Comparing Selves

Besides all the renewed novelty I'm living in Portugal, I've also been noticing some invisible differences.

For instance, I realized for the first time that my social interaction in Portugal actually makes me lose my sense of self. I have people to listen to, people to talk, people with whom I share to some extent ways of thinking and behaving, just people I can relate and understand. And since my behavior towards those people is already "decided" it's hard to change it. It's just automatic and I can't change it. So I apologize for my previous ignorance, I criticized the Japanese for their behavior when themselves probably are not aware of it themselves, just like me. I now criticize myself for my ignorance.

Portugal is easier in the way that I am always safe and I'm more comfortable, but a little less free as in that I need to acknowledge my loved ones needs, most of the times in front of my own. Therefore, I'm not as "free" to myself an I am in Japan. And somehow I feel that in Japan I have to be in alert mode every time (I've said the reasons more than enough times), because I feel have no possible rescue since I have no one I can actually ask for help and I'm on my own.

I also noticed that in my hometown I am a considerably quiet person. With those around me. I guess I just get in the mood of the people I hang out with and end up losing my true self. Like I said before, my behavior towards the people I know is x. In Japan I got to know my true self, due to being alone and always in the already mentioned alert mode or survival mode that made me change my behavior. The difference between the selves is huge.

In Portugal I am conditioned by those around me, thus making me not be my true self because it was the way I grew up. I feel like I'm much more aggressive and assertive in Japan than I am in Portugal. I feel more extrovert and individualistic in Japan than I feel that in Portugal. In Portugal I'm much more calm and peaceful. In Portugal I'm not a minority, at least when it comes to race, in Japan I am, and perhaps the fact that I have no one that thinks like me makes me be the way I am.

Despite loving my social interaction in Portugal, when it comes to self, I like myself more when I'm in Japan mode. It's like I could build a new self from zero in Japan. And I think I'm still in that process. In Japan I feel I'm much stronger than I'm here, but I still haven't met my university friends, and I'm curious to see my behavior with them. I think it will change considerably. I mean, we're probably going to do the same things I do in my hometown, but the topics of conversation will be broader.

This comeback is very interesting, because being back in Portugal after a long time in Japan (last year when I came back I had only been in Japan for 5 months), allows me to analyse my own culture compared to Japan, and then, when I come back to Japan I will be able to re-analyse Japan but also correct the mistakes (assumptions, inside-the-box thinking, etc) I did.

I also noticed that I get distracted and absent when I read in Portuguese, and in Portugal. In some way it's like I'm back to my former self, but a more conscious self that analyses is unconscious a lot of times of self behavior (dammit!), it's like I just go with the flow without everything, but that it still thinking.

I don't like my self from my hometown, I'm like a sheep. Don't get me wrong, I love my hometown, my friends and family, but I'm just too comfortable. And comfort does not bring development. I want myself stronger. That's why I need to be out of it (comfort zone), or in it, but having my own life. My independence. My own comfort zone.

and I found this cool graffiti somewhere

PS: I caught a cold, the second this year... ;_ ;