just because I had a somewhat closed mind. If I give a deep though about it I could remember, but I'm not into it right now. There obviously still a lot to improve, again, I can't name what, but I know there is. But so far the results are satisfying.

So...2013... 

new year, new me.